Trust In Relationships & Dating  (Operating from Secure Attachment)

Trust In Relationships & Dating (Operating from Secure Attachment)

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Hey. It’s Clayton Olson. And in this video, I’m gonna talk about the
power of trust in relationships and dating. Antia Boyd from Magnetize the Man Summit interviewed
me a little while ago and these are three video clips that are excerpts from that summit,
that talk about trust and dimensionalized it in a way that perhaps will have you seen
the benefit of it and the power of it when it comes to creating a relationship with a
man or anybody else in your life. Now oftentimes I think when I look at the
YouTube comments and I look at some of the comments around men and these generalizations
around not trusting men and making sure that you protect yourself, I’m not gonna argue
that there are men that are out there who are sometimes wounded who take their wounds
and their pain and they end up interacting with you in a way that is not trustworthy. What I’m saying is that if we hold on to this
distrust and we somehow see that holding on to distrust and being distrusting gives us
power, it does quite the opposite. Because the truth is that when you’re unable
to trust and you’re unable to be able to give this trust, you actually have no power to
create a relationship. Because trusting takes risk and to create
a relationship it takes risk. So, in the opposite what it actually does
when you don’t trust is it creates insecurity. It creates insecurity in you. In fact, distrusting is actually the foundation
of being insecure or avoidant attachment style. So, if you’re wanting to move more into relating
in the way of having a secure attachment if you’ve heard of Attachment theory, the foundation
is trust. Seeing the benefits of trust and learning
how to put yourself in situations where you can trust and be able to see the people that
are trustworthy versus the ones that aren’t. So, listen if this video resonates and you
want to share it with a friend please do that. Please comment. Please like. Please subscribe to the channel and if there’s
any other questions that you have, anything that you disagree with, you’ve got your own
point of view, feel free to post in the comments below. None of what I say is a gospel it’s just
a perspective and hopefully it’s one that empowers you. So, go ahead and keep watching and enjoy the
video. So, Clayton, let’s talk about. You know I mean there’s so many women, they
just don’t know what is trust? How do I know when I trust a man? Where do I even start? Yes. Yes. Great question. So, from what I’ve seen the most amount of
suffering that happens in relationships happens from not allowing yourself to be fully in. It happens from not allowing your true self
to actually come into the interactions even in the beginning stages of dating. It happens from not being able to speak your
truth in relationships with another person. And so, how I see trust just to define it
in the background of how it relates to relationship is it really is the lifeblood of what makes
relationship work. Because in order to make a relationship work
there’s a certain amount of risk that one has to put themselves in. If you are going on a date, there’s a certain
amount of risk that you’re putting, and you might risk rejection. You might risk wasting your time. You might risk having your heart broken. And so, in order to make anything grow in
life it takes some risk, and what enables you to take risk? What enables you to take risk is there’s a
certain level of trust there that you are going to be able to do this, that you deserve
this, that there is something that’s possible that can be created. So what happens when we trust? Let’s just maybe talk a little bit about that
because I really want to, in some ways, sell the you [and] the viewer that’s watching this
on why trust is so important. When you can trust in dating, in men, in life,
it allows you to show up as sexy. It allows you to show up in your full expression
of playfulness. It allows you to actually open your heart
and for people to see who you really are so they can determine whether they are compatible
and want a relationship with you. Trust is what allows you to reveal those parts
of yourself, those vulnerable parts of yourself that people actually connect with. And trust also allows you to actually receive
another person’s gifts fully as well. And so, on the other side of things if you’re
not trusting if there is this kind of guilty until proven innocent mentality that that
you have in your dating life, how people and the impact that it will have on men is that
they we’ll see you as someone that it almost takes too much work. It comes off as almost it’s this veneer of
baggage that is just it’s too hard to break through. It can also impact a man where he may feel
like it’s just too much of an uphill battle and he will experience a sense of inadequacy
when he’s with you, whether he articulates that out loud or not. So, it really gets in the way and stifles
the connection so that’s the benefit of trust, and I’m just kind of pause right there,
does that make sense? Yes. Absolutely. I really love the reflection from you about
the inadequacy that a man feels. Like I’ve never heard that before, can you
say a little more about that? Like what that actually means for a man? Yes. Yes. So, I will draw from my own personal experience
as well as the hundreds of guys that I’ve worked with. But men on some deep level are, either they
have the language around it or not, but they’re wanting to impact the woman that they’re with. They’re wanting to feel that they can either
impact her emotionally, physically, spiritually, that there’s some place in her life for him,
that there’s some way that he can, in many ways, penetrate through her defenses into
her presence, and there’s a place for him there and for him to be seen and for him to
be held. And if there’s no trust there, there’s almost
this impenetrable defense that he comes into contact with the woman. And what often happens, and this is a result
of a woman that’s not trusting, is the men that are committed to say breaking through
that defense are typically conquesters. Guys that are like really looking for the
challenge but once they get the challenge, they leave the woman after that. So, the defense of not trusting can often
attract the wrong type of guy and this is another let’s say disadvantage of not trusting
is that you end up attracting other people that are not trusting as well and it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy where you’re just confirming, perhaps more negative beliefs
you have about men given the way that you’re showing up and dating. You know that’s a good point. That conqueror or whatever we want to call
him is actually maybe not even trusting himself as well, that he is just acting because of
societal pressures or maybe he’s part of a football team or whatever, right? But it’s actually not shaking him of his
heart, or as a man, am I really interested in this woman? We see that on so many bachelorette or things
like that where it’s just like “it’s just one bachelorette and we’re all pursuing her
no matter if we like her or not.” So, it’s like coming from this eagle, “am
I really truly interested in this woman?” Yes. And he might not be being honest about it
either, even if he is just interested in in say just a casual hookup, he might not be
actually saying that because he’s not trusting that that is valid within him, so he’s not
even being honest; which perpetuates the experiences that many people watching this might have
had. Well, men just want sex and men just want
this and that. And it’s easy to find evidence for that, it
really is easy to find evidence for that if that’s what you’re looking for. But the invitation in this is to begin shifting
your perspective so that you can start to find and look for the type of men that are
actually in line with the things that you want in life because they are out there. I mean ladies I just want to pause it for
a second and just really take that in what Clayton just said. You know like that maybe, your world about
the alpha male who pursues you, but then and I hear that from my client too. They say, “Well, he pursued me but then
he just kind of didn’t communicate for a week after we started on the first few dates. Yes.

19 thoughts on “Trust In Relationships & Dating (Operating from Secure Attachment)”

  1. Hey, this is vid 1 of 3. The next one will be released in a day or two. I'm really excited to share them with you as Antia and I go deep.

  2. Hey Clay and Antia! Well what if you have never met the man after 3 years? and then you try to get back in the dating world and they are leery of you, because you spent three years talking to someone who never met you? So their fix is to meet rather quickly; . . Because they don't want to waste that kind of time

  3. Looking forward to this series, and a great part 1, Clayton! If you'd ever be interested, we would love to do a relationship coaching video with you!

  4. They make themselves depressed . They blame others for their depression. These men turn it around it the other person everything is her fault. Yet he doesn't let go. Behaves like females stalk him. Why do they call .he doesn't ever text back. Sad to say we have been seening each other since 2001. I don't stray. Look for someone else. I'm not in love. His son is now 20 I have never met

  5. LMAO, this advice is the equivalent of Toilet Paper! The reason women arent trusting men is because women always use the 3 point plan in this order. 1 – Chase the top 15% of men for Status, Money, Quality of living. These women are interested in exploring their sexuality in colleges/universities riding the cock carousel building up debt ages 16- 24! 2 – After plan 1 fails, they look for any man that will give her attention (Women will only date upwards, so you have to earn more then her) without even a clue to the mans character, intentions, usually ending up with the bad boys who are there to ruthlessly pump and dump left and right like hookers and prostitutes ages 25-33 give or take! 3- After plan 2 fails they go back to the pool of men < womens standards drop from dating upwards to ANYONE!> with a body count between her legs higher then a professional hitman, more strokes between their legs then a old diesel engine has miles, and the fun zone had to be rezoned to the Biohazzard zone from the numerous STDs they caught! Thier 30s is the years they go into full on Panic mode! They then try to run through as many bad boys as possible hoping one will stay, giving him ultimatums, money, whatever it takes to keep him!

    Sometimes its best to just walk away when women period! Usually all the good ones have already found Mr. Right and hes got status money, quality of living, so theres no point on competing. Cause all a general guy has is a 9-5 job. There is literally 1000s of ways to replace women from your life and you wont even know they are missing! If you simp your a work horse slave for her life and you will work yourself into a early grave! #1 killer to men is Stress and highest 2 stresses on the planet is women and work! You will save a small fortune, health, time if you just skip her and be alot more happier! Instead of running around like a dog in heat!

  6. Clayton, thanks! As per your usual standards, this is a great video with lots of food for thought. After it ended, what happen to mind, is a group therapy session, pointing out to a woman, who said "I don't trust (I don't remember to what/whom she was referring).

    "You don't trust yourself", the therapist responded. What I learned from this, is that I needed to focus on building the internal resources and internal connections, and listen to my intuition, not my fears, in order to trust myself to take care of myself!

  7. Thank you for your video. I have trust issues and they are ruining the best relationship I’ve ever had. I guess I’m just afraid and after 3 1/2 years I’m still having anxiety yet, my boyfriend has never done anything to hurt me. I’ve hurt him by not trusting and don’t know how to actually make it better. I suppose it just has to be a choice on my part to trust him and get over my insecurity.

  8. I have a question: my man and I love each other. He was gonna propose to me last year. But then because of my insecurities and the abuse that I’ve endured in my past from my dad and my exes etc, it has made it so I react and spiral into a bad mood and sometimes I have taken it out on him. I have depression and anxiety. Which doesn’t help. I am getting help for that though and it is helping. So yeah, that means he isn’t talking marriage right now. So anyways, after i yelled at him and started getting into that pattern, i hurt him. And he actually told me this. Because I have been codependent, it has started to drain him. I can tell. He is an introvert, and also just needs his space. I know he loves me because he stays by me and tells me that he loves me, even though things haven’t been the best. He does protect me, and does want me to grow into my best self, and always support me in being internally happy. But he no longer wants me bringing up marriage or the future right now anymore because of that. He also has a lot on his plate right now. He is a us marine and is looking at a possible medical separation. So he doesn’t even know where he is gonna he in the next 6 months to a year and a half. So I get he has his own stressors too. So it’s clear that now I’m insecure about our relationship. But it’s hard for me, when I’m in love with him, to not talk about the future. He said: “when and if we get there, we get there.”. So now I hear doubt. And I know why. He needs space being an introvert, and I have a hard time giving it. Which I know drains him. I know him wanting man cave time isn’t about him not loving me, because I know he loves me. But even knowing that I still have a hard time being alone. He wants me to be independent, and be happy being alone, so when he is with me, it’s just a blessing. He has asked me to let him come to me. To give him space and time, and he said he would come around if i was less “needy”. He didn’t say i was needy but it basically seemed like what he meant. Lately, I notice all the things that he does to pull away. At this point, I’m so ready to take myself on to take care of myself and save this relationship, and get back to where we first fell in love. Our relationship was so good for the first few months, and now we are trying to slow it down because of the issues. So i will be open to any feedback and advice you have for me, because I chose to love myself, and him and our relationship. So what can I do to make him come running back to me?

    Your videos are amazing and so on point to where I feel. So can you give me some more personal advice?

  9. I come from an abusive relationship and have CPTSD.

    I had complete trust in my current relationship.
    12 months later I lost my trust due to something I discovered about him.
    How do you regain trust after this ?

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