Living with Borderline Personality Disorder | Mental Illness | Ellie Mackin Roberts [CC]


hello I have borderline personality
disorder and here are all the ways it impacts my life I’m gonna take this in 9
stages to correspond to the 9 symptoms laid out in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fifth edition or the dsm-5 but first
what’s the problem with having a personality disorder I’ve spoken about
this on Twitter before but I’m not sure I have an issue with the label
personality disorder I also have bipolar disorder and I can feel a strong
difference in the way that they manifest and impact my life I’ve heard it
explained in a not altogether comfortable way that mood disorders like
bipolar alike whether they come and go and change depending on various things
the personality disorders are like climate the weather affects the climate
and vice versa but a storm in a very hot climate will look different to a storm
in a very cold climate I’m gonna put some links in the description box below
that lay out what the issues would be personality in personality disorders is
really briefly it’s about being told that you have a
problem with your personality like it’s malfunctioned and there’s nothing you
can do about it I think about this a lot but I don’t
have an answer or as yet an opinion so I will leave it to those who do for now
second I want to address what it is I do to help my bipolar and BPD I do a
specific kind of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy or DBT I
have a DBT coach I meet at least once a week we work through the skills in a
book called the DBT skills training handouts and worksheets book by Marshall
einem who is the inventor of DBT I’m going to put a link in the description
below to that book and to another book called the borderline personality
disorder Survival Guide as well as to an app that
just started using so I have no strong opinions about it yet called the DBT
diary card and skills coach I also take some different types of medication a
citalopram could happen per goblin and propranolol before I get into this I
have two things to say never diagnose yourself with a mental illness like BPD
if you recognize yourself in here please go and see a doctor also don’t forget
that to satisfy the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD you need to exhibit
at least five of the nine criteria so if you recognize one thing don’t just jump
on to thinking you have BPD if you’re worried go and see a doctor the second
thing is this video might be triggering there are necessarily going to be
mentions of things like self harming behavior and suicidal ideation if you’re
feeling sensitive or fragile to those things please do not watch this video
save it come back later when you’re feeling better or just skip it
altogether it’s fine to not get into a rabbit hole of obsessive watching I’ve
been there and it can be really damaging so what is borderline personality
disorder I’m gonna read out the definition from the DSM and place my own
experience within that framework it’s obviously a far from perfect way of
thinking about things but this is only the first of several videos I plan to
make about living with BPD so from the dsm-5 the essential features of the
personality disorder are impairments in personality self and interpersonal
functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits to
diagnose borderline personality disorder the following criteria must be met note
here the phrase impairments in personality and therein lies one of the
big issues people have with the label so a significant impairment in personality
functioning manifest by one impairments in self functioning a or B
a identity markedly impoverished poorly developed or unstable self-image often
associated with excessive self-criticism chronic feelings of emptiness
dissociative States under stress be self-direction
instability in goals aspirations or career plans I definitely have an
unstable sense of self and I am 100% in the a camp here I do have good self
direction particularly in setting goals and making plans and although I suffer
with their tendency to procrastinate I don’t think that’s abnormal or here
related to my BPD I think it’s very fair to say that I have an unstable
self-image marked by excessive self-criticism
this is part one of two of fitting my eating disorder into my BPD I do
dissociate I’ll talk more about that in a bit but here I think it’s about
feeling like I’m an empty shell that gets filled with various things
depending on how I’m feeling I have some strong body dysphoria both related to
the eating disorder but also because sometimes the way I imagine myself
bears no relation to what or who I actually am I think the best way to
describe this is to juxtapose the feeling of shell nurse walking into a
cinema with this light buzzy fullness walking out when I really clicked with
one of the characters in my mind I almost become that person there are
other ways this manifests to relating to becoming a kind of ideal of a person I
suspect that’s why I was so difficult to face this situation I had at work last
year because the ideal of who I was who I had manicured myself to be didn’t fit
into the narrative that the department told about me there were other things
too of course but that’s a big one I dissociate in two ways which is
relatively common and these are sometimes called D realization and
deeper ization I think of them like this
depersonalization is when I feel the world is real but I’m not real this is
the one I feel the most and I’m most likely to feel this over a longer period
of time it feels like the world is happening around me but I’m stuck in a
glass case and the body I inhabit isn’t real I guess this is like a normal part
of the empty shell feeling derealization is the opposite when I feel like I’m
real but the world isn’t real I feel like the air is really thick and soupy
and I’m not entirely sure how to interact with things and other people I
experience this far less often and when I do it’s for much shorter periods of
time back to the DSM – impairment in interpersonal functioning a or B a
empathy compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others
associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity I prone to feel
slighted or insulted perceptions of others selectively biased towards
negative attributes or vulnerabilities or be intimacy intense unstable and
conflicted close relationships marked by mistrust neediness and anxious
preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment close relationships often
viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over
involvement and withdrawal when we were house shopping I fell in love with a
flat that wasn’t right for us it was in a wonderful location but it was too
small and it would have required various
things that we weren’t willing to give up but whenever these concerns were
raised first by my spouse then his mother and various other people I
immediately felt like it wasn’t just that they were raising practical
concerns but that they were attacking me that they had become my enemy in some
ways it was that strong and it was sudden I felt completely vilified by
them at the time this is a regular thing that happens to me and it’s part of what
black and white thinking is like I’m gonna do a whole video on what black and
white thinking feels like so I won’t say too much more about it here but yes it
can feel like someone is attacking you when logically they aren’t and you know
this logically in a part of your brain that tells you but has no control in so
many ways having BPD generally but these impairments in interpersonal functioning
specifically it’s like witnessing someone else take over your body and
your mind and your relationships and stomp all over them I’ve heard people
talk about the fact that those with BPD often have a favorite person someone who
is more than a best friend or partner who can make or break your day with the
smallest of things and I think that fits into the second category here I
definitely have one and not surprisingly it’s my spouse I’ve had some very
unstable relationships in the past and I’m the kind of person who goes from
zero to a hundred overnight in relationships this has led me into some
bad situations but I don’t think it’s an issue in and of itself
I don’t harbor mistrust but I know I’m a very emotionally needy person the DSM
again they pathological personality traits in the following domains one
negatively affected categorized by a emotional liability unstable emotional
experience and frequent mood changes emotions that are easily aroused intense
and or out of proportion to events and circumstances be anxiousness intense
feelings of nervousness tenderness a tenseness or panic often in reaction to
interpersonal stresses worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant
experiences and future negative possibilities feeling fearful
apprehensive or threatened by uncertainty fears of falling apart or
losing control see separation insecurity fears of
rejection by and/or separation from significant others associated with fears
of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy d depressive ‘ti
frequent feelings of being down miserable and all hopeless difficulty
recovering from such moods pessimism about the future pervasive shame
feelings of inferior self-worth thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior I’m
currently reading of Tavia Butler’s parable of the sower which you should
read and I’ve linked below in it the main character Lauren has hyper empathy
which means she physically feels the pain of the people around her early in
the book she describes even being forced to bleed by her brother pretending to be
bleeding by the use of a red marker I have the same thing kind of obviously
it’s not a one-for-one of physical pain but I feel what I call psychic pain
emotional pain when I see others either in physical or emotional pain and it is
physical the feelings I feel have various code names for instance the
having bees is a feeling like a thousand bees buzzing incessantly in my chest
cavity stinging me around the insides like a lot of people with BPD I deal
both in the rapid-fire emotional rollercoaster that is BPD and in the
slower emotional tides of bipolar – type one characterized by manic episodes the
BPD emotional changes are very different to those I experienced when I get manic
and often include being very quick to rage not just anger proper blinding rage
and very fast switch is in mood I don’t even think of these as swings that
instant anxiousness I think probably does what it says on the tin I’m a very
anxious person I can force myself into a full-blown catatonic panic attack just
by thinking too much I definitely have the fear of abandonment
this is one of the reasons my first marriage broke down I think because I
worried so much about being left that I talked myself into leaving that’s
obviously not the whole story but at least the beginning of it this
does sometimes call issues in my now marriage the more of them me being
panicked that I’m going to be left than that forcing certain behavior is needy
or clinging there again this is one of those areas that you have the logical
part of your brain that’s screaming for you to stop but nothing gets through you
keep doing destructive things and you just can’t stop yourself doing them for
my own reasons I don’t want to talk too much about to precipitate your suicidal
ideation right now but I fit the criteria here really well the DSM – this
inhibition characterized by a impulsivity acting on the spur of the
moment in response to immediate stimuli acting on a momentary basis without a
plan or consideration of outcomes difficulty in establishing or following
plans a sense of urgency in self-harm and behavior under emotional stress be
risk-taking engagement in dangerous risky and potentially damaging
activities unnecessarily and without regard to consequences lack of concern
for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger I’m a
compulsive spender bin Jada that is as I said part two of the eating disorder
things B&J ting plus extreme self-criticism plus a tendency toward
self harming behavior equals chronic bulimic isn’t that fun not at all I have
in the past had issues with legal drug use this is one of the reasons I support
full legalization of all drugs because I’m sure I put some god-awful things in
my body that I definitely could that definitely could have killed me and
legalization brings with it regulation there are obviously other things here
but again I don’t really want to talk too much about it
DSM 3 antagonism characterized by a hostility persistent or frequent angry
feelings anger or irritability in response to those – slights and insults
I think I’ve covered this already but here it is spelled out more clearly in
the criteria I struggle with anger a lot but much more than that is a frequent
and sudden onset of irritability and it’s triggered by all sorts of things
that can change from day to day so it’s not even like I can notice when it might
come on the rest of the dsm-5 entry is see the impairments in personality
functioning and the individuals personality trait expressions are
relatively stable across time and consistent across situations D the
impairments in personality functioning and the individuals personality trait
expression are not better understood as normative for the individuals
developmental stage or socio-cultural environment II the impairments in
personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait
expression are not solely due to the direct psychological effects of
substance eg drug abuse medication or a general medical condition
eg certain head drop a severe head trauma these are all clinically relevant
to me overall the thing that comes out for me the most in living with
borderline personality disorder is that I am frequently overwhelmed by emotion
that I can’t control that manifests physically in my body and that is
accompanied by a tendency towards various self-harming behaviors sometimes
in response to emotions and sometimes as a kind of punishment for either being
not enough or being too much both of which I feel all the time it’s also like
having a body that’s an empty Kjell and two separate parts of my brain
one that controls everything and one that thinks clearly but can’t control
anything it’s pretty horrible so as I said this is the first of a couple of
videos I’m going to make about living with BPD so if you would like to see
those please click Subscribe if you have enjoyed this video please give it a
thumbs up if you have any specific questions please feel free to leave them
in the comments below and I’ll address them in a future video thanks for
watching bye

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