Is Bob Mortimer a qualified dog masseur? – Would I Lie to You?

Is Bob Mortimer a qualified dog masseur? – Would I Lie to You?

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BUZZER It’s Bob. HE SIGHS LAUGHTER Not a lot of people know this… Which is handy for this game! ..including me! But I am a qualified dog masseur. Erm, David? OK, first of all,
when it comes to dog massage, what is the qualification structure? I’ve got a BTEC. A BTEC in dog massage? And what…what was the process of
obtaining that? I went to my local
further education college. I admit this was for
a television programme. OK. Right? I did a…what would’ve been
a nine-month BTEC. And I did it in three months. What was the television programme? It was a… Well, it didn’t happen. You don’t tell them it’s not true! No, I mean the TV! Oh, the TV! I thought you were just giving up! I thought you were just going,
“Oh, no! It didn’t happen! “Oh, no, no! I just had to read the
card out! None of it happened!” The television programme
never came to fruition. How do you massage a dog? Talk us through it. Well… ..thank you for that. Firstly… ..it depends, obviously, what breed it is. Alsatian. An Alsatian. Is it tattooed or just plain? Plain. Is it what?! Tattooed. Since the advent of the devil dogs
and that, the Alsatian’s lost a lot of
its clout, hasn’t it? But some of them get tattooed now,
too. Up their street, you know? The owners do it. Oh, this should be so simple! If it’s not true, Bob, you’ve made it really tricky
for yourself. How do you massage your dog? “It depends if it’s got tattoos.”
Oh, no! I was just making… I was using that silly idea
to illustrate that the first thing you’d have to do
is assess the temperament… Every dog is different.
..of the dog. Yeah. If the dog has a gentle, kind,
er… Soul. ..soul to it, you should and must start on
the neck, at the nape of the neck, move around to the shoulders… If it’s a bit testy… “Bit testy.” ..you know,
like a little snappy poodle, something like that… Yeah. ..you
start on its haunches because… It’s weird, you might find this
with your cats, as well. That the way… That’s a separate course, surely. The first thing they say
in the cat massage BTEC, “Now, just because you may have
a dog massage BTEC, “you probably think
you know your way around a cat.” When you’re administering
your skills… Yes? ..where is the dog?
Is it on the floor? Where is it? A massage table. It’s wiped down…
With a hole for its face? Can I just say,
this is very disrespectful, the way that you’re all carrying on, to the… ..to the BTEC…to the people
who are on the BTEC courses. Have you got a dog? No, I haven’t. He’s not allowed to keep them! He’s barred! The first one I did it on
was a golden…lab? Golden retriever? Golden fish? You just separate their back paw, you encourage them onto their side, you separate their back…their… You know, their fingers?
I don’t know the terminology. The pads? Yeah. Why would you know the terminology?
I mean… I mean, you’ve… It was only a three-month
rushed BTEC. So knowing things like, you know,
the name for a dog’s foot, that’s advanced stuff. And you can… You can drain their equivalent of
a lymph system, as well. Wow. You can drain their lymph system?! How?! How? Their lymph system, like ours… Their lymph system
is under their, er, arm. I know…wrong, I know it’s not…
Is this an arm? It’s a leg! It’s why they’ve got
four legs, dogs, yeah. They’ve famously got four legs
and no arms. Never mind complicated stuff like
the arms and legs. Let’s get… Let’s go back to the basics
of the lymphatic system. So, David, which way is your team leaning here? Oh, I don’t know! SUE: It could be very true, but… The thing is, it…I really… The poor thing gets…
Do you think it’s true? Oh, no, it’s a lie.
It’s got to be a lie. Do you think it’s true?
SUE: I think it’s a lie. Well, I think we think it’s a lie.
What are you basing that on? I’m basing it on the fact that a three-month BTEC for a programme that might not happen? Yeah! And also you don’t seem to
know much about… ..dog massage. Ask me anything!
Anything. I think we have asked you questions. This is the longest conversation
about rubbing a dog I’ve ever had. Let’s go lie. OK, we’ll go lie. You’re saying it’s a lie? I don’t think you’ve thought enough
about this. Right. Bob? They are saying that it is a lie. Were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie? I was telling… ..a lie. APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

35 thoughts on “Is Bob Mortimer a qualified dog masseur? – Would I Lie to You?”

  1. For ordinary guys a sexy girl with boobs is the click-bait thumbnail they instantly click on. When it comes to WILTY? I consider Bob Mortimer in the thumbnail to be a similarly powerful "clickbait". Only it's a bait that rewards you.

  2. 0:50 – Is so classic Bob, that I instantly knew he was talking about the show itself. I think i've watched his response to David asking about the spider, too many times.

  3. Bob lives such an amazingly interesting life that all of his lies on the show are just an alternate universe Bob's truths.

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