Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable/Facing our Relationship Addictions

Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable/Facing our Relationship Addictions

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hi dear ones Lisa Romano here the life
coach and today I want to talk about learning how to get uncomfortable I’m
sorry learning how to get comfortable with
being uncomfortable so those of us who are beginning to understand that what’s
really at the crux of our and happiness or our dissatisfaction with our
relationships and perhaps even life is our codependency so co-dependents are
either very closed off and they walk through life like they have no needs at
all or they have absolutely no boundaries they have no walls and
they’re throwing up all over people with their feelings and their anger and
expecting other people to take care of them now the closed-off codependent in
my opinion is the codependent who thinks you should read their mind and who is
having the drama unfold in their head so I used to be actually I’ve played both
roles when I was codependent and I think this is very common I think those of us
who are discovering that were codependent struggle with a Maya
narcissist and a codependent and what’s the difference and I think I think in my
opinion what happens is we volley back and forth depending on the type of a
codependent we’re in a relationship with so I was when I was married I was with a
closed I was with a closed-off codependent who on the outskirts on the
app on the surface looked like he was codependent I mean I’m narcissistic and
I would believe at me personally I experienced him for 1213 years I think
is that’s just my opinion um while I was with this closed-off codependent
there were times where I was like had no boundaries and I was in my head you know
um thinking to myself like I have to get him to validate me I have to get him to
validate me so what I would do is I would clean really clean the house like
we just spend hours and hours playing the house not because I wanted to him
because I enjoyed a clean house but because I wanted this man to walk home
and pat me on the back and say good job you’re such a good wife seeking constant
validation why let’s reiterate I’m going to reiterate in every video we children
from dysfunctional homes never felt validated
that need to feel validated externally never goes away it runs our life we can
be 70 I coach and train 70 year old people and so in their 70s who have
never gained that sense of validation from the outside world it never leaves
us we do get angry or and angry and angry as we age because no matter what
we do it’s not enough for the people that we’re attracting it’s not enough
because they know a couple of things no one else could ever really give you what
you need because what you need has to come from the South the brain has to
give birth to the idea or the concept of a self the brain has to recognize I have
a self something that if therapist might not tell you is that it’s impossible to
assert yourself if you’re not connected to yourself so if mom and dad never
turned on the self for you the self needs to be turned on externally from
the outside world it’s mom and dad’s job to say you’re such a good girl Lisa I
love you how do you feel what do you need what do you think that gives me the
child the idea that I am I am I am significant I am real you see me I have
a soul so then when you’re literally two three four or five this integration
between the brain and the soul or the self for those of you who are agnostic
or atheist I I know lots of you well some of you take issue with the word
soul so for those of you who take issue with the idea of a soul consider the
self the inner being the soul the word is interchangeable in my head so when
you’re little and mother and father are saying appropriately and the teachers
and your siblings and there’s great respect in your family those of us who
come from dysfunctional homes no there is absolutely no respect in your home
and so mom and dad abused you your siblings abused you this triangulation
and everybody’s just throwing up all over each other and expecting everybody
it’s a power play you know the siblings get into pissing matches mother and
fathers get into pissing matches sometimes mom is only on the same page
with dad if she’s beating the shit out of one of the kids excuse me um and so
you know this is we know that those of us who
come from dysfunctional homes we know that’s our reality and it messes with
our head because we know other people are not aware of our internal what’s
really going on in our homes and that plays with our head so we get
black-and-white thinking that family is good my family is bad or that sister is
good I’m bad or vice very black-and-white we have to find the
middle ground so getting back to why I created this video a couple of things I
know I jump all over the place so when we are breaking up a codependency when I
realized that I was the codependent that was flopping back and forth because I
had no sense of self I had no no stability in Who I am
I had no I am I had no I am my worth came from the universe my external
experiences so I was constantly waiting to be seen so I’ll be a good wife and be
seen and I’ll be a good PTA mom and hopefully they’ll see me and I’ll be a
good mom and hopefully my kids will see me and I’ll be a good daughter and
hopefully my mom will see me and I’d be a good daughter-in-law and hopefully
they’ll see me it’s maddening so depending on the mood of whoever the
hell I was trying to get validation from you know that that determined where I
was on any given day I was a beautiful yacht on it and we all are every single
one of you watching you’re a beautiful yacht and I was a beautiful yacht on
this ocean that represents life and the opportunity to sail wherever I want to
go and I wasn’t at the helm of the ship I was not at the helm of the ship and
here I was in my unconsciousness because when we’re born we fall into a deep
sleep our unconsciousness our subconscious mind and it’s our job to
give birth to the true self consciously in the in the mind and resurrect our
self and even die to the old self so it’s up to us to die to the self be born
again in the new self and resurrect in our own mind a concept of self and lived
through that reality and become the creators we were meant to be and start
steering that ship so in my unconsciousness I did not know that I
was flopping back and forth because I don’t have a self and you know my
reality depending on your reality the whatever
junko dependents are affected by other people’s moves and so there were days
where my I think that my ex-husband and I we played ping pong
you know our badminton or whatever where there were days where I was the
closed-off codependent you know and I was pissed because he didn’t he didn’t
validate me and so I shut down and then if I really got angry at him I had
absolutely no boundaries on certain days and I would just fire off so and he did
the same thing most of the time he was closed off he was deliberately
withholding and not giving me what he knew I needed and I knew that and that
was messing with me and because I didn’t know how to speak
up because I had no I am I am Lisa this is what I need this is what I deserve
this is what’s normal in a healthy relationship communication back and
forth I see you you see me it’s about compassion it’s about building you up
not breaking you down it’s about supporting me when I’m down now taking
care of my feelings just supporting me Lisa what do you need you having a rough
day you know you had an argument with one of the kids what can I do for you
that’s nurturing that’s that’s a healthy relationship that’s a healthy spouse
trying to support me while I work through what I need to work through with
whatever I’m going through with one of the kids or whatever is going on so when
you begin breaking up with codependency you it’s difficult because you have to
learn to be uncomfortable with the new perceptions that you’re getting of self
I had to face and those of my clients right now that I’m working with
privately who are going through this right here right now I support you shine
on your ones and don’t give up because when you begin seeing yourself you begin
to see what you’ve done to your children that’s tough
that takes so that is a hero’s journey to stay on that path because lots of
parents aren’t seeing that they’re not willing to look at what they’ve done to
their children and so the cycle continues when you are facing
codependency you get to feel you start to feel very uncomfortable in my opinion
it is this that’s happening it’s this coming away from
and it feels like you’re pulling away so when you become aware of self and you
stop relying on other people for validation they don’t get pissed off if
you’re in an unhealthy relationship with with with the spouse the minute you stop
seeking their validation and you get quiet they’re gonna feel that what’s
going on you know she’s not can’t control her I get just gave her a dirty
look and she don’t care so he’s going to be ticked off now when you learn to hold
on to yourself there is definitely this this quantum detangling that must happen
that’s really really uncomfortable as a codependent recovering codependent who
has new eyes you must understand that when you said yes when you meant no and
when you said no one you met yes and when you jumped into conversations to
fix them you were trying to control the other person can you hear that dear ones
I really hope you can hear that on the outside sometimes it looks like the
withholding codependent or the narcissistic codependent is controlling
us but we’re just as controlling because we’re not telling our personal truth so
for instance if you have let’s say you have a spouse who wants you to go to
gamble with him at a casino and he gets drunk there and you really don’t want to
go when you say yes I’ll go with you and you mean know what you’re trying to
control is his reaction to you what you’re trying to control is do trying to
prevent a future chaos and so you say yes when you mean no because you’re
trying to control an outcome when you are recovering from codependency the
goal is to keep in your mind oh ways don’t attach to an outcome don’t attach
to an outcome so breaking up with codependency means that we have to spend
some spend some time getting comfortable being uncomfortable until we can come
down off that cross and so I know I get very metaphoric hang in there but I do
believe that the brain works very very well when it’s given metaphors because
pictures really are worth a thousand words so you’re going to spend some time
hanging on a metaphoric cross you’re going to be really really uncomfortable
and it really is your job once you become aware that you have control over
this beautiful divine amazing mind and that up until this point you may have
been processing information through a seven-year old filter and you might be
stuck in time as you begin filtering information through the adult mind
through the self the new self the new awareness of self then you’re going to
learn to be absolutely amazed by your power by how incredible it is to live
through the I am through I don’t want to go to the casino well why not because
every time we go you get drunk and it makes me very uncomfortable
and I would rather much sit I’d rather stay home and take a bath or I’d rather
you know go for a jog than to watch you get drunk that’s healthy that’s healthy
now to in order to do that you must in the present moment when your spouse or
someone that you’re trying to break up with in terms of codependent start to
start trying to break that codependent dynamic you must understand that’s going
to be uncomfortable with you and you you are you are you are nailing yourself to
a cross for a while but you’re going to be able to come down you’re going to
take yourself down so the next time you’re in some type of
a conversation with someone and you begin to get uncomfortable accept how
you feel feel what you feel and then decide what you want to do about it
that’s my one two three process take time in the moment when you start to
feel anxiety and you know your spouse is going to ask you to do something whether
it’s sex whether it’s you know sign a you know a bad check or you know go
through ghosts go eat in a restaurant and run out the door you know this is
the kind of stuff that dysfunctional people do so when you’re asked to do
something that you don’t want to do pay attention to the anxiety that’s shown up
that’s your guidance system that’s your inner inner self saying I
don’t want to do this and that’s your opportunity to pay attention to the
anxiety anxiety is beautiful once you learn how to navigate it once you say oh
I know why this is showing up is trying to show me something that’s the way my
soul your soul doesn’t jump out of your body knock you on the head and say yo
Lisa we got talk like don’t go there that’s not the way the soul works or the
self works the self works by sending it by but by working through the divine
chakra system so anxiety is my body’s way of saying or my soul’s way of
expressing the gut instinct through the nervous system we so misunderstand
anxiety in this country in this world so I feel anxiety I shouldn’t feel anxiety
let me go get medicine to take anti let me go take anti-anxiety medicine so I
don’t feel the anxiety but I still know mentally I’m gonna fog because at least
now I’m not aware of the anxiety nothing’s getting fixed in one now I’m
not saying those of you who are on anti-anxiety medicine should come off
I’m not saying that because there was a time where I needed meds to just to get
through a day because I was ignoring my anxiety and my body was going crazy with
asthma and migraine headaches I was falling hell apart and so the
anti-anxiety medicine helped me get through a day but it didn’t solve my
problems it didn’t saan my problems and so my
journey and my life I have committed to sharing this awareness awareness of what
awareness of the amazing supreme power we have to control our destinies when we
are willing to wake up and take accountability for how we feel for the
anxiety we feel what is it trying to teach me what is it trying to tell me
accepting how we feel feeling what we feel and deciding what to do about it
when you get to that point life it’s a great great place it’s awesome awareness
is awesome but it’s tricky because you’re used to controlling other people
by saying yes when you mean no and no one you mean yes you’re used to being
anticipating an outcome and trying to head it off at the past by being mr.
nice guy or being you know Suzy sunshine when you feel like the opposite so
learning to break up with codependency being breaking up with being a
codependent means that you must consciously understand it’s supposed to
be uncomfortable and your job is to not fix it anymore your job is to say
standing your truth this is how I feel no I don’t want to go to the casino and
Tom gets angry and you just watch Tom get angry and you learn to say things
like I can understand why you’re angry because you want me to go to the casino
I can understand why you’re pissed off you want me to go to the casino I can
understand why you’re throwing a fit right now because I’ve led you to
believe that I’m okay with going to the casino so your anger is partly you know
partly I’m to blame for some of your anger because I really haven’t been 100%
truthful I should have told you years ago I hate the casino you know but I’m
just learning about telling the truth now I’m just learning that I can tell
the truth I can open up my throat connect to my heart see what I really
want know what I really want and I can actually verbalize it I actually have
that right to do that and when I do that I step into my new role as adult and out
of my child rule I’m not seven anymore although this programming had me
thinking and filtering information through a seven-year-old filter and you
remind me of my mom and dad so that’s probably why I filter information
through my seven-year-old filter rather than my adult filter but I’m just I’m
learning to to own myself and be an adult and tell the truth and no time I
really don’t feel like going to the casino and it’s okay that you’re angry I
can understand that I’m really sorry you feel that way and I really hope that you
do create the casino I’ll see you later I’m going to go take a bath so you’re
going to be uncomfortable when you learn to have conversations like that you’re
going to be really really prickly but you gotta learn to accept that and and
just sit in it and be proud of yourself because sitting in sitting in that type
of discount discomfort represent the fact that you’re healing you’re not
taking care of this you’re not being attached to an outcome you’re not trying
to control Tom anymore you’re okay if he’s pissed off you’re okay
adults are okay with other people get pissed off healthy adults like okay
sorry you feel that way this is my truth and that upsets you I’m sorry you feel
that way you can be pissed off and I can be pissed off and we’re allowed to do
that you’re okay and I’m okay even if you’re
angry you’re okay it’s okay it’ll pass and if it doesn’t
oh well you don’t want to talk to me anymore
it’s okay the problem I am I am I am I am good I am good with without you in my
life I am good and I have the ability to go out and make new friends and I have
the ability now because I learned how to turn this self on and I know how to
speak finally I can go out and create anything I want I can be a gardener I
could be a dancer I could take dance lessons
I could go I can go back to college I can save my money I can live on my own
I can find a roommate I can really balance out my checkbook I don’t know
who uses checkbooks anymore but you know to me you get me right so anyway
Terrence I really hope that this video has inspired you to understand that it
is possible absolutely possible to kick codependency in the butt but not without
you got to understand you’ve got to get used to being uncomfortable with being
uncomfortable with being uncomfortable that’s all part of the process so you
will spend some time on the cross being uncomfortable absolutely
but within you is the ability to override that to get comfortable with it
take yourself down off that cross that metaphoric cross and begin living your
new life in your new mind namaste everybody I bow to the love and the
light in you

100 thoughts on “Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable/Facing our Relationship Addictions”

  1. haey lisa i am from india…i love the way you explain this and your perspective on anxiety. totally ressonate… i can feel a healing as i hear you…keep doing the great work

  2. 4me , every word i read about cd i gasped, "that's me", "omg that's me" and i was so glad to actually understand what was going on, and never wanted to do it again" for me, i don't remember it hurting ….it was freeing…

  3. It's amazing that after listening to these videos I've seen things and people – including myself – so differently than before. Actually now I see how lost I've been and still am. How some of my ideas of life have been so wrong and made my life worse than it could had been. And really: I was crying one day when I understood, how difficult my child have had because of my leaking boundaries! I thought that I was a good mother – but I was not so good. And me myself: I've been sad sad sad sad for decades because of the relation with my mom has been so extremely difficult. I feel that that sadness, that disappointment that I feel about her never goes away. She is the biggest disappointment in my life. No boyfriend or other people have been so disappointing than her. Now I am also disappointed in myself,and mostly as a mother. It is also makes sick to see, that MOST of my friendships are shit. Right now I just feel like to be alone and try to recover. I do not want to see any of my old friends any more. I do not want my work any more. This is terrible. My life has been bullshit for so long!!!! And I have felt so bad, so bad most of my life. No happiness, no joy. Nothing. Just emptiness. Complete emptiness. I want nothing from my past life any more. Nothing.

    And now every day I've asked myself: "Do I really want to meet that person?" Mostly my answer is "No." I've just moved to another city and country and I hardly know anyone. Now even those people I met 3 months ago – I am not interested in them at all, because I realized, that I started that old pattern with them – with my leaking boundaries. I have put stop with those people now – which is not very difficult because I've not known them a long time. The other one was – after being absent for a month and now when her nice pals have gone away to their countries (they have been here in the language course), she again messaged me. I asked myself: "Do I want to meet this person, who is using me as a reserve? I have messaged her couple of times and got no answer. One time she talked she would do something nice with me during the weekend and when the weekend came, she did not answer the phone nor my messages when I tried to reach her. Do I want to meet her now? " My answer was "No". I've got enough of those kind of actions from people. I answered to her: "I am busy (as I am, I must listen to these videos and it is more important to me than to meet her) and not available." I am proud of this answer. First I was thinking that I do not answer at all, but then I thought that I'll be have too many messages from her. Because she, the person who has taken the right not to answer my messages, started to message me when I did not answer her first messages: "Have you got my messages? Is everything all right?" So I decided to answer. The point is, that now she is alone and needs me – and then again the day will come, that when she has promised to go with me for a coffee she has suddenly something more important and without informing to me about her change of plans, she'll skip me again. This is how she acts – and I do not take it any more. I am not going to plan anything with her. And why then to meet? I just waist my time. I think this person had some narc features. Now I know to look for them and she had them. For example after meeting me 3 times she said to me: "You are so shy, so you can not do business without me!" How she knows who am I and what I can do? She does not know it. It was gaslighting or other manipulating she did just from the beginning. Yes, she became also so closed directly. If she had been a man I could call it "love bombing". All these kind of things I payed attention to. I thought that the old me would already share a flat with her, lend my money to her, starting business with her and finally to be bankrupted, skipped and taking responsibility of everything messy she leaves behind. Thanks god I understood in time the system – now!!!

    And I just wonder, that why I haven't done this before with people whom I am not interested to meet. Why??? It was not s difficult to say no. How much time I save!!!! And I have PEACE when not handling with those kind of people. Peace!

    I wonder, if I am interested to have friends at all. Anyhow, as you see, I feel like to talk to someone. Maybe this is just time to be alone for awhile. I feel that I've been alone all my life and now I need to be alone!!!!! Even in this situation I meet challenges daily!!! Even in my yoga lessons I got to see, how weak I am! there happened one thing after the lessons one day and I catch myself being too kind, too soft – AGAIN! I was so angry to myself! Will i ever, ever learn?? Will I? I want to change this. I want life. I want even one time in my life, to enjoy my life and I dream that I could have an experience of good relations before I die. It would be nice to know, what is love, loving and how it feels.

    Any way: my cats love me. That is for sure.

  4. just going through this, and funny you say you love your metaphors, just a few nights ago I dreamnt about being right on the water floating from side to side. perfect vision symbolizing what you explained 🙂

  5. This is amazing on so many levels. I was a codependent and didn't even realize it!!! I say WAS because today is the first day of the rest of my life. I could go into all the things that happened in my life to cause me to be this way, but I know that they are no longer relevant. They no longer matter. Because the moment the eyes are opened, a new future opens up. Thanks Lisa. I will be encouraging others to follow you. XOXO

  6. I am so glad you made this video promoting a positive association with the discomfort and anxiety of letting go of codependency. Other teachers tell you to prepare for excruciating psychological pain and loneliness, which is very discouraging and makes me want to run back to my toxic comfort zone.

  7. This video alone helped me out immensely!!!!! I am now just realizing I am co dependant. It's the reason why I married my husband….I said yes when I really meant no……sheesh….the light has turned on and I am now standing and staring at the last ten years of my life with new understanding….

  8. Broken up with a socio who was triangulating talking bad about us to his flying monkey sister who told their narc mom , who then told him he HAS to break up with me. stonewalled me for two months, and I have NOT spoken to him since. WHat hurts is that I didn't see any red flags of how enmeshed and codependent he was with his sick family. great videos, much love! thank you- And only now do I realize how uncomfortable I am , I was filling my energy with what he was filling me- and it was all fake! I guess I was being codependent too.. allowing his energy to make me feel happy and fulfilled.

  9. I just realized that I'm that closed-up codependent and I can't leave my husband alone. If he's not paying attention to me, I get crazy. But I seriously have no idea, how normal relationships work. I grew up in a family where my mom would constantly intrude into my private space, in fact the very idea that I had any space of my own was ridiculed. She constantly wanted to talk with me, to make me do things that would make her feel better, it was never about me. Never ever. Now I find myself wearing this fake pleasant smile most of the time when I'm around people cause I have no right to be silent or god forbid boring. But honestly I hate to talk. I wish there were some kind of movie where a normal relationships dynamic would be presented, since most of the modern and even not so modern movie or book love stories were about unhealthy relationships.

  10. Your comment!! Is so true about "when you begin to see your self you begin to see what you have done to your children" that really hit home…

  11. I love your work and am blessed to have found you on my journey to understand who I really am….. thank you Lisa A Romano!!

  12. I've started to feel uncomfortable. I told to a friend of mine, that I assume that my mom is a narc – some kind – and now I am figuring out this situation. She is always advising me (the thing I've started to disslike, really) and said that she has a friend who has recovered from a narc mom and is making studies about the subject. I could talk with her, she said. I was irritated: I simply felt, that I never can tell anything to this friend without that she starts to keep me as a very weak and helpless person. But I was not sure yet, what I want to do so I said to her, that yes, she can ask her friend if she wants to talk with me sometimes. Then, after awhile my friend gave her contact, so that I can contact this person. I sad: "Thank you. I'll take contact with her when and if I feel so.!" My friend seemed to become very nervous and answered: "But she is professional! She is making her studies for this subject… (whatever it is in english- some studies anyhow about the narc moms etc. ) I answered again: "Oh, that is very good to know. I take contact to her if I feel so."
    This situation made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I can not understand, why it was so important to my friend, that I definitely choose exactly this person to "help" me. I told my friend that I have read lots of information about the subject in the books and in the internet myself and found very helpful videos in YouTube. My friend seemed to pass all my experience and just advertised her friend. Then I decided that no, I will not contact the friend of my friend. I definitely want to choose the person with whom I want to talk, myself. I felt extremely uncomfortable about this situation, how my friend pressured me to take contact to this person when I said: "I do so if I feel so." But I was proud of myself, that I did not react directly for her pressure, but I really calmed down and sad: "Thank you, I do it if I feel so." After 2 or 3 weeks now, I know that I do not feel so. Especially because my friend was pressing me so much. I did not like it, I must say. And here I remember also the party last summer, when I was not still aware of this co-dependency-things so much. It was after I understood what was the question about: I went to the party where I did not want to go. I was tired, I was pissed off already before going there and how the party ended from my part: I acted very stupidly and hurt my daughter, who was there, too. Later I analyzed the situation and I realized, that I was not completely aware of my feelings before the party, but what i felt, I did not take them into consideration before or in the party and I just blow up there. I should have stayed home as I originally wanted. This is why now I am so proud of myself, that I did not do anything before feeling my feelings and before handling them. But maybe my friend is now angry to me because I refused to follow her instructions. She is used to that she is a good adviser and I follow whatever she says. But to tell the truth: her advices have not been so good to me always – I just have not said it to her. We are completely different persons and everything, that is good for her, has no value for me. That it is. Now I wait, and if she asks me: "Why you have not taken contact to my friend?" I will ask: "How do you know that I have not? You are not supposed to know it, if you do not ask me have I taken contact." Lets see: this is a test. I just figure out the gossip-systems of this circle. If I am wrong I can be happy. If I am right, then, hmmmm… I also just thought about the situation, that this consult is a friend of my friend and if I really think after talking to her, that I do not like her consultation! What then! I simply felt that it is better to find someone completely outsider. To save friendships.

    And I never again go to the party when I am pissed off already before going there. That happens when you do not take your feelings seriously: you blow up one moment when the pressure has cumulated. Some tiny small thing after everything else and BANG – that's it. You say bad words and hurt people.

  13. Just started watching some of your videos! Wow… they are really hitting home for me. I have a question on how we can help heal our teenagers and older children that have grown up with us as their parents 🙁

  14. Love you Lisa!  You call it exactly like it is~ So in your face, but that's what we need!!  I feel so EMPOWERED!!!!! after viewing your videos!  Thank you Sweet Sister!!!  <3 😀

  15. What holding you back or closing you off from love signals that might be meant for you?. Whether consciously or subconsciously, you may be putting up barriers to love that you’re not even aware of. Find answers on loveyouwish.com

  16. What if one in the couple is passive aggressive and the other person is narcissistic? Is the dynamic the same like between codependent and narcissistic?

  17. I'm so glad I found this video! This really helped me realize that I am myself. I felt like I was relying on my bf for the way I feel and losing pieces of myself along the way. Ever since I searched on the Internet why do I feel like this and it is a codependency issue now I can solve it and I feel at ease. Thanks!

  18. thank you thank you thank you I was aware of dynamics but not in words as you very well put it. I became of my own narcissistic tendencies and working very hard to overcome my characteristics. Your awareness and insight is so helpful for us who want change.

    Namaste

  19. Dear Lisa you make a bigger difference than you probably know. With all my heart THANK YOU for you <3 I am you deeply grateful that I am touched inside, while writing these words to you 🙂 Thank you for being you 🙂 Infinite Love and light from me to you <3

  20. I'm not sure gut feelings are an instinct of the Self that knows better or some old survival programming based on fear and resistance to change…

  21. OKAY! You freakin see me. Yes. I have always said there is a group for me. I discovered your site through these sites, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Ross Rosenberg. I AM THAT (Co-Dependent attracting Narcissists), I AM.
    Now I feel the breathless angst breaking free like a knot coming loose easily, though you worked on it for such a long time.
    I am listening to this again. I know how and have been able to reject my co-dependency (though I didn't think of it this way) and in those times have been free, happy, empowered, and able to release and let go of the narcissistic people I have attracted in the past. I want to work on this so that I can recognize the signs and nip it in the bud.
    Thank you Lisa. I have been looking for the thing that I want to do to help others. I have wanted to be a life coach but always had a niggling doubt that "who am I to coach others when I cannot seem to identify my "crazy whys". I have daughters who interact with a malignant narcissist. This is what I know. You already know this, but, I want to say it, You Are Awesome! Thanks. Jacquie

  22. Thank you so much…..been watching all your videos…has been really helpful…always had this feeling that i need the valdiation of others to feel normal and sane but its been just eating me up mentally….now i realise, it not worth it…all that matters is you and what you feel about yourself:)

  23. I AM 40 YEARS OLD AND CAME FROM A VERY DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY WITH ALL TYPES OF ABUSE BUT I AM GLAD I CAME ACROSS YOUR VIDEO YOU HAVE HELP ME IDENTIFY MYSELF AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND NOW ITS TIME FOR ME TO WORK….THANK YOU MS ROMANO

  24. Profound insight on anxiety, I'd love to hear more videos about how you experience anxiety through the chakras. It's a very illusive subject that I only seem to hear about through traditional meditation methods rather than real time feelings!

  25. Thank you for your help and glory to God that I found you and your videos, Lisa. My life is going to change thanks to what I am learning from your videos.

  26. Fantastic! The funny thing was that up until recently I was happy to forgive, or thought I was 🙂 what my parents did during during my childhood, but a deliberate series of lies and denial by my mother with my father standing by, AGAIN, triggered the last straw! I was so unhappy as a child I wanted to and considered taking my life when I was seven – my ten year old brother talked me out of it. My parents and some of the siblings I thought I could trust, when I confessed this, told me it was proof of my instability. They are not willing to take any responsibility at all. I have all but cut them off. It has been really hard, really lonely and with a terrible anger. I have to stop my own histrionics while sorting out what is real, what I'm entitled to feel as well. It has been tough but the I don't have those huge dips and troughs and can let difficulties go easier rather than hanging on. Thank you! You and Ross are doing great work!

  27. Hey thanks for these videos. I split with my husband a month ago. I just spent the last 4-5 weeks watching and obsessing on videos about narcissistic abuse relationships , and yes he is narcissistic. Tonight I started finally working on understanding me. I'm codependent light bulb moment. I actually feel happy that I know what is wrong with me and how to get started. I can only afford to see my counselor once a month so while I'm on the road to recovery I can watch your videos. I will forever be learning evolving and changing, I kinda' love that.

  28. In my own experience, co-dependence in my life began to develop due to my father being an absent one, emotionally, not physically. Validation of me being his beloved daughter was missing and dearly missed, on an unconscious level. I developed a role as the oldest daugher in a family of 11, trying to prove what a good girl I was. To no avail, for no one acknowledged me.
    I kept my inner world within, for myself. Didn't throw it on others, but showed my caring nature in relationships with men, not really connected to my womanhood strength, no proper fire and water ballet, if you know what I mean. My gut feelings were valuable only to the benefit of others, my own emotional wellness was neglected. Meeting a psychic vampire sort of person, online, I entered that spell gladly, expecting to meet the prince with my glass shoe. His sudden closing of the door, never more coming back at me, triggered all of my core issues and turned my life around. I chose to turn it into medicine, for I chose to give all of it meaning and purpose. I was a true warrior and turned every stone on that path.
    I found that I wasn't able to see myself, before this inner earthquake happened. As you said in this video "there was no me".
    Entering the awareness of who I am meant that I had to learn to accept all the hurting that I had hidden away inside. That was a rough ride, taking me a couple of years. But oh boy, oh girl, it was worth it, 100 % I will always be aware of the scars and memories of that story of my life. By healing and filling the dark gaps inside with awareness, accepting truth as a friend and restoring my sense of self. After 5 years it's still that same wagon, where I chose to jump on towards freedom.
    It's a wonderful journey.

  29. Thanks so much for this video. In the process of learning to live with my lack, and not make other people take care of me. It is uncomfortable, but it helps to talk about it, and to keep myself busy doing things that build up who I am.

  30. Thank you for your video I really need to stick with breaking with my codependant nature to be a happy person. Its good to care but not at the expense of your own needs and happiness.

  31. Reacting–more and more I'm seeing that many of my reactions to words and actions of others I'm codependent on are me assuming I know the reasons, when I don't. I constantly feel abandoned based upon what they do, say, or don't do or don't say, based on my interpretations. If I text and invite this person to an activity and she replies "I have to work. Find a friend." I read "You're not important enough for me to arrange to go with you, stop clinging and find another friend." I don't know what level of sharing is healthy–the no boundary thing–and this is a person I consider my 2nd Mom over the past 3 years since my divorce. When you were talking about validating your and others feelings but then saying "I understand you feel that way, you can be mad, if you end up never speaking to me again that's fine,etc" Kind of like, you can choose to be in my life or not to, it's fine either way. My mind feels like that type of thinking means a person is indifferent and doesn't really care about you, and trying to get myself to feel like that's not true is reallllly hard! I know it's my constant need for approval/validation. I recognize how I manipulate to try and control outcomes–I'll rearrange everything help her so I feel needed, many times without her knowing what I'm juggling, and then later I feel resentful. I'll do things all the time to "secure my place" even though she's told me she wishes I would stop trying to do those things and just be worthwhile by being myself. I don't know who I am though, like you said, as codependents you are just pieces of other people. What to work on first?

  32. This is such good stuff and you are such a skilled teacher! I've been studying law of attraction and this feels like the piece that was missing. Thank you Lisa! Oh and I love when you say you are jumping all over the place…lol really it's what makes you such a great teacher!! Good stuff!! Namaste

  33. thanks for this video. love all your videos, its helped me understand better, im going through a lot of pain through this codependency thing. but i do energy work i don't use medicine, getting to the root is key. this experience has brought the deepest shit inside me, it hurts like hell

  34. As a co dependent heals, will they realize that a number of their friendships are one sided and that they don't want to remain friends with those people?

  35. I recommend the book "attached". It's an awesome book about adult attachment using updated neurological information about how the brain influences behavior, and how external influences affect the brain.

  36. I had that problem with my last marriage 3 rd one , were seperated now ,and divorce in immenent , I didn't know what the word narcissist was OR meant other than being a word to describe a mental condition …I started seeing this woman was cold hearted / felt entitled / and threw temper tantrums when she didnt get her way , loved to argue then blamed them on me … (I started recording her behavour showed my psychologist , she said she's a Cluster "B" narc. and only option is divorce, showed her the recordings " she said are you happy now ? BFD ) …then when I opposed her for the last 16 of the 18 yrs she said it's my way or divorce …finally 6 mos ago I said Ok divorce it is .. I didnt realizing all the gas lighting , ignoring , totally cruel to me & our son , no remorse ,or conscience ..she hid this mental delirium so well for the 6 mos before we married …love "lust " bombed me ..then after marriage lost entire interest in intamacy & sex ( but I was & still am a CDL driver and was only home on weekends )….so I researched Cluster "B" PD & narcissism and it fit her to a T …I just wish I had seen the red flags sooner …. I started turning the games around on her for past 6 mos ..till she moved out 5/28 /2016 ,,,these people will never be normal …..well what we consider normal ….

    so now I start my recovery , and didn't realize how badly I was brainwashed , now that she has no supply from me or our son she move into her daughter ( another co-dependent narc that lives 100 miles away …) our son he's 18 stayed w/ me for work etc .

  37. Hi Lisa, ,
    I really appreciated the short clip about Co-Dependency. I recognised that I could be a co dependent last year after my partner attempted suicide and I was then told that she suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have always had an intense fear of rejection in my relationships, particularly those that I am strongly attached to. I also found that when the relationship started to fall off, it would be me trying the hardest to make things good again, often to my own detriment. I would often move heaven and earth to do everything possible to keep the relationship good. I would after a period of time, usually 6-12 months, start to feel unappreciated and resentful and when the intimacy in the relationship dropped right off, I would then look to have brief affairs to fulfil my needs. This has resulted in me losing 2 relationships, my home, my career in the Police, ending up Bankrupt and a fractured relationship with my son. All of this has undermined my confidence and self worth and esteem and now I feel unlovable, that no one will love me for the person that I am. I sometimes despise myself for those that I have hurt. I always felt left out growing up as a child and lonely. My parents were never demonstrable or tactile and my younger siblings would always receive the attention of my parents and I always felt left out on the side lines. I always felt I had a better relationship with my friends parents than my own. I honestly believe this has led to my behaviours as an adult and I'm desperate to change, but finding it incredibly difficult. My Borderline ex dumped me 6 weeks ago, very suddenly and dramatically. Wanting to know what was going on, I tried to win her back and she reported me to the Police for harassment. Now I'm on bail waiting to see if I will be charged. My whole life feels as if its in ruins. The day after she dumped me, I found out she took up with another guy. Not only was I devastated by the break up and then finding out about her betrayal, but I then developed PTSD as a result of the trauma I experienced from her suicide attempt and the feelings that I was losing her and needed to save her, such was her bizarre behaviour before and after she ended things. I thought she was having suicidal tendencies again. I know and recognise I need help. I need help for the 3 1/2 year abusive relationship I had with my Borderline partner, I need help with my Co Dependency and help with my PTSD symptoms. In short, I need help!!!!!!

  38. I totally get you are 11.05 onwards. thanks…going through this right now…learning to accept n enjoy discomfort. no more validation needed.

  39. The difficult thing for me in growing and getting healthy is being able to let go of unhealthy people in my life and allow them to be who they are. I want to believe my husband can change because I am, when he says he is hurting and wants nothing more than to be with me, then is cold or aloof when we are together, I keep going back to trying to get his validation. I just had an experience today with my mom of being put down and I stood up for myself, I am growing and learning and you have helped that.

  40. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've described me to a tea, I come from a very abusive family and I have no me. i'm just at the beginning of discovery, bless you in everything you do. I am co dependant.

  41. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've described me to a tea, I come from a very abusive family and I have no me. i'm just at the beginning of discovery, bless you in everything you do. I am co dependant.

  42. codependency means that the narcisist and the victim of the narcisist basically share the same unconscious attachment to feelings of unworthiness. so they attract each other.

  43. You are truly making the world a better place in your sharing! May you be so favored and blessed and protected amen

  44. Lisa, I hope u know what a life saver u really are! Snapshot of "getting comfortable with being uncomfortable" moment this morning…New relationship with sweet guy who chose to spend his day with his friends instead of me. I felt angry, sad, disrespected, and v "alone". Sounds ridiculous n after getting comfortable with the discomfort, breaking it down by realizing….He has a right to spend time with his friends and not me. it's ok (only by being cognitive of my own reaction n how I was trying to manipulate to fulfill my emotional needs, by trying to "change his mind" and when that didn't work, I immediately went to "push him away" mindset to punish him for hurting me so deeply by not choosing me. ( Ok, well, if I don't see u today, c u Weds! Punish him so he would c the error of his ways) After her left, I got REAL with myself, asking, "Why do I feel so rejected, hurt and lonely?" From there, I broke down where n why these feelings came from…And of course, realized this is on me. This is my codependent issue of not feeling validated, not feeling important enough for him to want to "pick me" over everybody else, EVERYTIME! As silly n illogical as it sounds, the hurt and pain of my heart was real n felt devasting! I watch ur videos all the time, but still feel I'll always will be stuck in this emotional hell! I'm almost 50 n want to be free of myself! How does one escape from this?!? Do I just keep checking in with myself…."get comfortable with being uncomfortable?" Is this the only way? I feel like it's too slow to mk a real difference n I will just fall back into old thinking habits because of not enough noticeable progress! Any advise? Please keep us videos coming….It's my only hope! Thank you for sharing the knowledge!

  45. So, if the need to feel validated NEVER goes away, what's the point in unlearning codependency? (rewatching ur video)

  46. idk.. i feel like its opposite for me. I had my parents praise me and validate me as a kid, and i really seek that in a partner. So when I don't get that positive reinforcement, it feels shitty being with that person.

  47. This video is amazing. I recently left a bad relationship myself. I'm in debt and emotional turmoil, all result of not asserting myself. Giving myself words of affirmation and self love is new to me. It feels….good 😌

  48. It's kinda weird for me, because it was the experience of exile in my early childhood that created my codependency, so it was a lot the violence of the surrounding culture that generated the "i'm not enough" filter. It has been such a help to watch your vídeos, thank you so much!

  49. Lisa, I am currently learning how to be comfortable being uncomfortable in this video is right on time. Talk about a roller coaster one moment I'm going through withdrawals missing the person I detached from a week or two ago and I'm crying my eyes out and then the next moment I'm feeling full of hope and strong And focused on all the good that's coming my way. Back-and-forth up-and-down in and out … i'm feeling everything and that's new for me because I'm also newly off of drugs and alcohol so talk about withdrawls and being uncomfortable … I am raw and so sensitive . I think I may have listened to every single one of your videos by now though so thank you for your enthusiasm and your love and your time to reach out and help people .

  50. I find this really confusing. I am divorced and had been in a relationship for 5 years. Only lately it was overly rigid and controlling. We fought verbally for months and yet stayed together. I finally couldn't handle it ( excessive anxiety) and told him to leave. He finally did leave a month and half later . I felt very confident in myself when we first met . It was not only my ex partner that caused me mental distress. I think I need to learn more.

  51. Hi Lisa, you're right it is so uncomfortable.. I used to constantly text people who I was attached to, just to 'keep in' with them.. They would ignore me and treat me badly, but I always let it go over my head and act as if I was ok when inside I was hurting…then I realised I was not being appreciated or being true to myself. To love myself means not allowing myself to be mistreated or disrespected by these people. I find the loneliness is the most uncomfortable though..and it never takes them long to get me back, but this time I'm in this for the long haul, as it has totally shattered my self worth and self esteem. Feel like such a loser and so LOST! A 30 year old mother of two and I feel like I' a lost child trying hopelessly to find my way. And you're so right about the whole parenting thing, where you realise your parenting mistakes but one thing I will say is, since watching your videos( which reveal the truth and can be painful or make me feel guilty, the wonderful thing is my sons teacher pouted out that my child is fox using more at school, which for me you sprung to mind, because I knew there had seen some sort of shift. I am not there yet with th parenting thing but I am very aware of my actions now and always try to do what is right rather than what I have been programmed to do by my parents. Thank you Lisa you have really helped me on my journey, it's so refreshing to have your advice and truth. God bless you x

  52. I recently broke up big time with narcissistic parents (again), and I am living through the aftermath. Even though we have had no contact, I am struggling with seeing all the many ways I have been codependent and been a ghost in my own life. How do you break up with the overthinking overanalyzing emotional squatters in your head?

  53. I'm not being abused but my friend is. I met him long before this abuse started and I've seen him become a shadow of himself. Then.. After a while he reaches out and it seems like he's more himself – talks about getting out and even left once two years ago but he went back. This last time he kept up email communication and so occasionally I sent information. In 2014 he acknowledged it is abuse and left but she hovered (over 700 phone calls, 284 text messages (he was reading them but not responding) in the first 3 days alone.. He went back again. He has exhibited c-ptsd over the last few years – sometimes really severely and it is a pattern that he comes out but then he he pulls back and isolates again. We were in constant contact the last couple of months and he was more like himself than ever. He was gone for many months and just got back from a work assignment and let her know he was leaving and I know she escalated trauma because over the last three weeks began pulling back once again. I know these are symptoms of the c-ptsd once again.. He is isolating and detached from his personality again.. And trying to talk to him about what I was seeing he pulled back further. (Why??)

    I am literally his only support. When he reaches out once again – how can I best help him?

  54. your video touched my heart.i had experienced this codependency. it was so difficult for me to break this codependency. but I hav become so stronger now.👍

  55. I am now back to feeling as I did at 16 years old,even though I am 61, free,full of hope,a hippie chick thats wants to do good deeds! and a lot of people use the word prickly to describe me.lolBut .I need to say what I mean,and not mean something else!

  56. lisa thank-you for this video. i want to stop being codependant. how do i stop being this way. i have broken off my realtionship because of this. i really want to be free of living inside my head all the time.

  57. For anyone who is interested in learning more about my 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program, please click on the link I have included. I have designed a blueprint of healing that I believe holds the keys that can unlock the doors that keep us stuck in codependent thinking.

    https://www.lisaaromano.com/productdisplay/12-week-breakthrough-coaching-program-early-bird-special

  58. Join me live on Facebook today 9 am est 11/13/16 https://www.facebook.com/lisaaromanolifecoach

  59. Love this video you explained everything so clearly – recovery is the hardest thing fighting everything you were living your life on realising how you have spent your whole life living outside of self getting in touch with yourself and sitting in the uncomfortable feelings is the hardest thing feel like like a little vunerbale lost child but the only way is up my anxiety became soo bad felt at rock bottom all due to codependency there's no way I can go back to my old ways , thank you for your videos and support 🙂

  60. Anyone who is codependent or who loves deeply and has a gentle spirit should know the traits of the sociopath, type 1 sociopath, and psychopath. We marry them, date them, work for them, and can be raised by them. They cannot feel love, remorse, guilt, or empathy and prey on those who can feel these emotions. Traits are: sexy, gorgeous, brilliant, highly educated, fun, funny, wealthy, and/or talented, which they will use to get into your heart and psyche. Then you will see their other traits: manipulative, controlling, isolating, abusive, gossipy and divisive, slanderous, using, blaming everyone but themselves when things go wrong, and secretly loving to sabotage and hurt you. The type 1 sociopath rarely does anything illegal. He or she may cheat on you, but they will rarely do anything illegal. True empowerment is knowing the traits of the conscienceless person.

    Breaking up with one can make you feel suicidal, because they got into your psyche as well as your heart and can make you have distorted thinking. Anyway- Thanks for this info. I see that you, Lisa, also have a video on How to Set Boundaries with Narcissists and Difficult People. Refreshing to see a Life Coach (and/or therapist) actually bringing Narcissism and conscienceless people to people's awareness. I will check out your other videos. Thanks again for this info.

  61. I learn so much on your videos. I am a person who dislikes conflict and when people get angry. And it's not that I even had a bad childhood! So learning to detach and focus on me from all you share? It's gold! xx

  62. told my mom today that we with my husband bought a car. Toyota. She asked-what model, what color. later- why not bmw? :DDD same shit every time. shes's killing me!

  63. I'm not breaking up with my partner but working to break up with codependency . My partner did his part this year and found his sense of identity and is telling me I should do the same.

    It's hard because I'm so use to us being unmeshed and now I feel uncomfortable as hell.

  64. Is it possible healing from codependency while still in a rela ? If your SO has dealt with their codependency and you haven't yet

  65. I am 41 and this is the first time I have found a woman to be attractive HOT for another reason besides her body. All the lights are on. I love her.

  66. I just paused the video when you started talking about what codependents do as parents. I've been observant in most of my behavior with my kids. I have one area that I spiral out of control on. My toddler prefers her father to me. When she says things about wanting to go to her fathers etc that's my trigger. I don't talk badly of her father. But it just incenses me when she's vocal about it. It seems so unjust. The abusive narc is super dad and the abused codependent is invisible again. I yelled at her. Sad but true. My kids remind me of the saying 'when the student is ready the teacher will appear'. And there they are.
    It's really uncomfortable speaking your truth sometimes.

  67. Wonderful video, I've been co-dependant free for a few years now. Since my transformation, all my old "friends" who are co-dependent (birds of a feather flock together); I have nothing to do with them anymore. As they say, they didn't change, I changed, and we had nothing in common anymore. Once I put boundaries in place they mysteriously disappeared (I say this sarcastically lol 😂). I can't tell how FREE I feel, with them all gone, now I have room for "healthy" like minded people. This video is a wonderful reminder to stay vigilant.

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