Fixing Communication Issues in Relationships (2 PROVEN METHODS)

Fixing Communication Issues in Relationships (2 PROVEN METHODS)

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Geoffrey here. And in this video I’m gonna show
you how you can fix the most common communication issues in your relationship. And if you really want to empower
yourself and really take control and start improving your relationship, then you want to subscribe to his
channel and click that bell button to be notified when I post five
new videos every single week. [inaudible] so we get it, we hear it all
the time. Communication is key. When you have great communication,
your relationship can really flourish. But if you can’t, then it will
die. We know this already, but the real question is how do
we build it? How do we nurture it? How do we create good communication
when your communication sucks? So I’m going to show you a different way
of looking at communication that really Ricks it down into something much,
much simpler than you know, we, we make it out to be. And the first thing we need to understand
is that communication is really dead simple. You know, communication
happens when you have two people. In this case it’s you and your partner
or sometimes more people in a group setting. But in this case you have two people and
each of those people have information, they have ideas, they have thoughts,
they have opinions and so on. And all they’re doing is
just exchanging those ideas. It’s dead simple and you might be
thinking like a duh. Of course it is, but that’s the exact problem though.
When we talk about communication issues, we make it so over complicated, but if we really break down
communication like this, then we realize that it’s
actually quite dead simple. And if we understand it in this way, then we can also understand
that communication only
breaks down when two things happen. And this is it. The only ways that communication
breaks down is if two things happen, number one, one or both persons is not willing
to receive someone’s ideas. So you could be sharing
ideas all day long, but if one person or both persons is not
willing to receive the other person’s ideas, communication breaks down,
the whole pipe gets blocked. The other way that communication can
break down is if one person refuses to share in some way or shares
the wrong thing or lies. And really that might sound dead
simple and it might sound like stupidly obvious, but it is. That’s
just what communication is. And so once we understand that those
are the only two ways that communication can really break down, then we can
start doing a better diagnosis here. So let’s start with what prevents
someone from receiving ideas in the first place. Why is it so hard
to receive someone’s ideas? There’s really two reasons here.
It’s only these two reasons. I’ve never seen someone not
able to receive ideas that
is not belonging in this two reasons. Number one is you
have shitty listening skills. So a lot of us think that we listened
very well. We are very good listeners. You know, we do like the eye contact
thing. We think about being present, we think about not responding
when we talk, for example. So we try all these things, but yet our partner is saying
to us like are shitty listener, you’re not listening to
me. Well, in my experience, a lot of us think that we’re
good listeners, but we’re
really shitty listeners. And so I’ve made a video on
how you can listen properly. The one technique that I teach all my
clients to really enable them to listen really, really well and rather
effortlessly doing so and so. If you want to watch that video then click
the link above my head and that video will show you the one technique I teach
all my clients to help them listen better and actually have more
productive conversations. So that’s the first reason is that
you have shitty listening skills. The second reason is that you
are a very judgmental person. So if you are a person who have this
one sense of right and wrong and you strongly identify yourself, you look
at anything in life and you say, that’s good, that’s bad, I like
that, I don’t like that, that’s me, that’s not me. Then you’re going
to struggle with communication. And the problem of judgment is that
as soon as your punter says something, especially if your partner says something, you don’t agree with all the willpower, you can have to listen suddenly just
cut short because you are no longer in listening mode, but you are in counter
attack mode. You want to disagree, you want to correct them, you
want to rebut them and everything. You’re never going to listen again. And so one of the biggest reasons why
couples cannot communicate or they can resolve conflicts is that they have, they each have this strong sense of
identity of what’s right and wrong within themselves and they clash. And so I have a video on this already
and and really in my experience, once I get people to stop
being so judgmental and
really start being more open minded in life, they realize that no only do they
have a much better relationship. They can communicate better,
they can resolve more conflicts. But also what happens is
if you’re less judgemental, you can improve yourself
better. You become more capable, you’re able to appreciate life a lot more. And you get along with just more people. So your ability to not judge is such
a crucial aspect of not only your relationship but also
just you as a human being. It’s a very important skill to have. And so if you want to learn
how to be less judgmental, then you want to click the
link above my head as well. Cause I made a video on this in detail
about how judgment can really kill your relationship but also can
make you miserable and also
can make you less capable as a person, as a human being in life.
So if you want to watch that video, then click the link above my head. And so those are really the two
reasons why you can receive something. Either you have shitty listening skills, you don’t know how to listen or you
are very judgmental as a person. And if you look at the best couples
and you look at the my best students, they’re the ones who really learn and
really nurture their listening skills. And they’re the ones who really know and
understand what it means to actually be openminded. And once
they do these two things, they can receive anything that their
partner says and they can actually appreciate it. They can actually understand
it and communication can
flow a little bit better. So with that though, what is something that you judge or by
your partner about the relationship and once you figure that thing out, just think about how is that
affecting your relationship right now? How’s it affecting the way you
communicate with your partner? And I can guarantee you that it’s
affecting it in many, many bad ways. So if you find out what that
is, leave a comment below. We’d love to hear your
thoughts on this one. So now let’s go to the
second part of this equation, which is what makes someone not want
to share or not want to share something fully. And if you’ve been
following me for awhile, then you know the magic word
here, which is emotional safety. It’s a lack of safety. The lack of
safety is why people don’t want to share. So what is the lack of safety here? Well, usually what happens is
one or both persons in the
relationship has learned over the years that there are some
things that just best left unsaid, that there are some things
that just keep to themselves. Because if they express it,
it’s not gonna end well. Is it going to end in some
argument in some fights, in some really bad consequences
that, that nobody wants to get into. And so how do you know if you
have a lack of safety here? Well, there’s two ways that people can
respond. One is like the passive way. So let’s say that you’re finding that
you are asking your partner a bunch of questions and all they give you
are just very passive answers. One word answers or to
just completely ignore you. They Stonewall you so you could say,
Hey honey, how’s your day? And they say, it’s fine, I guess, but you
know, something’s not fine,
but they say, I’m fine, I guess. Or did I even respond to
you? Or did you sign and go like, ah, forget it. Nevermind. So when
you get those kinds of responses, then you know that you have
destroyed safety in some way. The other way that it can show is
through anger, so very active for them. So let’s say you ask the question and
they get really defensive. They rebut you, they counter attack you, they get really personal on you and they
get really upset when they respond that way. Then you know that you’re
destroying safety in some way as well. And a lot of you might
think like, you know, I let my partner say what he wants to say. But if you’re receiving any of
these responses a lot, often, then you need to humble yourself and you
need to really admit to yourself that, Hey, maybe there are some things that I did
subconsciously and I didn’t realize it, but I really did destroy
the safety because I haven’t
worked with one client in my 300 plus clients that I’ve worked
with who after they created safety, their partner, while still very defensive or still
very guarded and very like passive like that. Once you establish safety, there’ll be so much more openness and so
much more willingness to share on both sides. So if you’re really having a hard
time getting your partner to share it, then you need to humble yourself and
admit that maybe safety is broken. And so once you find out that safety’s
broken, so how do you actually build it? How do you actually create it? Well, a big part of it is paying attention
to understanding how to listen well and becoming less judgmental.
So when you can listen well, when you can really listen well and
not like listening for five minutes, we’re talking about listening for even
like two hours straight or even sometimes a week straight. That kind of
listening, that level of listening. If you can do that and you can be not
judgmental the whole time so you’re not judging anything, you’re
not imposing anything, you don’t try to solve anything by
just listening and understanding, then you’ll slowly show to your partner
that, Hey, I can actually say the truth. I can actually say the harsh stuff and
my partner will actually understand. We’ll actually listen and we are actually
interested in what I have to say. And slowly you can build a trust that way. But the second thing you can do
in the second thing that is very, very important is to
understand how to stay calm. So often emotional safety is destroyed
in those really tough moments. So when your partner says something very
mean to you or something very hurtful to you, that’s the moments when you usually
lose your cool and you’ll react badly. But also understand those aren’t the
make or break moments that either create more safety or destroy safety. And so during those harshest
moments are the ones who are, you actually need to stay the most calm, to stay the most relaxed
and not respond badly. Because if you keep responding badly, then what happens is that will keep
showing to your partner that, Hey, if the truth is harsh enough,
I better keep it to myself. But that’s a dangerous slope to go
into because if you force your partner, if you make it really hard for your
partner to express the really harsh stuff, the real difficult truth, those same
difficult truth, the same harsh truth, the most painful truth are the ones that
must come out because they’re the ones that are probably killing the relationship
the most and the ones that you must resolve. But you can’t resolve
it if you never talk about it. So it’s crucial that in this very key
moments, in this very tough moment, you learn how to become Bulletproof. So emotionally Bulletproof yourself
because safety is really hard earned but easily destroyed. So you must never
be complacent when it comes to safety. And if you want to learn
how to become Bulletproof, emotionally Bulletproof in the
face of those very intense moments, then you want to click the
link above my head as well. And in that video I talk about
exactly the step by step way, the mental tricks you need to know
to really stay calm under pressure. And the third thing that people do is to
focus on effectiveness, not efficiency. So the issue with a lot of people when
they try to communicate is that they focus too much on making it fast. They think that the faster
they can make the conversation, the better the conversation is. So
if a conversation is like 10 minutes, they can resolve it. That’s a really
good conversation. But in my books, when you’re dealing with people, you always want to focus on
effectiveness over efficiency. So I could have a conversation, for
example, that I spent four hours on, but in those four hours, I
didn’t come to any resolution. But what I did do is I created safety.
I let my partner know that, Hey, whatever you can express, it
was safe. I didn’t react badly. Nothing bad happened. I just listened.
So even though there was no solution, no resolution, uh, it took four hours and it seemed
like a waste of time in my books. That conversation was very effective. But if I had a conversation
that was five minutes long, and in the five minutes we
actually came to some resolution. But I know that I didn’t really listen
to my partner and create that emotional safety. And make that my
partner felt understood, then I know I failed miserably.
So focus on effectiveness, not efficiency when it comes
to talking with your partner. And number four is really do everything
you can to reward more sharing of ideas. So every time your partner shares
ideas with you, before you respond, you want to ask yourself, is my response going to reward my partner
for it before expressing himself or herself? So is my partner going to want to
express more things in the future or less things? Does it discourage or punish
my partner for sharing things? And number five, the most important thing to understand
is that emotional safety is your number one currency. That’s the most important
thing you have in the relationship. So you must center all
their communication, all
the, the way you respond, the way you think around.
How can I create safety, the most safety in my relationship to
allow my partner to feel free to express him or herself more and more and more. And understand also that safety is
hard earned but easily destroyed. So you could do 99 things,
right, to creating safety. But when you do the one thing
wrong to destroy safety, that one big thing can really cancel
out the other 99 so you should never be complacent and always try and really
master the art of creating safety. And if you can pay attention
to all these five things, then you know that you’re doing everything
you can to allow your partner to open up and to express whatever
their thoughts are. And so once you pay
attention to these two parts, so you learn the skills to
actually listen, to really listen, to be less judgmental than you learn
all these skills to create safety and to allow your partner to share more things, then you will never have communication
problems in your relationship. It’s impossible because again, these are the only two
ways that communication can
really break down in your relationship. And also understand too that this
process of improving both sides of the communication, it takes time.
It’s not an overnight thing. Safety is not built overnight.
It’s built in months, six months, sometimes even a year, depending
on how much you damage that. So you have to be patient. When it
comes to anything in relationships, you have to be patient. And so if
you’re interested in a resource, I can teach you the step by step ways
of how to build emotional safety. Then you want to check out my free
four day training series on this topic. Exactly and this training series will
teach you the step by step way of how to start a conversation, progress a conversation and end the
conversations in a way that prioritizes safety. And we also talk about a bunch of mindset
stuff like how you can push through resistance and really the mindset
of winners and of my best students. So if you’re interested in
downloading that training series, then you can click the link in the
description box below this video and if you’re looking for a safe space where
you can talk about the issues you’re facing in your relationship and you
want to actually get expert advice and really good advice on it, then you also want to join our secret
Facebook group where it’s filled with members just like you who are just as
committed and as enthusiastic to work in the relationship as you
are and the link to that. It’s also in the description
box below this video. Now you find this video valuable
and you learn something from it. Then go ahead and give it a like and
subscribe to this channel for more content like this one and tell
us in the comments below, what did you think was most eyeopening
for you? What did you find most valuable? We’d love to hear your thoughts and
thank you so much for watching this video guys. It’s really nice to see all of you
here and supporting this channel and I really, really appreciate all of you
being here. Uh, in the meantime though, I’ll see you in the next video.

9 thoughts on “Fixing Communication Issues in Relationships (2 PROVEN METHODS)”

  1. Hey guys! Thanks for watching! If you want to get access to the 5-part training series and learn to communicate more effectively, then leave a comment below with #CommunicateBetter!

  2. Great video! I like how it clearly shows the importance of receiving and sharing in a relationship. Just subbed – I think you are about to hit 100! Woot!

  3. Some interesting points here. And although I agree that in principle, it's simple, there are things like culture, values, belief systems and so much more that can make it quite hard for people to "hear" and understand…

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