Fighting Fair: How to Fight Fair & Deal With Anger in Relationships if “All We Do Is Fight”

Fighting Fair: How to Fight Fair & Deal With Anger in Relationships if “All We Do Is Fight”

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If you’re fighting with your spouse or if there’s a constant tension between the two of you in your relationship or marriage, or if innocent conversations just
suddenly, ERUPT into volcanic like explosions…
Then you’re in the right place. Because in this video I’m going to teach
you the three most common mistakes couples make when fighting and how to steer clear of them. Hi, I’m Bruce Muzik from LoveAtFirstFight.com and I help
couples fix their troubled relationships and
marriages. In my work with fighting couples I’ve noticed that almost always when a
couple is fighting they make one if not all three of these simple mistakes that end up escalating an argument into
a heated fight that ends with door slamming, icy
silences and one of you sleeping on the couch. So what are these 3 mistakes? Well, the first is: Communicating when you’re triggered. Have you ever been in the heat of the moment and you’ve said something you knew you’d later regret, but you couldn’t stop the words coming out of your mouth. Even though you knew you shouldn’t be saying them… And almost in slow motion they came out and caused a huge amount of hurt
in your relationship? Yeah. Me too. Not something I’m proud of. That happens because when you’re triggered you
literally become stupid. Like a chimpanzee. You see, we all have a part of our brain that’s like a chimpanzee’s brain. Get the reference now? (Chimpanzee sound) This part of our brain is called our Reptilian Brain It evolved to help us survive. And when we are triggered by our partner it gets activated and it does one of
two things: It either get’s ready to fight, or it gets
ready to run like hell in the opposite direction. If it gets ready to fight it drains all
the blood from our brain into our arms so that we can fight . If it’s getting ready to flee or to run like hell in the opposite direction it drains all the blood from our brain
down into our legs, so that we have oxygen in our legs so we can run faster. In any event there’s no blood left in our brain which
renders us literally stupid, because our brain isn’t getting
enough oxygen. Which is why we say dumb things when we’re triggered. So don’t do it… Don’t communicate when you’re triggered. When you feel that flash of anger in your face, when you feel yourself getting triggered (you know what that’s like)… Pause. Tell your partner “Baby, timeout. I’m triggered. I’m going to go for a walk for half an hour and come back and finish this with you”. Or sit down and journal your thoughts
out for half an hour… and then come back to your partner when your heart rate is lowered, when you’re feeling normal again and you
can have a normal conversation without getting triggered. If one of you
is triggered in the conversation you may be able to avoid conflict if the other one has their wits about them. If both of you are triggered in the
conversation which can happen so fast, you’ve got World War III in your hands.
Mistake number two is a common one. It’s trying to resolve the
surface problem. Imagine this: Your spouse is yelling at
you. You’ve forgotten to take the trash out for
the fifth time. And you know this conversation is not
going to go well. What do you do? Do you: (A) Take the
trash out (B) Apologize and make it up to them (C) Tell them to stop nagging and that you’ll do it later. Or… (D) Start explaining why you were too busy to take the trash out. What would you do? If you chose any of these you’d be sleeping in the
opposite sides of the bed that evening… Why? Because this was a bit of a trick question. You see… Your spouse isn’t angry about you not
take the trash out five times in a row. They’re angry about something far more
important than that. If you probe deeper you’ll discover that beneath their
surface complaints of you not taking the trash out. Your spouse is actually angry about what not taking the trash out
means… About the state of the emotional connection between the two of you. Perhaps they’re thinking something like: If you can’t be trusted to do something as simple as “Take the trash out” how on earth are they ever going to trust you to do the big things – like raise the children, or look after the
finances, or stay faithful for that matter?… See what I mean here? And if you try to resolve the surface complaint about not taking the trash out you won’t get anywhere. Instead, ask your
partner about their softer feelings. Beneath the surface of the complaint and
sooth those, comfort them, reassure them, sooth those feelings and THAT’S what’s going to resolve your
problem. If you’re participating in my Love At First Fight coaching program then
in the second module of the program we’ll spend an entire week learning how to sooth those deeper
emotions for your partner, so that you can really
de-escalate conflict really, really quickly. Okay. The third mistake that couples make when fighting is what I call perceiving the Phantom attack… Have you ever seen a toddler in a supermarket that’s lost his parents? It balls its eyes out and cries as loud as it can to get its parent’s attention. Or what tends to happen is a toddler or
little baby will shut down and go internal because it’s so afraid and just
sit and wait hoping that his parents will find him
again. Both of these reactions are actually survival strategies that are protesting
the parents moving out a safe proximity of the child. Now what most people don’t know is that as adults we do the same things with our romantic partners. When we
perceive that our partner has moved out of safe, physical or emotional proximity, we
protest them moving out of proximity by making a noise (like the baby screaming) or going really quiet. Yeah, really advanced (de-escalation techniques) I know… But because we don’t understand this,
when our partner gets angry and is making a noise, we
incorrectly think that they’re trying to attack us and we end up defending
ourselves or when a partner gets quiet we incorectly
think they’re trying to punish us. Then we go in and try and attack
them or pull them out of their shell. But they’re not. They’re just protesting
the disconnections, the distance emotionally between the two of you. And they’re doing it by making a noise or going quiet. And if you respond with a
counter attack you’re just going to escalate the conversation into World War III and then you’re both going to hurt each other.
So remember, when your partner gets upset, defending
yourself like your life is at stake is inappropriate. It’s just gonna
escalate the conflict. Instead do this: SOOTHE them like you would sooth a baby crying. Not in a condescending pat on the head,
“here… here… now… now…” kind of way. But sooth them by saying something like,
“Honey, I notice you’re really upset. I imagine you are hurting. Tell me what’s
going on for you. I’m interested.” or “Tell me what is going on for you, how can I support you?” So there you have them: The three biggest mistakes that couples
make when fighting and what to do about it. Go try the strategies I suggested and
let me know in the comments below how they worked out for you. Also if you
enjoyed this video give it a thumbs up or click the Like button down below it helps me spread this education to more people who need it. And finally if your
relationship’s in trouble and there’s constant tension between you, or you’re ‘walking on eggshells’, or one of you is withdrawing and the
other one is chasing and becoming more needy… Go subscribe to this channel now and then
go to www.LoveAtFirsFfight.com You can click on the link here it’ll take you right there. And sign up for my free Fix Your
Relationship video training program and I’ll teach you a communication skill
completely free of charge that will help you de-escalate your
conflict in your relationship in a matter of seconds. Thank you for
watching and thank you for your time. I’m Bruce Muzik. I’m here to support you
fixing your troubled relationship. Reach out if you need me. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye, bye.

47 thoughts on “Fighting Fair: How to Fight Fair & Deal With Anger in Relationships if “All We Do Is Fight””

  1. I wish I knew this when I was constantly having fights with my husband. This is GREAT information. Taking a "time out' is a great idea.  But I'm trying much harder to hear what he has to say and trying not to have fights now. I have to change if I want my marriage to work. I need to remember this when a fight may arise and keep reviewing it. Thank you Bruce. 

  2. I have a quick question. What you said in this video is exactly what happens with me and my fiance. You said that you need to acknowledge that your partner is upset and ask how you can support or help them. My question is what if your partner refuses to comply with this? For example, my fiance and I will argue, then he gets really quiet just like you said, and when I ask him how I can support him, he tells me nevermind and to forget about it. I hate prodding him further after this because I feel like I am nagging. Do you have a suggestion for how I can get him to open up to me about what he is feeling?

  3. Thank you seriously I'm having trouble right now in my relationship but I'm going to try out what you said and suggested! Thanks again!!

  4. Get a f*k out of the house!!! You are ******, *****, *****, *****, *****, *****!!!! Honey, how can I support you? Pathetic… At least in some cases…

  5. please turn down the background music. It really distracts from the message. I enjoy what you have to say but have a hard time hearing it because of the music.

  6. My partner is constantly upset over the pettiest things, losing his keys, glasses, wallet somewhere in the house to which end he will slam things around the house, wake the children and I out of a sound sleep. He expects everyone else to be responsible for his things and help him look regardless of we may be engrossed in at that moment. I find it incredibly inconsiderate. Also he constantly criticizes everything I do. No one in the house is aloud the freedom of making a mistake or they will be brow beaten and shamed. I don't feel like soothing him, I feel like punching him out. Please advise.

  7. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a year and 5months we've grown so close to each other and I was going 2 propose 2 her on her Bday which is in a few days but this past Saturday I said some things 2 her I shouldn't have said I got so mad I got my things and left. I txt her later that night apologizing 2 her she said "she wanna to be left alone" so I gave her space and then tried txt/calling her 2 days after come 2 find out she blocked me. Idk what to do or what to think I thought we had something serious we talked about marriage, but we have no communication right to try and make things better. What should I do?

  8. I'm researching improving your partnership and discovered an awesome website at Mirykal marriage plan (google it if you are interested)

  9. I agree. It totaly makes sense. When I start to argue, it doesn't mean I really want to fight or hurt my partner. The only thing that I really want him to do at that moment is to hug me, show me some understanding and express his love. I absolutely found myself in the words ''protesting the dissconnection''. I obviously do It all the time. Now I understand myself a bit more.

  10. I need your help but we cant be helped without knowing certain variables involved….what do we do? My husband works way too much things are way too expensive he cant take days off to go to counceling!!!!

  11. HE PUTS ME TO MY BOILING POINT WHEN HES TELLING ME WHAT HE THINKS I WAS THINKING WHEN I CERTAINLY WAS NOT AND I GET EVEN MADDER WHEN HE KEEPS SAYING I WAS THINKING THAT AND IM PLEADING WITH HIM TELLING HIM I WASNT AND THAT IM NOT LYING LIKE ISNT THAT IMMATURE??? WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO WITH ME DRIVE ME INSANE?? WTF MAN IS HE INSANE?? THATS WHAT OUR FIGHT WAS ABOUT TONIGHT!! THEN IT ESCALATES AND HE GETS OVERLY ANGRY LIKE A CAVEMAN AND GOES IN THE OTHER ROOM CUSSING ME OUT LIKE TALKKING TO HIMSELF LIKE HES GETTING THE LAST WORD IN OR SOMETHING AND I SAY "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM ?" AND HE SAYS "YOU" I HAVE HAD IT WITH HIM. WHENEVER A SITUATION ARISES THAT ISSTRESSFUL IN ANY WAY OR ANY TYPE OF BAD THING LIKE ONE OF OUR KIDS HAS TO GO TO THE ER (THATS WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT OUR DAUGHTER HAD A TONSILECTOMY AND SHE STARTED BLEEDING 6 DAYS LATER) EVERY STRESSFUL SCARY SITUATION HE FLIPS OUT WITH ANGER WITH YELLING AND BLAMING ME AS IF ITS SOMEHOW MY FAULT JUST TOTALLY FLIPS OUT. I CANT BE WITH SOMEONE THAT IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO MAKE A BAD SITUATION WORSE ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF HIS OWN CHILDREN!!! WITH SWEARING AND INSULTING ME AND LITERALLY SCREAMING AND ACTING LIKE A BARBARIAN!! I JUST CANT TAKE HIS SHIT ANYMORE. ITS BEEN 11 YEARS. I AM 34 HE IS 38. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
    VARIABLES:
    WE ARE BOTH RECOVERING ADDICTS BUT SOBER WITH YEARS UNDER OUR BELTS…ME 4 HIM ALMOST 2
    WE BOTH HAVE SCUMBAG FAMILIES I GREW UP WITH A NARCISSIST MOTHER AND SISTER HIM NEVER HAD A FATHER REALLY AND THE ONLY ONE HE LOOKED UP TO (HIS OLDER BROTHER) AND LOVED SO MUCH JUMPED IN FRONT OF A MAC TRUCK AND KILLED HIMSELF AND HE IDENTIFIED HIM
    WE BOTH GREW UP WITH VIOLENCE AND DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
    HE SUFFERED ABUSE AND HEARTACHE
    HE SUFFERS CONSTANT NIGHTMARES
    WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN 1 YEAR OLD BOY AND 10 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT WE BOTH LOVE DEARLY AND WE ARE VERY LOVING AND GOOD PARENTS EXCEPT WHEN WE FIGHT
    WE HAVE STRUGGLED TO MAKE ENDS MEET WE ARE NOT COLLEGE EDUCATED BUT I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM HE WORKD CONSTRUCTION
    WE HAVENT BEEN INTIMATE IN A LONG TIME
    I GAINED WEIGHT FROM MY PREGNANCY AND I FEEL FAT AND DONT EVEN WANT TO BE UNDRESSED AROUND HIM (ITS A SIGNIFIGANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT IVE ALWAYS ALWAYS BEEN THIN MY WHOLE LIFE NOW I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COW)
    UMMMMMMM THATS ENOUGH..LOL.
    BTW MY KEYBOARD WONT COME OUT OF CAPS SORRY
    DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR OUR BICKERING? I WOULD SAY ITS ALMOST ONCE A WEEK BUT NOT ALL THE TIME SOMETIMES 3 TIMES A MONTH SOMETIMES EVEN LESS

  12. I need help in my relationship. We can’t afford to take your course. Do you have a book that we can look at? We are at the power struggle phase of our relationship and it seems like a lot of the time our conversations turn into fights over little things. We need help learning how to communicate. And stop fighting. We don’t fight all the time but enough to where it’s draining. Can you please help us?

  13. I wish me and my partner could be so intelligent while we are fighting :/ would be lovely to soothe or to be soothed…

  14. I know a man who tells his wife that she belongs in the kitchen, that being barefoot and pregnant is desirable for men (so don't walk outside barefoot, especially when there are men out), that everything that she has (car, bed, clothing, etc.) belongs to him/he bought it and that she would have nothing if it weren't for him.
    What stage would that be, and how does one fix something like that?

    (BTW, you've got some great advice! It's on point!)

  15. 1. Communication when triggered ( say Time out I am triggered) go for walk, journal your thoughts 2. Trying to resolve the surface problem 3. The phantom Attack

  16. You’re a very deep person. My kind of person. Thanks! And continue the great work. I deeply appreciate it.🙏🏿👍🏿👏🏿

  17. I've used the last technique in the past with my current and past relationships. It never seems to be a win-win situation. It's more about giving the women a reason to keep playing mind games with you, and get away with things. That means, that this technique is mostly unrealistic. You have the tools, but if your couple doesn't have them, you'll be in the backcksit for the duration of the relationship.

  18. I got help about my marriage conflicts with those guys: http://www.surgicalcoaching.net It changed my life

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