Domestic violence | NHS

Domestic violence | NHS

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I met my ex-husband in 1997. We got married within ten months.
He was absolutely charming and lovely. I met this man through a friend and he was very charming,
everyone seemed to know him, like him, he was very sociable with everyone. I had no reason
to suspect him of anything. The statistics for domestic violence
are very worrying indeed. It affects one in four women. 30 per cent of cases start,
in fact, in pregnancy. 6 per cent of cases are, in fact, men. And, shockingly, two women die
every week in the UK as a result of domestic violence. After a couple of months I got pregnant
and it was from that point… It was unexpected, I have to say, and
it was after that point things changed. His behaviour changed. The controlling
behaviour came into place then. On the honeymoon it changed. He became very abusive. Looking back now I realise
that there were problems back then that just escalated
when I had my children. When I tried to get out
of the relationship he held a knife to my stomach
on one occasion and another occasion
he smashed my head into the wall, made out it was an accident. My self-esteem was at rock bottom. He was very derogatory
about me as a person, about my looks, my clothes, everything. He was just very unpleasant
most of the time. I always ended up saying sorry even though I hadn’t done anything,
just to keep the peace. Women are affected most, particularly women
in the 16-to-24-year age range. Domestic violence is no respecter
of wealth or culture. It can again occur across
the whole socio-economic spectrum. He isolated me from people
that would say, “Hang on a minute, Zoe.
What are you doing that for?” Because he knew, looking back now,
that anybody close to me would say, “You shouldn’t let him
treat you like that.” I was about four months pregnant when
I suspected that he was drugging me. I would wake up with hazy flashes,
bits of memories, and I just didn’t feel well at all. That’s when I really did think,
“I’m losing my mind here.” I was questioning my own sanity. Part of me knew something was very wrong but I was being told by him I was mad, my family weren’t believing me, so I really did question myself. I called a drugs helpline and explained to them that I was
terrified that I was being drugged. They advised me to go A&E so I went to the hospital, I got
the test and it came back positive. It was a cocktail of amphetamines,
cocaine and ecstasy. Obviously I was pregnant as well,
so you can imagine the fears. The doctors couldn’t tell me whether
the baby would have been OK or not. Given the situation, along with that,
I decided to have a termination. We now know that children are
seriously affected by domestic violence. It can affect their emotional
development, their social development, it can make them very frightened and have a long-lasting impact
for the whole of their lives. One of my worries was for the children and obviously I couldn’t leave him because I didn’t want to render
my children and I homeless. He had told me… I have two children. He would have them
picked up from school by somebody else. I would never see them again. So I was going through
all kinds of threats. At the end my son
became very abusive to me because he’d seen his father
treat me that way. It’s very important that women feel safe to share the information that
they’re experiencing domestic violence, so it’s important
that if it’s happening to you, you do seek help
and talk to someone that you trust. It was actually a colleague
who put me in touch with a local domestic violence unit because I had a breakdown in her office
and she felt I needed help and support. Luckily I had heard of
the Worth Project, so I made contact with them and it was just such a relief
for someone to listen to me, believe me, not judge me at all,
in any way, shape or form, and to be there
with total support for me. It was an absolute relief.
It was a lifeline. Women can go to the police
for help with domestic violence, but they can also go
to other people that they trust. They can approach health service staff. They could talk to someone
in the A&E department. They could talk to a GP, a midwife. Everyone these days is much more aware
of what needs to be done and can advise on where to go for help. As a woman on your own,
going to the police, going to court, it can be very traumatic, but with the Worth Project
I wasn’t alone, I was able to do it. There is a lot more support available
these days. Independent domestic violence advisors
are based locally and you can be put in contact with these
by the NHS or by the police. Within two or three weeks
after seeing a solicitor, that was it. I’d shut the door and
I had to call the police, but he’d gone. When I was told that
he’d been given life, I was so relieved. I was exhilarated, I felt as if I was
set free from a complete nightmare. I realise now that just because
he wasn’t physically violent, the emotional and mental abuse that
I was suffering was equally damaging and I knew for myself and my children
I had to get us out of it. Go and seek help immediately,
not to leave it, because things can escalate,
they can get far worse. There is help out there. You will
be believed, you will be supported. I would just say to anybody
that there is help out there. There are people that can support you
and help you make that move and you really have to do it
for yourself as much as anybody else.

99 thoughts on “Domestic violence | NHS”

  1. Once the kids see an abusive parent behave in this way they normally pick up their traits and it can be very hard for them to change the cycle from generation to generation. I hate men like this, and I feel so sorry for these women. I hope they managed to build their lives back up and never let men like this into their life again.

  2. Do your research. 6% of men are the REPORTED statistics, not the ACTUAL. Why is it that women are so unwilling to acknowledge the violent streak they harbour within? Projected ACTUAL cases of MALE spousal abuse by women surpasses that of violence against women by men. Why is it that no one wishes to look at THIS little tidbit?

  3. Join this facebook group 'Domestic violence is not funny!' because I am sickened by the motivational style posters that show an abused woman because they make a man a sandwich. It's wrong!!! It is also for abusive jokes about men too!

  4. Nice to see you include men & boys in that… most D/V speakers remain silent on the male sex as if to imply "it's ok when men suffer". The NHS in this video misrepresent, claiming it's 6% – when in reality it's at least 33%. They mention that 2women die p/w, but ignore that 3 men a fortnight die (i.e. only 4 women/3men – hardly a huge difference to justify ignoring male victims).
    Kudos to you glitterbuh

  5. I think this video is exceptional in that it tells two stories that demonstrate emotional manipulation as DV and physical violence as DV, especially since it is harder to identify emotional manipulation as being DV.

  6. @glitterbuh10
    Yes, I agree. Hitting, regardless of the age or gender of someone is never acceptable. The common notion that women should be able to hit men is terrible logic. A HUMAN BEING should not be hurting another HUMAN BEING. People have to stop placing emphasis on gender, and start placing an emphasis on the fact that violence is not the answer.

  7. I got shivers down my spine when one of the women said: "I always ended up saying sorry, even tough I hadn't done anything, just to keep the peace". That's how it works with emotional manipulation. There comes a point in which the victims lower themselves to the ground in order to avoid conflict. It's sintomatic of emotional violence.

  8. @mdtrtwlt I agree with you. Some people don't even think of emotional violence as violence at all. I got shivers down my spine when one of the women said: "I always ended up saying sorry, even tough I hadn't done anything, just to keep the peace". That's how it works with emotional manipulation. There comes a point in which the victims lower themselves to the ground in order to avoid conflict. It's sintomatic of emotional violence.

  9. @bagpyprrr540 I'm not disagreeing with you but statics or the issue of men who are victums is something rarely discussed in the US when it is it's not ever stated as casually.

  10. 6%? it is more like 40%. Everyone talks about the hidden shame of the abuse of women. The truth is the real shame is the abuse of men. Women have to face why didn't you just leave. Men are just not believed. A big man like you? How can you be a victim of abuse. What a real shame. Women' positions are better, men' are worse. Posters in hospitals about abuse only speak about women as victims. Women who steal their children from their husbands who have custody are forgiven, men vilified.

  11. @Odinfriends a sad fact is spousal abuse goes both ways. just like women up til the 90s, men are just too ashamed to come forward a lot of the time. just like with women being beaten, men need to realise its nothing to be ashamed of and stand up and report these women.

  12. @zewalla Agreed. It's so digusting that women go from one abusive man to another while they rejecting docile men.

    Ladies: Give nice guys a chance!

  13. For me, being a victim of emotional abuse, I was very fortunate that I had very close friends around me who were there willing to help me. Even though my husband eventually left our home for another woman, the emotional abuse affected my own image of myself and the way in which I viewed myself as a productive member of sociiety. I was fortunate in that I was able to have access to a counselor who helped me to believe in myself and recognize all the good that I had to offer.

  14. @kwcskl @Odinfriends The HER CENTRE is a charitable organisation working for life betterment of local women affected by domestic violence who reside in the London Borough of Greenwich. For more info contact us at Forum at Greenwich, Trafalgar Road, Greenwich, SE10 9EQ, Tel 0208 858 0748

  15. @zewalla that is not always the problem..if you listen to these women talking ,there spouse never got violent until after they got married or had children, so its not because they were attracted to a violent man..these women thought they were marrying a good man

  16. @bluemountain555 most abuser dont get violent until after they marry or have children..most women dont see a violent side until they are married. Once married the man can be himself…an abuser

  17. Zoe looks like she just cried.

    I reunited with a male former classmate on facebook alone & he eventually exhibited this controlling attitude, he changed over 24 years. I didn't have to met him in person to figure that out & deleted him before he deleted me. That's called up holding your power. If anybody see these signs run & find a better person. Don't allow anybody to play with your emotions.

  18. @bagpyprrr540 Please educate yourself as to the reasons each gender abuses, they're often vastly different. Also relevant is the scoring system bias of physical assault (which is the tip of the iceberg when considering domestic violence). Attend some programmes.

  19. Let us all be more aware and sensitive. Give back the much needed crucial power and control to the survivors of D.V. with our knowledge and support. free from judgment and condemnation We all need to reach out to help with love.After all never… say never. it could happen to you.

  20. @bermudatriangle83 i relate. Nobody wants to get involved, and it is easiest to just blame the victim and brush them off.

  21. Excellent video on this subject. I was a victim of domestic violence…had to write about it for my sociology class. I say if I could go back …I would go back all the way.
    I was at a breaking point but I am glad I found a domestic violence website and that was help to my consciousness …to just get out someway. It could have gotten so bad.. I cut contact with him for only a few months now…I still am healing. I still feel negative feelings at times..

  22. @TSM8088
    I think seeing this video as a battle between the sexs is really no help for the cause what so ever. Yes there are Male victims as well as female victims, these men should feel like they can be supported too. It would be fantastic if enough awareness was established to help victims both male and female and to stop abusers whether they be male or female from doing these behaviours with another partner.

    This should be against abusers (male and female) not a gender battle

  23. domestic abuse/violence is not caused by anger, so saying women have equal aggression to men its about the dominator being in control. No one has the right to abuse you!

  24. @glitterbuh10 You're right! It's not okay to hit anyone no matter what race or gender the person is. Unless if it's self-defense.

  25. @rachaelxxsxx : Hey i know i might be pretty difficult to give the first step, but please love yourself help yourself out and then you can give a good exemple for your soon.Abusive relationship is a circle, if you don't move out from this, it's never going to change.Where you live must have some place that you can go for support, first you must call the police and then a support place, you aren't alone, other people have done it before now is your turn, don't be affraid you are stronge

  26. I watched this and thought that these ladies ar every strong. Please watch my video jcollins Time 2 Talk the official video about the death of a dear friend from domestic violence

  27. @ltt989 what do we do about all the women who commit violence against men? You know, the majority of cases of domestic violence are initiated by women.

  28. @rachaelxxsxx there is no excuse for hitting/beating up someone. You have the power just find it and hold on to it… the option is in your hands. I feel bad for your son. Please act quickly on the matter. . . It will do good for everyone. The minute you make the move, he will see what is wrong with him and maybe he will change if you do that. If you stay its likely he wont change (unless he decides to see a therapist).

  29. I just wanted to say, theres a good book called "whos pulling your strings" by Harriet B. Braiker and i highly recommend it to anyone who is being manipulated/controlled or even going through domestic violence in general. It helps to be more aware of these kind of people who are likely to control people by applying concepts in situations and personality.

  30. I cant hit the woman who has my children, and whom I call my wife cause to me she'll be as beautiful as life and hurting her purposely would turn me into the very people I dislike

  31. My friend's sister was in a abusive relationship, we told her to not to stay with the guy anymore but she intended to still say that she loved him. I dunno what goes on, but it must be hard to women in abusive relationships wanting to leave or not. I feel so helpless, because you can't exactly force someone out of a relationship that they want, because they will end up going back to them. I personally think more education should be done to help people intervene before something happens.

  32. @slipknotmetalchickk you dont say. its pretty much like with any other ape. in work, the boss usualy loads his tress on workers below him, and those do the same to those with the people below them. so who is lower then the lowest man at work? his wife ofcourse, and she then loads her stress to children. its called pyraimd of stress. now this does not justify abuse of anykind. but it explanes how abuse has creeped in to our psygology. its parasitic way to relive ones stress.

  33. I agree that meaningless violence is weakness, but what if the woman uses this to gain the upper hand? What if she uses the fact that she can get him arrested to get whatever she wants? Is that normal? Is that right?

  34. Under grants from the National Institute of Mental Health, the Family Research Laboratory from University of New Hampshire conducted a study on domestic violence. The following results came from the study:

    1. At least 50% of domestic violence victims are male
    2. Most domestic violence is initiated by females
    3. Females are 3 times more likely to use a weapon during domestic violence
    4. Females beat their spouse more severely and more often than males beat their spouse.

  35. So happy for these women who got help in their situations! I do hope they can forgive their abusers, and also receive the forgiveness that only comes from Jesus Christ! He died for us all, so we could be free, and spend Eternity in Heaven! " Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved1" Romans 10:13

  36. @ABCDE6294 I was exploring the Family Research Laboratory's website.. I found an international study on domestic violence, but could not find the research results. Could you please provide a citation? I would like to see this data if possible.

  37. @npadul30

    Start opening up support centres for abused men then. Because there aren't that many right now, and most that do exist are actually run by feminists that also support battered women. But as the seriousness of abuse increases, the more likely the victim is a heterosexual female or homosexual male.

  38. Please do your research. There is a large percentage of abusers who do not actually begin abusing until marriage or children or some other type of "commitment". Abuse is about control. Therefore, many abusers "wait" until they know their partner has a commitment to them. Again, PLEASE do your research. You have no idea what you are saying.

  39. Domestic violence towards women & children is very wrong.
    Domestic violence is an epidemic globally.
    Domestic violence is a crime and should be reported.
    The Perpetrators should be arrested and punished to the fullest extent of the law.

  40. people acknowledge violence going both ways, but they focus more on women victims in things like the media because they will be injured more. if a woman punches a man, the worst she could do is give him a black eye. if a man punches a woman, he could fracture her skull. this would be understandable, if they would just say on the news that women are just as abusive as men

  41. It seems so very pathetic, and sad that on a video that aims to raise awareness of the harm of domestic violence, a lot of people seem only able to argue about men vs. women, who suffers more?, who is more violent? blah blah blah. Its all stupid, the point is that domestic violence is wrong, whoever it happens to, and by raising awareness, and helping people see this is NOT normal behavior from a partner, that maybe some positivity can occur. Grow up people.

  42. Sorry girls but every incident of a man hitting a woman I know of has been due to a woman inflicting psychological stress upon the attacker first. There may be unprovoked incidents but they are likely to be cultural

  43. women who don't report real abuse are not 100% weak.. thats only a part of it.. they become nearly emotionally destroyed.. they begin to believe what is said to him.. same goes for emotionally abused men..

  44. It is terrible how arrogant and pathetic modern men have become.

    They refuse to take responsibility for their actions, treat women as sex objects and one night stands, walk out on families leaving the woman alone with kids.

    There should be harsh laws for these pathetic men who abuse women like this.

  45. Please Share my video IN THE DARK ( A Song For Battered Women) for October's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You can find it on YouTube by searching my name JD Smith.. it will be the first video. Thanks & Peace Out-J.D. Smith

  46. Men of the United Kingdom, do not cohabit or marry any of the women in your country, this is my warning for you all. Move to another country and start your lovely family.

  47. 26th October 2012 marks the release of my NEW music video for my latest single 'Life in New York' as part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please check the video out on my page and comment. Together we can stop this! Say no to violence.

  48. I was once with a violent guy. He ended up going to jail for what he done to me. That was a few years ago. Fast forward to this day, and me and him still speak as friends. It may sound stupid, but I decided to forgive him. The other day we were speaking about what happened between us, and I told him I believe that it when someone finds themselves in that situation (where they are angry, upset etc.) it depends on how they REACT. How they react will determine how the situation will turn out.

  49. False allegationd of DV should also be taken seriously. My ex bangs on about DV in order to ruin my relationships with our kids. She gives real victims a bad name. Not to mention she has a conviction for assault. On me!!!

  50. "Men who abuse women are weak"

    "Women who file false claims of abuse are weak"

    Both claims are true, oh and I also might add, Women who abuse men are weak as well! And men who file false claims of abuse are weak!!! [If that happens, though I've not yet heard of it happening]…

  51. Men who rather choose to suspect or ignore the brutal reality of massive abuse of women and girls than to realize the worrying facts about the crimes, either hide something, or simply openly support misogyny.

  52. As a man who's dealt with a violent woman I have a hard time watching this. I have compassion and empathy for anyone, woman or man, who's in this kind of situation. But to watch another video, and hear one sided stats from one sided studies. My stomach can't handle it. If we keep handeling domestic violence solely as something men do to women and never the other way around, we'll never defeat the problem.

  53. It takes away from their false nattative that men are the exclusive perpetrators of DV and that women are the exclusive victims.

  54. Then misogyny hardly exists. The problem is that if you mention that men can be abused too then you automatically hate women.

  55. Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets :

    – Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke.
    – When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim.
    – Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not.
    – They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right.
    – Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical.
    – They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection.
    – Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target.
    – They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing).
    – They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!).
    – Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything.
    – Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help.
    – When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors.
    – Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them.
    – They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior.
    – They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer.
    – They think they are models to be followed.
    – They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief.

    Please share this message to other people and forums. We have to raise awareness!

  56. Charming
    Is just an act
    But just wondering if any of these women ever tested the partner
    As in mentally challenging a person to gain a result
    This test is killing women one by one


  58. How many men killed by their wife in a matter of a week? 2? If not, that is a reason when talking about domestic abuse, it is mostly about women abused by men.

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