Coaching for Success Webinar: Communication to Enhance Coaching Relationships

Coaching for Success Webinar: Communication to Enhance Coaching Relationships

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– [Tina Smith] At this time, I will give the floor to Miss Ruthie Liberman. Miss Liberman, I will give you the floor. – [Ruthie Liberman] Great,
thank you so much, Tina. And good afternoon and welcome,
everyone, to our webinar. We have a great turnout today. And we have some interesting
material to present. So first off, we’d like to find
out who’s on our call today and we also want you to
practice using that wonderful Q&A box on your bottom
right-hand of your screen, because we’re going to be asking
you to use it quite a bit. So let’s start off by
everyone putting your name in the Q&A box, what state you’re from, and what’s your favorite vacation spot: the mountains or the ocean? If you’re in… if you’re
sitting together as a group, feel free to put all your names in there, and state and you can just
pick one, mountains or ocean. So while you are filling that in, I wanted to let you know that
today you’re going to get to watch three short video clips. All of them are going to be a lot of fun. When those video clips
appear on your screen, I want you to know that
you have the opportunity to enlarge the video
and you can also lower or raise the volume. You’ll find these controls
on the bottom right of the video box, which will appear when the videos are loaded. So, I’m going to ask Tina if
she’s ready to start reading off the names and where our
participants are coming from. – [Tina] Yes, I have one from
Miss Carenda from Oklahoma. And she likes the ocean. We have a Terry from West Virginia, the same thing, he likes the ocean, or she likes the ocean, I’m sorry. And we have a Bridget
from West Virginia. She chose the mountains. And we also have here, from Michelle, she’s from OKC, she likes the ocean. Cresha from Oklahoma likes the ocean. I want to say Miss West from
Alabama, she likes the ocean. Elizabeth Walker from
Alabama likes the beach, so I’m guessing the ocean. And we also have here, let’s see… Lori Jackson from North Carolina here. I believe she likes the ocean. Brad from South Dakota, open plains. Karla from Alabama and
Miss Williams from Alabama both chose the ocean. We have Miss Sheila from Colorado. Let’s see… and Miss Beverly
from Alabama, the ocean. Miss Theresa Jordan, the mountains. From West Virginia, sorry. Deborah from Alabama, she is… she enjoys the mountains. Let’s see. We have Miss Bruce from Alabama. She chose the beach, so
I’m guessing the ocean. Tiffany from West Virginia
says the beach, all the way, in all caps with
exclamation; so the ocean. (laughing) We have Nicole from Alabama;
she chose the mountains. West Virginia, we have
Charlie from West Virginia. He chose mountains all
around, all the time. So I guess the ocean, because
he’s used to the mountains? So we have Laura, from West Virginia, and Linda.
They both chose the ocean. I have Miss Bruce on here
again, the beach and the ocean. (muttering) Karen Skinner from Alabama, ocean. I believe ocean is at the lead here. We have Deborah Keeton, mountains. Sheila from West Virginia,
the beach, so the ocean. It looks here, we have
Raymond, Donna, Monica, Iris, Sandy, and Kirsten,
they all chose the ocean. Tammy from South Dakota
loves the mountains. Okay, and she has yet to
see the ocean, by the way. And, yeah, and I have a Kathleen,
she likes the ocean. And last, but not least,
Emma from Missouri. She likes the ocean. – [Ruthie] How about you,
Sam, what’s your choice? – [Sam Wulfsohn] Oh, wow,
it’s hard for me to choose. I love to be in the mountains
because I rock climb, but I also love the ocean. So I can’t choose, sorry. (laughing) And you, Ruthie? – [Ruthie] Well, I’m the
ocean, so I was saying, we can have a fantasy last
meeting where the mountain people can join Sam, and the
ocean people will join me in Waikiki or something like that. How’s that sound? Should we suggest that to OFA? – [Sam] Yeah, let’s do that. – [Ruthie] Great. Well, we
have a super turnout. Thank you all for joining us, and I just wanted to
help you understand what we’re going to be doing today. Our webinar is a follow
up to our big webinar on coaching relationships. Last month, we also had
a really large group and we had great
participation from all of you. So we’re hoping that
you’ll be equally inspired to share your thoughts and insights with your colleagues today. We’re going to focus on
communication strategies and talk about how your
communication style can have an impact on
the kind of relationship that you develop with
your client, which in turn has an effect on their
engagement and outcome. So, Miss Tina is going to be
cuing up a video right now, and this video is going
to help you think about how important communication is. It is going to include some comedy stars that you’re familiar with,
and it’s also a comedy routine that you’re familiar with, but
I want you to stick with it ’til the very end, where you will
see the moral of the story. Okay, go ahead, Miss Tina. – [Steve Higgins] I tell you, Jimmy, you
know what I love? Jimmy, I love baseball.
When we get to St. Louis, will you tell
me the guys’ names on the team so when I
see them in the big St. Louis ballpark,
I’ll be able to know those fellas? – [Jimmy Fallon] All right, but you know, strange as it may seem,
they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.
– [Steve] Funny names. – [Jimmy] Nicknames, pet names.
Now, on the St. Louis team, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third. – [Steve] That’s what
I’m trying to find out. – [Jimmy] I’m telling you:
Who’s on first, What’s on second, I
Don’t Know is on third. – [Steve] You know the fellas’ names?
– [Jimmy] Yes. – [Steve] Then who’s playing first?
– [Jimmy] Yes. – [Steve] I mean the fellow on first base. – [Jimmy] Who. – [Steve] The fellow
playing first base for St. Louis. – [Jimmy] Who.
– [Steve] The guy on first base. – [Jimmy] Who’s on first. – [Steve] Why are you asking me for?! – [Jimmy] I’m not asking you,
I’m telling you: Who is on first. – [Who] You guys talking about me? (crowd cheering) – [Jimmy] Yes, as a
matter of fact, we are. This is Who. – [Steve] How should I know?! I never met the guy! – [Jimmy] Well, now you’ve met him. – [Steve] Met who?
– [Jimmy] Yes. – [Steve] Look, would
you tell me your name? – [Who] Who.
– [Steve] You. – [Jimmy] Who. – [Steve] Him!
– [Who] Me? – [Steve] Yes!
– [Who] Who. (groaning) – [Steve] What is your name? – [Jimmy] No, no, no,
What’s on second; this is Who. – [Steve] That’s what
I’m trying to find out! – [Jimmy] All right, calm down, will you? – [Steve] Okay, listen: when I say hello to
this fellow right here, I’m saying hello to who? – [Who] Hello, nice to meet you. – [Jimmy] See, now you’re
starting to get it! – [Steve] Get what?! – [What] I’m right here. – [Steve] And who are you? – [Who] I’m Who.
– [Steve] What? – [What] Yes? (groaning) – [Steve] Who’s this fella? – [Jimmy] No, who is that fella. – [Who] I am Who; Who am I. – [Steve] How am
I supposed to know?! What’s your name?! – [Who] No, What is his name. – [Steve] I’m not
asking you what his name is! I’m asking you: who is
this fella right here? – [Who] That’s right. – [Steve] But what’s his name? – [What] What is my name. – [Steve] You don’t know your name? – [What] Of course I do. – [Steve] Well, then tell me. – [What] What.
– [Steve] Your name! – [What] What.
– [Steve] What’s wrong with this guy? – [Jimmy] Who? – [Who] What?
– [What] Yes? – [Steve] Oh, I think
he’s got hearing problems. – [Jimmy] Who? – [Who] What?
– [What] Yes? – [Steve] Look, can’t
you see I’m talking to him? – [What] Who? – What?
– Who? – What?
– Who? – What?
– Who? – What? – [Jimmy] Boys, boys, settle down! Now then, I’m glad that’s all cleared up. He’s Who, and What’s his name. – [Steve] I don’t know! – [I Don’t Know] All right,
gentlemen, I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation.
(crowd cheering) Look, it’s very simple. This fellow’s actual name is Who, W-H-O, and this fellow’s actual
given birth name is What, W-H-A-T. – [Steve] Well, that clears it up. Why didn’t you just say
that in the first place? But wait, who are you? – [I Don’t Know] I Don’t Know. – Third base! (audience cheering) – [Tina] All right, Miss
Liberman, back to you. – [Ruthie] Great. So, obviously I think
that was a great introduction to the importance of communication. There’s so many facets to communication and we’re going to be
delving a little deeper, if not as humorously, into them today. But, let’s just start off with:
What is communication? When we think of communication, we, and that would include
me, we mostly think about the giving side of information. But we all know the truth
is that the receiving side is just as important. In fact, it can be even more important. When you think about
your work today, you know that the majority of your
time is spent communicating. Communication is the essential
part of working with people. How we communicate plays an important role in how we build trust and connection. Good communication is an
essential part of building and maintaining healthy relationships. So today we’re going to
delve into the following communication topics. First, we’ll define and talk
about attending behaviors. This is where we really pay attention to the needs of the client. We’ll also talk about what it means to be an empathetic listener,
so that the client feels that we understand where
they’re coming from. Then we’ll talk about the
role of nonverbal behavior in our communication with clients. We’ll discuss some useful
verbal communication strategies that help us share ideas
and motivate clients in a non-threatening manner. And finally, we’ll review
strategies for managing stress, and making an emotional
connection to the client. – [Sam] I should point
out that the last bullet is actually a teaser for our next webinar. – [Ruthie] Right, thank you, thank you. So, attending behaviors. Good attending behaviors
demonstrate that you respect the person and are interested
in what he or she has to say. The effect of attending is
encouragement to the client to go on talking about her
ideas or feelings freely. Without using words, you’re communicating that you’re listening to the client. There’s several components
of good attending behavior. Eye contact: Looking at the
client is one way of showing that you’re interested,
but you have to make sure that you’re doing it naturally. Later on, Sam is going to
show you a great example of how not to look at your client. Posture, as I sit myself up: How you hold your body can
indicate that you’re interested and also indicates how comfortable you are about meeting with your client. You want to be relaxed
so that you can convey that you’re ready to focus on her, but you don’t want to look like
you’re ready to fall asleep. Facial expressions: A good listener’s facial
expressions are a true sign of responsiveness. Are
you smirking, smiling, frowning, raising your eyebrows? I suggest that sometime
you put a little mirror up near where your phone
is and watch yourself when you’re talking on the phone, or ask a colleague to give you feedback. I know I myself will
often have facial features that don’t necessarily
reflect how I’m feeling. Now we’re going to talk
about empathetic listening. Empathetic listening
requires you to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, so that they can feel heard
in a non-judgmental way. Empathy allows your client to feel safe, acknowledged, and valued. Empathetic listening also means
that you avoid interrupting, even when you have
something important to add. And that relates very
carefully to the first bullet, which is that we should make
sure that we’re spending about 70 percent of our time
doing empathetic listening, and only about 30 percent
of our time talking. It’s really important that
if you offer solutions to your client, you make
sure that they’re interested in hearing what you have to say. And so Sam and I are going to try to do a little demonstration with you right now. We’ll see if this works out. We want to show you
different ways of listening, and hopefully as we get to the
end of these demonstrations, you’ll see a great
example of someone who’s listening with her ears,
eyes, mind and open heart. Okay, Sam. – [Sam] All right. So hi, Ruthie, how are you today? – [Ruthie] Not so great. I’m having a hard time with child care. – [Sam] Oh, oh. That’s an example of what we
would call pretend listening. Let’s do another one: Hi,
Ruthie, how are you today? – [Ruthie] Not great. I’m having a hard time with child care. (disinterested muttering) – [Sam] Oh, child care, huh? So that’s an example
of selective listening, where I was only listening to
part of what she was saying, related to her child care. Let’s try a third example:
Hi, Ruthie, how are you today? – [Ruthie] Not so great. I’m having a hard time with child care. – [Sam] Oh, okay, so it
sounds like you’re having a hard time with child care and we need to think about that together. So that’s an example of
attentive or active listening, where I’m reflecting back what she said, and I’m paying attention
to what she has to say. Let’s try the last example; here we go. Hi, Ruthie, how are you today? – [Ruthie] Not that great. I’m having a hard time with child care. – [Sam] Well, that sounds really hard. So, child care is giving you some
trouble, huh? – [Ruthie] Yeah, it is. – [Sam] Okay, so that’s our last
example of empathetic listening. – [Ruthie] And Sam, I have
to say, you actually, like… I felt moved by the way you reacted to me, even though I knew that
we were role playing. So I think that was a
really good example there. You kind of made me feel
like I wanted to talk more. So, I know that all of
you have thought a lot about being good listeners,
and you probably have covered this in your
supervision and in orientations, at other times. So I’m
interested in you now putting responses into the Q&A box, and sharing with the group some examples that you can provide about
good listening skills. Okay, so what do good listeners do? You can describe them or you can talk about what you think about to help you be a good listener. So please, put those in the Q&A box, and Tina will be reading
off some of the responses. I also would like to highlight,
if anyone can suggest how you can indicate
in a phone conversation that you are a good
listener, because I know particularly in Missouri
and also in New Hampshire, two of the states where I’m working, a lot of the case work does end
up happening over the phone. And folks are looking for
some tips on how you could do coaching over the
phone and how you can send the message that you’re
being a good listener. – [Tina] Okay, Miss Liberman,
we do have some responses. Sheila stated: Don’t type
when the client is talking. Another is: Look at the
other person to let them know you’re paying attention. We have another suggestion:
Nodding while listening. Replying back what they are saying. Another response is: Good
listeners are present in the conversation, meaning
they are not thinking of a response while someone is talking. Good listeners make eye contact, and actually pay attention
to what people are saying, not looking through
papers or at the computer while they are talking. Another response is: By repeating back what the participant is saying. Another suggestion is: Don’t interrupt or change the subject. In the phone conversation, the tone of your voice is very important. Also, paraphrase what
the client is saying, so they know you understand. Another suggestion or
comment is: By looking at the person when they are speaking, when on the phone, restate
to make sure you understand. – [Ruthie] Great; thank you all. Those were really good
responses and I particularly thank those of you who gave
some ideas around the phone. I know I often hear people
typing on the other end, and you know that then
they’re not quite listening and paying attention to you. Here are some of the ideas, or indicators, that Sam and I came up with… actually, Sam came up with these. I think that you’ve covered most of them, but I do want to emphasize
the first bullet point, which is: Let go of
their need for control. So I think that relates
a lot to not thinking about what your reply is going to be, but really trying to use
your mindfulness to clear your brain, listen to
what they have to say, and then allow yourself
the time to come up with an appropriate
response, not the response that you had in mind for
controlling the conversation. Another bullet that I’m not
sure I’ve heard mentioned was using silence and waiting. That’s one that is
particularly hard for me. But I have had great role
models in Sam and others, who are wonderful communicators,
and you have to learn how to sit with that
discomfort of the silence. Some people’s reactions just
take a little bit longer, or their emotions may be
getting in the way of being able to respond, and it’s really
important for us to learn to be comfortable with
that silence and waiting. Sam, is there anything else
you want to comment on? Not hearing you, Sam. I don’t know if others
are having that problem. – [Sam] Sorry, I was on mute before, because I didn’t want you to
have to listen to me coughing. So I notice there’s a couple
of additional comments in the comment box, one from Raymond that states: Pay
attention and have clients close in proximity and taking notes. And then I like this,
it’s kind of interesting: In a phone conversation, if you smile, somehow it’s heard by the
other person on the line. And I think smiling is
one of my favorite things in communication; obviously
you have to be responsive to the person’s emotional reactions, but I think that’s really neat. So thank you for that from Lori Jackson. – [Ruthie] Yeah, and I
think, yeah, just the act of smiling puts you in a
positive frame of mind. It’s one of those body/mind interactions, and especially if you’re
not looking forward to having a conversation with your client, it’s quite easy to kind of
force yourself to smile, because they can’t see you,
but it might lighten up your tone of voice and kind
of give the message to the client that you really are
happy to be talking to them and you’re eager to have
this conversation with them. So, that was great. And we’re going to move
over to the next slide, and Sam, hopefully you
have the control right now. – [Sam] Yeah, so we’re going
to… speaking of smiling, we’re going to share
another video with you that Miss Tina’s going to put up, that hopefully will get you a smile. And the point of this video, and Miss Tina, you can start
queuing the video right now, is really to highlight for everybody why nonverbal behavior is an
important aspect of communication. – [Tina] Okay, I will
play the video, guys. – [Pam] It is crucial
that you listen, Dwight. Also, you want to respect their… Are you listening now? – [Dwight] Yes. – [Pam] Okay, well, you have to show us. – [Dwight] That’s impossible. Listening happens in the
ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have
external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory
stimulation, but unfortunately, our external hairs don’t vibrate at all. – [Pam] Huh, uh-huh. – [Dwight] What are you doing? – [Pam] A little smile and a nod shows that I hear you. Got it? – [Dwight] Kind of. – [Pam] Nellie, why don’t you tell Dwight what we were doing
earlier today, and Dwight, you show us that you’re listening. – [Nellie] Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a
mural that our commission planned to paint there. We were talking about the color schemes, and the major themes we want to hit: Children of the world coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child-labor-y way. – [Erin] It’s just up and down. Just a regular nod, like a person would. – [Dwight] I am a person. – [Sam] Okay, thank you. – [Tina] You’re welcome. I’ll give you back the controls, Miss Sam, so you can proceed. – [Sam] So I think the
point of that video– oops, I hope I’m coming in right. The point of that video is
that the nonverbal components of communication both convey
a message that “I’m telling you something” and also that
“I’m listening to you.” And I think that kind of
highlights well for us, as to how important nonverbal
communication can be. And from this slide, you
can see that the message is strongest, that your tone
of voice and your nonverbal communication is the most
strong piece of communication. So just a quick example: If
I look at you and I smile and I say: “Ooh, Ruthie,
I like your shirt today!” She’s getting the message
that I like her shirt. However, if I say: “I like your shirt.” I think she’s getting
the message that I do not like her shirt, even
though those are my words, which say: I like your shirt. So nonverbal communication
is a key and important thing to keep in mind when you’re
communicating with people. All right, let me move
you to the next slide. So here are some examples
of some nonverbal strategies that are important to pull
out of your back pocket. One is facial expression,
and we’ve talked about that. And I know I was selling the smile, but I think a facial
expression can also be one that shows that you’re
concerned or you’re worried and reflects the feelings of the person you’re communicating with. Gestures: I think you
guys have seen me before; I’m a big gesture person and obviously there are different ways of doing that. Our body language: Are you
open or are you sitting like this? Gives a different
kind of message to the person that you’re communicating with. Eye contact, wait time and silence, the orientation of your body, and then being just aware
of kind of your pitch. Are you speaking in a high-pitched voice because you’re worried about something, or are you speaking loudly
or are you speaking softly– all of those communicate different things. So those are important to keep in mind. So I’m interested to hear from all of you in relation to nonverbal strategies, and this is a chance, again, for you guys to share your thoughts about this. And we drew up two questions
for you to think about. You can respond to one or both, but I’d like to hear from
you: What nonverbal strategies do you use when you first meet a client, and what, you know,
what’s your favorite thing that you pull out all the time? And then what do you
think is most important when you first start to
establish a relationship with the client in terms
of the nonverbal piece? So if you could take a
moment to think about that, and write your reflections in the Q&A box, and then Miss Tina will read
to us what people are thinking in relation to nonverbal communication. – [Tina] We have someone. Miss
Trenda suggests: Handshake. I have from Beverly: A
smile and a handshake. Chantel: Eye contact. Deborah: A smile and a handshake to greet.
Good. – [Sam] And I appreciate the
handshake because we haven’t really spoken about that,
but people have different kind of comfort levels
with touch, but sometimes just a gentle touch is
a great way to connect with people and a verbal
communication strategy as well. – [Tina] I have from Chantel: Lean in. Raymond: Smile. Always smile with eye contact. That’s from Lori. Alita: greet them with a smile,
extend hand for handshake, plus eye contact. Another eye contact and
smile from Carlette West. Okay. Miss Dubose: Smiling. So I see smiling and
handshake and eye contact are the top suggestions for nonverbal. – [Sam] Great. – [Ruthie] I just want to comment: I liked the suggestion of
reaching your hand out, because that does give
the visitor an opportunity not to shake hands if they don’t
feel comfortable with that. So that was pretty subtle there. – [Tina] I have from
Miss Tammy, she’s saying: First smile, in bold. Then she put: An open posture
to make them feel welcome. Gesturing them to your office, the chair, et cetera, to welcome them. I have Charlie who suggests: Handshakes and an uplifting tone. Trust is very important in
establishing a relationship. – [Sam] Thank you; these
are all great examples. Okay, so I’m going to just move
us very briefly to thinking about just the cultural differences in nonverbal communication, and this could be a whole
other webinar on its own, but I just wanted to
highlight three things that you can do to try to be more aware of the cultural piece,
because there are different cultural components to them,
especially the nonverbal. Eye contact, some people view eye contact as a sign of respect and friendliness. Other cultures might find
it as disrespectful and that, you know, the eye contact makes people uncomfortable. So just think about those things. And so, there’s a couple
of things for you to try to remember. One is observing people. So if you are working with clients from different communities,
of different cultures, observe what they’re doing,
and that’s a wonderful way to learn different ways
that people interact. Know that there are
individual differences. So there are both differences
that come with communities and different cultures, but
there’s also differences in individual people, so if
you’re talking to somebody who’s more extroverted versus introverted, they’re going to use nonverbal
communication in different ways. So try to be aware of that. And then I think the third one for me that’s really helpful is
that it’s not just one nonverbal signal, but when
you’re looking at people, if you meet somebody and they look down and they don’t smile at you,
is it because that’s their style of communication, or is it they don’t want to talk to you? So what you want to do is look
at the whole nonverbal package. So if all the other nonverbal signals are giving you the message:
“I want to communicate” “with you, but I’m just looking down,” “because that’s how
I’ve used eye contact,” then they’re giving you a
different kind of message than if they’re looking like this, which is folded arm, head
down, eyes down, frowned face. Very different to kind of
looking down with a smile and an open posture. So try to look at those
nonverbal signals as one group, and that’s a helpful way
to keep things in line. So here’s just a few little
kind of hints of things to keep in mind as you communicate, keeping a kind of cultural
lens on it as well. Okay, so now we’ve talked a
lot about kind of receiving information and sending
nonverbal messages, so we also want to spend
a little bit of time speaking with you about some
verbal communication strategies that are specific, list
specific suggestions to help build relationships and
support the relationship. And we’re going to talk through four different examples of things. So the first example, I’m going to…
for each of these examples, I’m going to tell you why we
do this type of a statement, and then tell you how, and
then I’m going to ask people on the phone to try to
give us some examples of some specific examples
of how they might do that. So our first example statement
is a clarifying statement. And the reason you do that
is because you want to get some more information or
make sure you understand what the person is saying. And there are a couple
of ways you can do that. One is you can ask open-ended questions. And then the second is you can
restate your interpretation or kind of encourage them to
give you more explanation, about what it is they’re talking about. So, take a moment and
think if you can come up with an example of a clarifying expression that you might use with a client. And you can put those
answers in the Q&A box. I have a couple that I can think of, but I want you guys to try
and think of some first. So here’s an example from
Chantel. Thank you. She says: “Can you tell me
a little more about that?” That’s a great example of
a clarifying statement. Alita: “Let me make sure
I heard you correctly.” “You stated…” Fabulous. I almost feel like as an
aside I want to print up the chats from this session
and share it with everyone, because there’s so much great
information being shared with us today, you wonderful people.
– [Ruthie] Good idea. – [Sam] “I understood you to say…” That’s from Tanjula– I hope I’m saying your
name correctly– Williams. Oh, excuse me, Fannie said, sorry, “I understood you to say…” “And so you are saying that…”
These are all wonderful examples of clarifying questions. Super. So a couple I have, just so you know, is: “Let me make sure I understand.” And then I’ve got, I also
have: “So you’re saying…” And so that’s a good, I
guess, a good back pocket way of clarifying something with someone. All right, let’s move on
to the second example. So the second example is
a reflecting statement. And here what you’re trying
to do is you’re trying to show that you understand what the speaker
is… both what they’re saying, and also what they’re feeling. So it’s not just the content, but it’s the emotional component of it. And the way that you
do that is you reflect the speaker’s basic feelings,
or you can paraphrase basic points that they’re sharing, or you can ask reflective questions. So, given that you guys
are so great at coming up with examples, I’m going to
hand the floor back to you and have you share some
examples, possibly, of some reflecting
questions that you might, or reflecting statements
that you might use, which could be both
questions and statements. So from Beverly– oh, I
think this was from earlier. “That sounds really frustrating.” And then from Elizabeth,
we have: “It sounds as if” “you are a little angry
about that experience.” Wonderful. “So you were feeling blank,
blank, blank about this.” Wonderful. “One example I have is
just to ask directly: ‘So how do you feel about it?’ Or: ‘Tell me more about how
you’re feeling about this.'” Super, all right. So, I’m going to move on
to the next type of verbal statement that you can use,
and this is summarizing. And so the reason why we
would summarize with a client is just to review how things are going and kind of pull together several ideas. And the way that you
do that is you’ll restate a major idea that’s been expressed, and then again, include
feelings in the conversation. So let’s see what examples
you guys can come up with. Perhaps, the moment I
start to say something, something will pop up on the screen. So restate… thank you,
Trenda. “Restate what they said.” So just reflecting back
exactly what they say and then restating it. Wonderful. Another example might be: “So
these seem to be the key ideas” “that you’ve talked about.” Alita says: “So your plan
of action includes…” “How do you feel about this so far?” So she’s combined some
things here as well. Another example might
be: “Let’s make a summary.” “Here’s a summary of what
I’ve heard you say so far.” “One, two, three, four.” And I’m just throwing a
little nonverbal in there for you guys, for anyone
who’s watching the screen. Okay. So let’s… oh, before
I jump into encouraging, I see Raymond also says…
oh, maybe Iris is saying that: “Restate what they say or state, “Let me make sure I understand you.” That’s great; thank you. Tammy said: “So what I
hear you saying is…” Exactly. So I’m going to jump into the last example of a verbal statement that
helps to build relationships, and this is an encouraging statement. And the reason we do this is
to show interest in what’s being said and also encourage
further conversation. The way to do that is to use a neutral rather than an evaluating comment. And also to ask for more information. And I’d like to just say a little bit more about the first point of using a neutral rather than evaluating comment. I think we’re all very
used to saying “good job” or “great work,” and I think
the message we want to convey to clients is that they shouldn’t… that you want them to also feel good when things are not going
well and encouraged. And so if you lack… if
there’s no good job, great work, it just means I’m not doing well. So if you keep everything neutral, and you just provide neutral comments, then when things are up, they’re up, and when they’re down, they’re down, and there is no kind of
evaluation associated with anything across both…
in both scenarios. And the idea there is to really keep people trying again. So I think it’s better
to say: “I’m really glad,” you know, that didn’t
work out but you got up back on the horse and you kept trying, rather than: “Oh, you did
that so easily. Great job.” The first example is something
we want to keep encouraging this kind of growth mindset, I guess, in our clients, that I’m
not going to give up, and when I try again, when there’s a risk, that’s the kind of thing
we want to be encouraging. So, I’m going to let you
guys give me some examples of an encouraging statement. And I’m looking in the Q&A
box for some wonderful ideas, so that we can add it to the record and share with everybody. And then from Carlette: “You can do it!” There you go; that’s encouraging. Thank you. “All of these are great ideas.” “You put a good deal
of thought into this.” And then we have… that
was from Alita Bruce, and from Chantel Hagen: “You
put a lot of work into that.” “I hope I can help to
keep supporting you.” And Trenda Jordan: “You completed the goal
you set out to do.” And then from Bridget:
“I hope you’re excited” “to work together to meet your goals.” And then from Charlie:
“I understand you may” “be disappointed, but don’t give up.” “Keep striving towards your goals.” These are great examples, awesome. This is really starting to make sense. “Very proud of you,” from Kathleen. Wonderful. “So how are you feeling about
your progress?” from Marcita. Thank you very much, and
these are great examples. And feel free to keep…
oh, Monica just said: “Glad to see you’re still trying.” I was going to say, keep
throwing your ideas in there as we kind of continue
moving onto our next piece of the conversation. So, we’re going to have a little… hopefully this will be a fun activity. So I’m going to show you another video, and this is a video of–
I’m putting in quotes– “a coaching interaction,” so to speak. And we’re going to get
to watch the video twice. The first time, what I want you to do, and everybody will have received a list… Tina, will give you… I don’t know. Tina, are you going to upload
the observation form, in case people don’t have a copy of it? But you will have received– – [Tina] I will do that
at the end of the webinar. – [Sam] Oh, okay. So what I’m asking you to
do for the first viewing of this, just watch this
video and get a general sense of how the communication is going: Kind of watch for examples
of attending behavior, examples of empathic listening, examples of nonverbal communication, and examples of verbal strategy. And then what we’re going
to do is we’re going to get to go back and watch it again, and try to note specific
examples of all of those, and then have some conversation
and share a conversation about what we’re seeing
happening with this coach. Also, there is no example…
go ahead, Ruthie. – [Ruthie] Well, I just want
to say: Before this webinar, you should have received an email with that observation sheet, so
maybe before the video starts, if Tina can get people
time to get that sheet, and then use it during the second viewing. So maybe, Sam, you keep talking. – [Sam] Yeah, I’ve got…
I filled mine in right here, so you can see kind of what it looks like. It’s just this simple… Oh, no, mine’s not a nice version of it. You guys got a nicer version. But the other thing to
keep in mind is that there is no perfect
coach, and this individual is an example of somebody
who is not a perfect coach. So if you notice her do
something that you think: “Well, that’s not really the best…
I think she could have done” “this piece differently
and it would have been” “a better verbal communication strategy” “to build relationships,” that’s okay. You should make a note of that
and say: “This is what she did” “and she might have done
this in a different way.” You know, her tone of voice
or whatever it might be. So let’s give you a chance to…
if you didn’t have a chance to print up the sheet,
you can download that, and then we will show you
this little short video, which is also kind of fun. It’ll be like no other
coaching interaction you have ever seen in
real life, let’s just say. – [Tina] Everyone, if you
didn’t get the sheet already, just right-click on this
link that I have here for you to download it for yourself, okay? I’ll give you a few seconds
and then we’ll start with the video, okay, guys? Hopefully that was enough
time for those who didn’t receive the observation
form. I’m going to go ahead and start the video for you guys to watch. – [Sam] Thank you; that sounds great. – [Woman] It’s a mess. You must feel horrible. You’ve lost everything: your father, your tribe, your best friend. – [Man] Thank you for summing that up. Why couldn’t I have killed that dragon when I found him in the woods? Would it have been better for everyone? – [Woman] Yup. The rest of us would have done it. So why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? – [Man] I don’t know; I couldn’t. – [Woman] That’s not an answer. – [Man] Why is this so important to you, all of a sudden? – [Woman] Because I want
to remember what you say. Right now. – [Man] Oh, for the love of… I was a coward, I was weak,
I wouldn’t kill a dragon! – [Woman] You said “wouldn’t” that time. – [Man] No you… whatever, I wouldn’t! 300 years and I’m the first Viking who wouldn’t kill a dragon. – [Woman] First to ride one, though. So… – [Man] I wouldn’t kill
him because he looked as frightened as I was. I looked at him and I saw myself. – [Woman] I bet he’s
really frightened now. What are you going to do about it? – [Man] Eh, probably something stupid. – [Woman] Good, but
you’ve already done that. – [Man] Then something crazy. – [Woman] That’s more like it. – [Tina] And we’ll play it
one more time for you guys to view it again. – [Sam] So now, as you’re watching this, try to make some notes of
examples, specific examples that you can share with us. – [Woman] You must feel horrible. You’ve lost everything: your father, your tribe, your best friend. – [Man] Thank you for summing that up. Why couldn’t I have killed that dragon when I found him in the woods? Would it have been better for everyone? – [Woman] Yup. The rest of us would have done it. So why didn’t you? Why didn’t you? – [Man] I don’t know. I couldn’t. – [Woman] That’s not an answer. – [Man] Why is this so important to you, all of a sudden? – [Woman] Because I want
to remember what you say. Right now. – [Man] Oh, for the love of…
I was a coward. I was weak, I wouldn’t kill a dragon. – [Woman] You said “wouldn’t” that time. – [Man] No, you… whatever, I wouldn’t! 300 years and I’m the first Viking who wouldn’t kill a dragon. – [Woman] First to ride one though. So… – [Man] I wouldn’t kill
him because he looked as frightened as I was. I looked at him and I saw myself. – [Woman] I bet he’s
really frightened now. What are you going to do about it? – [Man] Eh, probably something stupid. – [Woman] Good, but
you’ve already done that. – [Man] Then something crazy. – [Woman] That’s more like it. – [Tina] Okay, Miss Sam, the
presentation is back to you. – [Sam] Sounds good. So as I said, you were going
to see a coaching session probably unlike any
you’ve ever seen before, and I was wondering if anybody else has coached a Viking
on flying their dragon. My guess is not, but it is a nice example of some of these different
communication strategies that we’ve talked about. So what I would like to
do is hear from everybody. If you have any examples
that you saw of the coach, what types of attending
behavior she noted, that you noted in her.
So this is, again… there’s two pieces to be thinking about when we’re talking about
attending behavior. One is she’s sending the message: “I’m listening, I’m in this with you,” “I hear you, and I’m not judging you.” And then the second is just showing she’s being authentic,
she’s showing empathy and positive regard for her
person that she’s coaching. So if you can give me some examples, we can talk through those. So, we hear from someone that says: “She reminds him that he’s
the first to ride a dragon.” So she pulled out something
positive for that, in terms of her attending. So she’s saying, you
know, “I’m showing you” “some positive regard, I’m
highlighting the positives.” Thank you. Any other examples of attending behavior that you noticed in the coach? “She encourages him
when he starts thinking” “of doing something to help the dragon.” “She says: Good.” Charlie says: “She changed the word.” “She said: couldn’t to wouldn’t.” Yes, that was a kind of
flip on her, on him, yeah. That was pretty tricky. “She observed his body language
and interpreted his feelings.” Bridget is saying: “When
she asks why he didn’t kill” “a dragon, reminding
him there was a reason” “he didn’t kill the dragon;
that stops to make him think.” “She gave him positive
reinforcement and empowered the boy” “to take control.” It is kind of a great example, too, because he went from
being, at the beginning of the coaching session, pretty
dejected and upset and mad at himself, and then he went
off to do something fabulous. Trenda is sharing: Her tone of voice.” And Alita said: “She did not
allow him to fully express” “himself on how he felt.” So that’s real interesting. Thanks, Alita, maybe you can
say something more about what she could have done to help
him to express himself more. “She had time to talk
through his feelings” “by asking some open-ended questions.” And then Sheila said: “She understood” “what he was going through
and still encourages.” So one of the… Lori Jackson: “She’s not afraid to not
candy-coat the situation,” “which seemed to help him
come to his own conclusion” “to take the next step.” And that’s a great point. I think in coaching you want to balance kind of showing the positive
and having unconditional positive regard, but
also coming up with ways of giving feedback to
people so that they can make changes and move forward. One of my favorite
moments was the wait time, where she goes: “So…?” And obviously, that’s perhaps…
just to give you backstory there, they actually… they might be boyfriend and
girlfriend in the story, so it is a different type of relationship, but we’re using this as a coaching. But you can use one verbal point and then use that as a
way to provide wait time. She valued what he said and she told him she wants to remember what he says now, which is a great statement too. I want to remember what
you are going to say, right now, in the moment. Wonderful example. I also noticed some facial expressions, which were pretty good
for a cartoon character. We maybe could have had
more of those if they were real people, and kind of
raised eyebrows to reflect… to help see that she was
listening and interested. I also noticed that at the beginning, did you notice how she
walked up right next to him, and she’s kind of started
positioning herself, and then eventually turned
around and looked right at him? So that’s a nice example
of how I’m attending and I’m using nonverbal communication. What about… did anybody note any, some specific examples of clarifying, reflecting, summarizing,
or encouraging statements? Oh, and look at that; Brad
already has something up there. So he reflected like: “You’ve
already done something stupid,” “which was leading him
on to the next action,” which is something really adventurous, which is actually a good
thing for a Viking to do. Any other examples of some of the verbal, verbal statements that she might have used to help build the relationship
and create a really… in a way, that relationship is
what creates that foundation and that kind of safety place for them to go off and do something. (muttering) I noticed something where she
reflected back his feelings, when she said: “You must feel horrible,” which, the tone was a little sarcastic. So, if we were going to do it again, you might not have that sarcastic tone, but in terms of just the
pure verbal component of it, it’s a nice example of reflecting. Ruthie, did you notice anything
that you wanted to share? – [Ruthie] Yeah, I mean, I
guess I want to say that she really knew her partner there, because some of the things
that she said in the beginning, you could tell they had
a close relationship, and those would hopefully not be things that she would say to
someone she barely knew. She took advantage of the
depth of their relationship to use some strategies
that she probably thought would get him going,
but not all strategies work with all individuals. You really have to take
them person by person. – [Sam] Yeah, that’s a
great point; thank you. And I’m looking to see what you guys… a lot of what you’ve
already shared are things that I had noted myself. I think that anything else
that anyone has seen… I almost feel like we’ve hit
on every possible example I can think of. “To validate his concerns,” from Raymond. Thank you. Are there any other
examples that any of you saw that might be something she
could have done differently, that might have been more powerful? And made the communication more effective? – [Ruthie] Again, I mean, I would say, you know, at the beginning,
I found her to be really judgmental and, you know, “that was dumb,” or I don’t remember the language exactly, and I was thinking, “Well,
that’s not the best example” “of what you could say to someone.” Again, it worked in their situation, but you’ve got to be careful
about the level of honesty. – [Sam] And the other example
that she had at the beginning where he says: “I didn’t kill the dragon.” And she’s saying: “Well, anybody
else would have done it.” That isn’t necessarily a great
way to motivate a person, by making them kind of feel bad about something they didn’t do. Any other thoughts about
this coaching interaction? Well, I’ll be excited for any
of you who have your first Viking to come in and chat
with you about their goals. I want to hear directly from you;
I want to be the first person to know that this has happened. Okay, so I’m going to move on. We’ve covered all the content
that we wanted to cover. And we have a little bit of time, so we want to see if anybody
has any last questions or comments, before we… it
looks like we might be able to give you back a little
bit of extra time today, because we moved through
this material so quickly. Ruthie and I were very efficient today. Feeling proud of us. There’s a message here from Beverly: “What’s simple to you may not
be simple to the next person,’ “like killing the dragon.” Yeah. Thank you, Beverly. So any other questions on
this topic, or comments? Things you’re wondering about? We would be happy to
chat with you about them. – [Ruthie] Sam, I’m wondering
if you could talk about when you’re a supervisor, how do you… how might you be able
to reflect to the folks that you’re working with how effective their communication is,
how might you observe it, and help them having more
of a coaching stance in the way that they’re
interacting with the client? – [Sam] For supervisors? – [Ruthie] Yes. – [Sam] All right, so I’m
going to wing this. (laughing) That’s okay, I’m good
at winging it, I think. But I guess the first thing
I would say is I’m curious for any supervisors that are
actually already on the call what thoughts you have
about this question that Ruthie has, of how
you help any of your staff or team become better communicative, and how you give them feedback. And then I can tell you a
little bit about some thoughts, because of course, I always have something that I’m thinking of
related to this stuff. So for anyone who’s a supervisor, anything that you’ve
done that’s been useful in helping support your team? – [Ruthie] And while people are typing, I’ll just say the first
thing that comes to my mind is the parallel process,
how you communicate with your staff sets
an example and a tone. And there could even be times
that you call out and say, you know, “I want you to be
aware that I thought carefully” “about what I’m saying or
how I’m reacting to you,” do the reflecting, you
know, kind of call out what you’re doing so that they can learn from your example. – [Sam] And I think it
can kind of be in a range. One is by simply being a
model and when you receive this kind of communication,
you’re more ready to be able to offer this
similar kind of communication in terms of the parallel process. The other is that you might
just be even more structured and more goal-oriented, and
have a conversation about what are the things
that you struggle with, when it comes to communication,
what things come easy, and potentially provide some goals, or sort of work together
to set some goals, and provide some feedback. But certainly, the best way to know about what your staff is doing
in terms of communication is to be able to observe
them, and also give them time to observe themselves and
think about how things are going for themselves. So there’s a couple of ways
you can observe yourself. One is just to be mindful in the moment, and reflecting in the moment. The other is to kind of look
back on what you’re doing, and help your staff look
back on what went well and what might be different. The last, which might be
a little bit difficult, but videotaping yourself
communicating can be very helpful. Because you can learn
a lot about what you do with your own facial expressions
and your own gestures, or even just being on
a video chat like this. I can see what I’m doing and I’m thinking: “Oh my gosh, I’ve got to sit
on my hands a little bit.” “It might be too much.” Or this is… when I
was a graduate student, I had to videotape myself
a lot for clinical work, and I discovered that I am like a frog, I’m sticking my tongue out of my mouth all the time and licking
my lips, and I thought, “I’ve got to stop being a frog,” and so these are things that
you can learn about yourself. So supervisors can
provide just nice models in a more informal way, all
the way up to something really, really structured that could
really be goal-oriented and supportive and allow
your teams to learn and develop in that way. So those are some things
that I can think of. Does anybody else on
the phone have thoughts? Oh, hold on, sorry. We have a couple of examples from people. “Pointing behaviors out in the moment.” That comes from Chantel.
And Raymond says: “Observation of clients
and workers interacting.” “And then afterwards providing
feedback in a one-on-one,” “during conferences.” “Teaching them what self-awareness
is and why it’s important.” These are really great
examples, yeah, thank you. – [Ruthie] I do want to
add that we’re hoping, for the July webinar, that
we will be able to share coaching observation
tools, kind of a rubric that supervisors can use
to observe their staff. And it kind of goes beyond communication, but it certainly has
communication on there, and that is something that some of the states actively do now. I know New Hampshire is quite active in observing their case
managers out in the field, at least twice a year and
giving them some feedback. So that is something you
might want to consider incorporating for all levels of staff. Think about how critical
the communication is, of that very first person
that your client meets when they walk through the door, and how that can set the tone for openness and success, you know, while
they’re working with you. – [Sam] Yeah. Deborah
shared something that said: “There’s power in the word ‘yet.'” And I was… could you
say a little bit more about what you’re thinking there? Because that sounds
really interesting to me. And I’m sure people would
like to hear more about it. As she’s… hopefully Deborah
is typing something there. The other thing that
occurred to me is something that we…just that
other means of communicating, which we haven’t really talked about. A lot of this is in person, and we’ve touched on the phone, but we should also be
mindful of the communication that we do– you know, texting, emailing– and I don’t know how much
people are doing with that these days with clients, but
also keeping that in mind. And so again, supervisors,
how you communicate your written communication
and then similarly staff who are communicating with clients. And I might have shared this
during our last webinar, but somebody from the
Oklahoma team communicates with their clients, and
this is a great example of communication that
builds relationships, is when they first come in the first time, she sends them a handwritten
note, just to say, you know, “I’m thinking about you. We’re
going to do this together.” And so that’s an example of
communication that’s happening that really promotes relationships. Just wanted to share that as well. I don’t know if Deborah
has any more to say about her comment. Ah, there we go. “Such as when you say they
haven’t accomplished their goals,” “you can say you haven’t
accomplished your goals yet.” “And that shows them that
you can still reach it,” “and they try.” That’s great,
thank you very much, yes. So you’re getting… “I believe in you,” so maybe you haven’t
reached your goals yet, which implies that I think
that you will, eventually, someday reach your goal.
So thank you, Deborah. Any other questions or comments that people are thinking about? I think you’ve all done a
wonderful job of communicating your thoughts and ideas
today in the Q&A box. – [Ruthie] Yes, I agree. – [Sam] Wonderful group;
thank you so much. Okay. We just wanted to give
you a heads up on a couple of next steps. The first is just to keep in mind we have some upcoming webinars;
we have our June webinar. It’s going to move towards
focusing on self-care and kind of dealing with
some of those potentially emotionally challenging scenarios. The July and August
webinars we’re working out, but some of the topics
that we’re thinking about are related to what
Ruthie had just shared, for kind of an observation
tool for coaching. And then the last thing
I want to say is that when we sign off, we’re
going to have a survey that pops up after the webinar, and I know it’s hard
after you’ve been sitting and listening to something like this to do yet one other thing,
but if you can just take a couple of minutes to respond to that, it’s really helpful because your answers are things that help us to try
to make these things better. So if you… we’ll try
to keep an eye out, and maybe we can send
you a bucket of stars to thank you for completing the web survey and for participating today. That’s something that I
learned from Michelle Watson, who’s at Public Strategies,
and I think it’s a fun idea. Anything else, Ruthie,
that you want to share before we sign off? – [Ruthie] Just thank you, everybody. You were great participants. – [Sam] Here’s our information
if you need to ask questions or are interested in anything else. You can reach out to myself or Ruthie, and I am going to hand
it back to Miss Tina, who will let you know
kind of the final pieces of the webinar today. Thank you, everyone. It was
really fun chatting with you all. – [Tina] And thank you,
Miss Sam and also Miss Ruthie, for the great presentation today. On your screen, I will upload
another file for you all to download for your own use. It will be a Communication
to Enhance Coaching Relationships handout, and
also maybe the observation that some of you all
did not get to download when we were doing the previous activity. You can also download that for yourself, if you would still like to
write and use that tool. And again, we’re going
to also have a survey at the end of the
webinar, and just please take a couple of minutes to respond. Your answers are very important to us. And thank you all again
for your attention, and if you have questions,
please submit them to your coaches. And as you can see here, Miss Sam and Ruthie’s email
address is here as well, if you’d like to send them
an email with any questions. – [Sam] Bye! – [Tina] Bye-bye. And again, those who have
not downloaded any of the handouts, they are here.
Just right-click on the file that you would like to
download, and right-click. Thank you; have a good day.

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