Are You Wasting Your Time on Someone? [RIG 24] Clay Andrews


Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life
and this is the relationship inner game experience. Today we’re going to be talking about the
topic of how to know if you’re wasting your time with somebody or not. Oftentimes I get questions from people that,
you know, somebody goes onto explain their situation, the story and all of that, and
then they say, do I still have a chance? Is there still hope? What are the odds that this will work out? Or something like that. And I often looked behind this and I was like,
well, what do they want me to say that they have a 76.4 % chance that this will work out
or something. Like I have some kind of computer in my back
room or something that’s gonna, you know, I put in all the info “Oh was a long distance
relationship. There is a rebound person and just do, do,
do, do, do” you know, 82 percent chance or something. But, but when I really started to look underneath
it a little bit more, I realized that people just want to know if they’re wasting their
time or not when they are trying to pursue a relationship with somebody or pursue some
sort of connection with somebody. And I want to get to the bottom of this because
this is very important and that is that your only wasting your time. If you learn nothing from the experience. If you have absolutely nothing from the experience,
then you are wasting your time. You know, people often go through things like
relationship challenges, dating challenges, you know, somebody ghosts them, somebody flakes
out on them, somebody cheats on them, or even just like breakups, you know, they want to
get back together, but maybe it doesn’t work out for one reason or another. And they often think, oh, well, you know,
I just wasted my time trying to make that work. I just wasted my time trying to connect with
this person. I just wasted my time trying to date that
person. And that’s a really sad way to go about looking
at things. It’s a really sad way to go about looking
at life because the truth is everything that you experience, everything that you encounter,
everything that happens to you in your life is an opportunity to learn something from
it. It’s an opportunity to learn something from
it and it’s an opportunity to gain a lesson from it that you can take and move into the
future, into your future experiences, so maybe things didn’t work out in a previous relationship
or you just gonna let that be just a terrible thing that happened and you’re just gonna
feel bad for a week or two or something and then you’re going to get out there and start
dating again and just do the whole thing all over again. Are you going to say, wow, that’s something
terrible happened. Let me see. Like why she cheated on me. Let me see like why he flaked out on me? What could I do differently in the future
to make sure that that doesn’t happen? Could I be maybe choosing different partners? Could I be a behaving in a different way when
we’re together? Could I be doing this or that? Right? If you actually learned something from the
process than it is never a wasted experience, so have that mindset and you won’t ever have
to worry about this ever again because no matter what happens to you, you will win. No matter what happens to you, you will gain
valuable lessons. No matter what happens to you, you will find
a way to make success from it. Okay, so find the lesson in everything that
happens and use it to your advantage. This is something extremely important and
I never want you to forget this. No matter what your relationship situation
is, no matter what things happened to you in dating or relationships moving forward,
always find a way to gain something from your experiences, no matter how good or how bad
they are. Okay? Now, beyond this, people I know, just want
to know, hey, is there even a possibility that it’s going to work out? You know, is it even a possibility that we’re
gonna? Get together and be in a relationship, isn’t
even a possibility that she likes me, isn’t even a possibility that he wants to be my
boyfriend, and the truth of the matter is beyond just taking a lesson from things that
happen to you in your life there, there really is no way to completely remove risk, to live
a life without risk and uncertainty. There’s always going to be a certain degree
of uncertainty in life, especially when it comes to dating, unless of course you just
completely opt out of dating and just decide you’re going to not try and just be single. There’s nothing wrong with that, but that
is the only way to have certainty when it comes to dating. When you are in a relationship with somebody,
when you’re dating somebody, when you are in partnership of some kind with somebody,
you are inherently uncertain because it doesn’t just involve you. It also involves another person. Okay, and that person has their own freewill. That person can make their own choices. That person can make their own decisions and
so on and so forth. So as long as you’re gaining something from
it, as long as you’re learning something from it, you’re going to come out ahead. But there is that degree of uncertainty and
you have to be able to expose yourself to uncertainty in calculated doses. Okay? I mean, obviously don’t just go out there
and try to be in a relationship with somebody that you know is severely incompatible with
you or somebody that, you know, there’s just a complete mismatch between the two of you
or something like that because that is as, from what I understand that Thai people say
like a dog barking at an airplane, the dog is getting all worked up trying to, I don’t
know, do something with the airplane, but the airplane of course is, you know, thousands
and thousands of feet overhead and is completely unaware that the dog is even there. Right? So you don’t want to do that, but, you want
to be completely okay with uncertainty or at least okay with the amount of uncertainty
that you’re welcoming into your life. If you’re not okay with the amount of uncertainty
that you’re putting yourself in, then you might want to dial it back to some amount
of uncertainty that you are emotionally okay with, or you might want to look at increasing
your capacity for uncertainty in your life. You have one of those two options, again,
once more to reiterate. Also, learn something from whatever happens
to you in your love life. Learn something from any setback that you
experience and use that to your advantage to have a stronger approach, a stronger strategy,
a more compelling future for you. Don’t let the setbacks that happen just be,
you know, terrible, awful, crappy things that happened to you and then you know, you just
brush yourself off and then go out there and do the whole same thing all over again. Learn something from it, refine your approach,
get a little bit better with every experience that you have. So with that being said, let’s go and talk
about our questions and answers this week from the people in our modern love association
community. Our first question is from Daniel. Daniel writes in and says, how do you develop
a more natural way of authenticity instead of sounding scripted in interactions? Okay, Daniel, so when it comes to sounding
scripted in interactions, that’s probably because there is a part of you that actually
is scripting your interactions, a part of you that actually is in some respect turning
your brain off and just going off of some sort of memorized script or something that
you thought of beforehand or something that seemed to work in the past or something along
those lines and whenever you’re interacting with somebody in that way from some sort of
script or some sort of memorized speech or some sort of thing that you thought beforehand
or something like that, you’re going to be dead in the interactions because you’re not
actually present in the interactions yourself. You’re sort of hitting pause and saying, okay,
let me go back through my history, my memory, whatever, and pull out this thing that I thought
up. I don’t know, a week ago or this thing that
I said to the last five girls that I went out with or something. That worked out pretty well and let me just
use that and that isn’t really very authentic because when you’re actually being authentic
in the moment, you’re actually able to gauge the other person’s response, gauged their
engagement with you and gauge how they are following your story or how they are following
what it is you’re telling them or how they’re following the interaction and you’re able
to adjust what you’re saying to match them. So if they seem like they’re getting bored,
you could maybe say, hey, it seems like this is a little bit boring for you, or you know,
just check in with them or you could maybe change up the pacing or if they’re more of
a detail person, you could maybe go into some more details about some of the things that
you’re telling them or, whatever it might be. But you have to be able to feel into the interaction
to be able to know whether you should be speeding up, slowing down, revealing more of yourself,
reviewing less of yourself and so on and so forth. And this all involves actually being present
in the moment. So if you’re sounding scripted or if you’re
sounding inauthentic, then that probably is because there is some part of you in those
interactions that is not authentic, that is not being really present in the moment, there
is not being alive in that interaction and I would look at how data is showing up for
you and I’d look at ways that you could stop doing that and instead start being more present
and following, engaging where the other person might actually be in the moment. Okay. So I hope that helped you out, Daniel, and
if you have any more questions, please let us know. Our next question is from Jp. Jp writes in and says in some of your old
MQAs, you mentioned that if an ex is giving complete radio silence, it may be beneficial
to respond to that silence with empathy, clear up ulterior motives or to respond to the unanswered
message as if it were asked to you. At what point do you suggest using these approaches
over the light hemingway or Texas Tequila type message? Okay, JP. So like I was just telling to Daniel, you
want to be able to feel into the moment to know when the right time to use this as. It’s not just like, okay, when the following
three things are present, then you can turn your brain off and clear up an ulterior motive
or something like that. What I want you to use, I want you to be able
to ascertain what the right time to do these sorts of things is. But just as a rule of thumb, you have to feel
into the moment. You have to understand what the other person’s
emotional experience is. So for example, if you’re trying to contact
somebody but they’re not contacting you back and you think that there might be some sort
of emotional thing going on with them that’s causing them to not want to contact you back,
you know, you might want to say, okay, well, would it make more sense? Would they feel more open and more comfortable
talking to me if maybe I responded to their silence with empathy? Would they feel more open and comfortable
talking to me if I cleared up some sort of ulterior motive or if I apologized for something
that I did that that they’re still holding onto hurt feelings for something like that,
would it help them to feel more comfortable interacting with me? If I got the conversation going myself and
responded to the message as if it were asked to me, I don’t want you to just be looking
for signs or clues or hints or things like that to tell you when the right time to use
a certain strategy or another would be. I want you to actually be able to put yourself
in the other person’s position to see the world from their position so that you can
understand, okay. I think they are probably upset with me because
they’re still, I don’t know, still hurt because of that thing that I said that one time and
they’re not willing to let go of it and they’re still holding onto that grudge and if you’re
able to do that and you don’t need me to tell you, oh yeah, they’re still holding onto a
grudge. But if you’re actually able to feel into that
situation yourself and say, oh, they are still holding onto a grudge, you can say, Hey, I
understand you might still be pissed off because of that thing I said anyway. I would just really want you to know that,
that I didn’t really mean that. Or you know, whatever. Just cleared up and then you can start to
have a conversation because you know, if they are still upset with you over something that
you said or did from the past, just as an example, they’re not going to be able to let
go of that and have a nice, friendly conversation with you until that’s cleared up. I mean that should be pretty obvious, right? So you want to be able to feel into these
situations, you want to be able to know what the right thing to do is by putting yourself
in the other person’s positions, not by just memorizing a bunch of if then sort of scenarios,
I want you to actually be able to feel into the situation so that you can see the experience
and feel the experience of what you are projecting to the other person from that person’s point
of view and you can say, Ooh, that probably doesn’t feel good because I don’t trust you
enough yet or because I’m still upset about the thing that happened in the past or because
I don’t know if you’re invested in this conversation. And then you can say, okay, well if they’re
feeling that way, then I should do this instead. Okay, so JP, I hope this helps you out and
please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Sue. Sue writes in and says, hi clay. D and I broke up six months ago. We were together for four years and he is
in a rebound relationship with somebody who is very controlling. She tracks his location on his phone and made
him block me everywhere, sent an email from his email telling me not to reach out to him,
etc. He also says that she is not his girlfriend
and no title and it’s not gonna last says that they are not compatible and constantly
have differences, but 10 days ago, D had taken her to a business meeting where our common
friend was present. Our friend told me that they looked like a
happy couple and even kissed at breakfast. That broke my heart. However, the next day he texted me all day
long highlights of which word quote I think about you constantly still and can’t seem
to get a clear understanding of anything and quote, quote, I wish I fully understood all
that and took the dive and risk and got married or what the next step would have been. I mean, after all those years, it’s pretty
evident that we’ve been through thick and thin and quote quote. I often thought what would have happened when
I say I love you in person and how it would feel and quote, these were just some of the
messages during our conversation that he kept asking if I loved the guy that I’m dating
and if I’ve slept with him. However, as I suspected, not only did he disappear,
he also blocked me on whatsapp. The next day I’ve been going on dates just
to keep myself distracted and one of them even seem to be growing on me and seems more
and more interesting, but my heart is with D and D is all that I want without all the
games that he’s been playing. I would like to know at which stage of getting
back together he is on. Would he even get back since he has a girlfriend
though? He says that he misses me. He has blocked me everywhere. Do I still have a chance? Okay, so in terms of the stage that he might
be in, it’s. It’s really tough if we’re just going off
of some text messages here, but I would guess that he is probably in late riding the dragon
or possibly crisis point and the reason that I’m saying that is because I have seen a lot
of positive interactions from him towards you and I haven’t really seen any negative
ones, so either he hasn’t done a pullback yet or he is over that part of riding a dragon
where he would be doing that pull up and he’s mostly seeing you in a positive light. Now as he gets further and further into the
crisis point, he’s going to have to deal with that crisis that he is probably not addressing
directly at this point, which is what to do about this woman that he’s dating, who’s very
controlling, who apparently sends emails from his email account to you, who blocks you on
his social media platforms, etc, etc. He will have to deal with this at some point
or another. And you know, he has to either say, Hey, I’m
going to stay in a relationship with this controlling person, or no, I’m going to end
this relationship and I’m going to see what happens between Sue and I and this is his
decision that he asked to make. And the thing that you want to do as you enter
into crisis point and as you travel through crisis point is to keep positive pressure
on him. So you want to make sure the interactions
between you and him that you do have continued to feel good on an emotional level because
I can guarantee you that the interactions he’s having with his current girlfriend do
not feel good on an emotional level. A does not feel good to know that the person
that you’re dating is tracking you on the phone, that they’re hacking into your email
account and sending messages on your behalf that they’re blocking people from your social
media. And so on and so forth. That’s not something that I imagine anyone
would really enjoy. So she’s applying the negative pressure and
if you apply the positive pressure, you’re going to sandwich him between these two possibilities
and the more pressure that gets applied, the faster he will feel compelled to make a decision. If there’s not enough pressure, he will not
feel compelled to make a decision. And so we want to do is you want to apply
this positive pressure to really stack the deck in your favor so that when he does make
a decision, it’s more likely to go in your favor as opposed towards the controlling woman,
right? If you’re gonna, throw out ultimatums and
you know, have interactions that feel bad, then all bets are off. But if you have interactions that feel good,
if you’re able to connect with him on a, on a positive emotional level and all of that
stuff, then you’re really stacking the deck in your favor and you also want to know where
to even get back. Since he has a girlfriend and he says he misses
it. Yeah, I think he, he’s definitely is thinking
about it. He definitely is entertaining. That idea is just, he’s not really directly
confronted with that crisis yet to the point where he actually feels compelled to make
a decision, right. It might just be some sort of thought that’s
floating through his head or maybe he does miss you, but he’s not committed enough to
the possibility of getting back together with you to actually act on that. So you want to do things like what we recommend
inside ESP and continue to build that positive emotional connection and continue to apply
that pressure for things such as the crisis point. Okay. you also say that he is blocked you
everywhere. Do you still have a chance? Well, it seems like he blocks you and then
unblocks you or rather she blocks you and then he unblocks you and messages you and
then she blocks you again. So, she is trying to control the flow of communication
that he has with you and it seems that he is able to sometimes unblock you and, and,
and communicate with you in that way. So, you know, yeah, you are blocked. Yeah. You are going to have a difficult time getting
through to him, most likely due to her monitoring of his activities and her managing of his
activities, but it’s clear to me that he does still have strong feelings for you. Do you believe that there is a possibility
that the two of you could get back together? it really depends on you and it depends on
him and it depends on whether or not he is really willing to step into that crisis and
to make a decision. but of course you can really help him by creating
positive emotional interactions that do that now, given that his current girlfriend is
a very controlling person, you may not even need to actually be there to create those
positive interactions. Sometimes it’s just the memory of you being
there, the memory of the positive interactions that the two of you had contrasted with the
controlling interactions that they have with this other person that feel bad on an emotional
level. That could be enough to create the pressure
to cause him to break up with you. But nobody can really say one way or the other. Exactly. What’s actually going to happen, but it’s
definitely something that I’ve seen before. Do you still have a chance? I mean, yeah, I mean there’s, there’s always
a chance. Unless of course you just give up. There’s always a possibility. So, you know, yeah, there definitely is a
chance. They’re just, like I told you the last time
you asked me if there was a chance in your situation. So I hope this helps you out and please keep
us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Sarah. Sarah writes in and says, hi clay. My current relationship I’m trying to save,
we have not broken up, at least as far as I know. At the same time, we are having a lot of arguments. She said not being real with myself and what
I want. I said I’m the best boyfriend she had, but
I don’t trust her that I’m still hung up on my situation of my ex cheating on me and getting
over that, that I need to get over that issue for us to have a great relationship. Also said that we spend too much time together
and she is not able to do stuff on her own. We are spending time apart space as she suggests
we need. I need advice as to do the active no contact
as people will say that may be too long for space. I’m also doing the compatibility code course,
hoping she is not seeing anyone right now at this time. This is one week so far of ANC. So far I’ve realized I have no hobbies, no
friends to hang out with, felt too clingy to her and wanted her validation. Everything from her eyes. I’m sure that I’m a mess at this time. What advice would you give me in this situation
so I can get on track for keeping my relationship going? Okay, so if you realize that you have no hobbies,
no friends to hang out with and you are clinging to her for validation on everything, that
is where I would really start. People often think that a relationship is
going to make them happy, when in fact a relationship is not going to make you happy. It’s just going to serve as a bit of distraction
during the newness of it, but at the end of the day, if you don’t like your life right
now, if you don’t have anything going on in your life right now, then a relationship is
not going to suddenly fix it and make you suddenly love your life. You’re just going to be somebody who still
hates their life. If you hated your life before, but you’re
going to also have a girlfriend or you know if you’re somebody else listening, a boyfriend
in your life, and so the most important thing that you can do is to actually love the life
that you live with or without someone else in it. This is going to obviously cause you to enjoy
yourself a whole lot more, especially as you get into a relationship, but this is also
going to make you a much more attractive person in general as well too, because you have to
understand that people are going to be drawn to you and attracted to you based off of the
life that you live. If you hate your life, if you’re not doing
anything that you find enjoyable or worthwhile with your life, then you are basically sending
a broadcast message out to everybody in the world that might date you, that says, Hey,
if you want to be with somebody who hates their life and is not doing anything worthwhile
with their time than I’m the guy for you. Right? And that means that if, if there’s somebody
out there who has self esteem, somebody out there who has goals and ambition in their
life, somebody out there who wants to be a part of a relationship where the other person
actually has some sort of driving momentum or some sort of goals or aspirations or friends
or hobbies or whatever, then that person is going to be fundamentally a turned off by
you. If you don’t have those things and they’re
going to go and find somebody else to date, which means that the only people that are
actually going to want to date you are people that are okay with you having no hobbies,
no friends, no driving goals or aspirations in life. Right? And these are probably going to be a certain
type of people, right? Kind of like if you know, like one thing that
women often say is that, you know, oh well guy needs to approach me. I should never approach a guy because if you
approach a guy shows that he’s interested in shows that he’s serious about dating you
and all that stuff. And I don’t believe that at all. Right? Really, if you take the passive route as a
woman and you just wait for guys to approach you, you’re generally going to get approached
by guys that generally approach women or don’t have a problem approaching women. These include drunk guys, pick up artists
and players for the most part. And if you have been playing the passive role
as a woman waiting for guys to approach you, you may have been able to look back at the
past and say, okay, I’ve been approached by drunk guys. Pick up artists and players. Right? And it makes you wonder where are all the
good guys at where all the real men. Well, the truth is is that most decent men
out there don’t approach women on a regular basis. You know, they might muster up the courage
and you know, their friends might dare them to do it once in a while or something, but
most regular guys don’t go up and talk to a women they’re attracted to on a, on a regular
basis. Especially if those women are strangers, you
know, if they know them through a friend of a friend or something, that’s a different
story. But if it’s just, you know, hey, I’m out on
the street and there you are across the street. Most guys aren’t going to do that. If you’re at a bar and you’re on the other
side of our. Most guys aren’t just going to do that unless
they are the kinds of people that are accustom to approaching strangers or unless they just
happen to muster up the courage on that particular night to come over and talk to you. If you were a woman and you wanted to meet
a nice decent guy who’s not a player, not a pickup artist, not a drunk. You might actually need to change your strategy
and start talking to men, approaching men, right? I’m not saying you have to like take the masculine
role and ask them out on a date and you know your first word should be like, Hey, what’s
good? Go out on a romantic date on it, but just
have some smalltalk. Interject yourself into his presence so that
he feels comfortable talking to you and that he has the ability to take the lead and to
ask you out if that’s what he wants, right? But you don’t have to take the passive role
and mistake that for femininity because femininity is not passive. Femininity absolutely can be active. Passive. It is just passively. It’s not feminine. Okay, so let’s clear that up and going back
to what you said, Sarah, when it comes to you attracting high quality people, when it
comes to high quality people being attracted to you, the best thing that you can do is
to live your life from a place of power. Live your life from a place where you actually
enjoy your life because that is actually going to be incredibly much more attractive than
whatever it is you’re doing now that’s causing you to not have any hobbies or friends and
to seek validation from a women. Okay? Because I can guarantee you, as you start
to reclaim your life, as you start to move your life into alignment with your own values,
you’re going to notice that you’re going to get a much different response from the people
around you. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please
keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Gigi. Hi Clay. I appreciate you helping me become more aware
of my ex’s frustration in not being able to meet and wanting to connect deeper as I had
never realized that because I have been so focused on his pullback in texts, but I can
see now how offering to meet in person does in fact me and he’s willing to go deeper,
I suppose just not on phone anymore. So to give an idea of what I meant by pull
back last week, I have noticed that he is not reaching out anymore. This is a big step back to how often he used
to as just a few weeks ago he was sharing photos saying I should be there. I know in videos you mentioned not worrying
about who initiated it and once they fall back in love they’ll start to do more, but
if it is the other direction where they were in touch often and it stops, I assume it’s
due to a loss of interest. I noticed though that he responds quickly
and has some conversations with me if I reach out that he doesn’t let it get too deep or
if we are joking around a little bit, he doesn’t let it go on like before and drops the conversation. I feel nervous as it is different and it won’t
be possible to visit his city or see if he’d visit me as you suggest for a few months. Unfortunately, due to my health issues that
he has known about, he has always disliked phone calls, so I haven’t asked for one yet
though. Maybe it’s worth the risk of him saying no. Seeing as how it’s better to have voice. I’d like to know how to reconcile the two
things. What would make him pull away in our communication
lately, even though he has asked me to meet several times the past few months and I couldn’t
do to being in the city. What is creating this new gap between his
low investment in communication and having asked to meet not too long ago and how can
I bridge the two until I’m able to get there in a couple of months. I feel like he is slipping away and I’m stuck. Okay, so Gigi, when it comes to situations
like this there you have to understand that when somebody pulls back and is not communicative
the way that they used to, it’s not always because of you. It could be due to other things going on in
his life. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just really busy with work or something
came up and there’s some kind of family drama or whatever. I know that for me personally, having a newborn
daughter is requiring a lot of my time and it’s making it more difficult for me to actually
keep in touch with people, in my own way. Right. It’s not because of them, it’s not because
they don’t like them any less. It’s just something my daughter is pulling
away my attention and causing me to focus on that. Right. And so something like that could be going
on. Another thing that could be happening as well
too is that he is just growing frustrated with the long distance thing and it’s just
not really working out for him anymore. And so he’s just kind of giving up because
he just doesn’t really see it going anywhere. He’s, he’s tired of interacting only through
screens and phones and stuff like that and he’s just not feeling the connection as much
and he’s starting to pull back a little bit because he, he doesn’t see a future between
the two of you. Okay. So if you want to, you might, you might try
reaching out to him and seeing if he would be open to talking on the phone or something
like that as opposed to texting. I mean maybe that would work, I don’t know,
but you just have to use, have to really think about where he’s at on an emotional level
and you want to create a connection that you have to think about. Okay, well what is it that I could do to meet
him where he’s at emotionally, right? So maybe he’s frustrated, maybe he’s, he’s
tired of the whole texting game and all of that stuff. He’s trying to guard himself a little bit
because he can sense that you could easily be pulled into interacting with you. But he’s just frustrated because it doesn’t
seem like it’s ever going to go anywhere and it’s just going to be some sort of text relationship
forever and ever. Right. So what do you think you could do to meet
him where he’s at emotionally that would actually cause him to feel good interacting with you
that actually caused him to see a future with you? They’re actually caused him to want to co-create
a future with you. Maybe that would be actually talking to him
on the phone. Maybe that would be actually talking about
getting together in person at some point in the future. Even if it’s months away from now, maybe you
could at least talk about it or planet or or get the idea out there or something along
those lines. Right? Because that can give him something to to
latch onto that can give them something to hang his hopes on. Maybe you could also talk about the possibility
of the two of you. Maybe even someday living in the same location. I don’t know if that would make sense for
you, but. But if it does make sense, then maybe that’s
something that you could talk about a not. I’m not saying that you should move to a place
for him or anything like that, but if it’s something that is actually physically possible
for you to do, then why not talk about it so that he knows that this isn’t just going
to be some sort of endless long distance relationship because nobody wants to be in an endless long
distance relationship forever and ever and ever. They want it to eventually become a interpersonal
relationship where you can actually wake up in bed next to the person that you love, where
you can go to brunch with the person that you love, where you can introduce them to
all of your friends and family members and you can go to parties and do things together. Right? That’s what people want. And if they just think that they’re just going
to be in some sort of endless marathon, long distance kind of thing, that can be a lot
for them and it can make them want to give up. So, yeah, you might want to consider some
of these things. and I hope this helps you out, Gigi, and please
keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Maddie. Maddie writes in and says hello everyone. Before I get into my questions, five stages
wise, I think my ex is riding the dragon, he’s mostly positive towards me and I think
that I’m still at the attachment stage. Question one. So I practiced the intimacy bubble for a little
bit and ran into trouble both in using it with other people as well as my ex people
seem to be a bit put off whenever I asked them. What was that like for you? They seem to find it weird. My ex has told me that he finds it annoying
because it seems fake to him. You’ve never asked me that before. Is there a more subtle way of using the intimacy
bubble? I mean, yeah, I mean, you don’t have to use
those exact questions. You could just say things like, tell me more
about that. Or were you nervous when this thing happened
or what was rushing through your head when they said that? Or, you know, things like that. Things that actually make sense in the context,
right? You don’t just have to robotically use the
things that I tell you in in the, in the lesson. That’s just an example question too. Even though I did ANC and the exercises suggested,
I still find that talking to my ex impacts me emotionally in a big and negative way. Listening to him talk about his new relationship,
which was one of the reasons he broke up with me, leaves me feeling extremely sad. Oftentimes I find myself overcome by new waves
of anger both at him and his girlfriend. After interacting with him, do you think this
means that I need to do ANC again, should I be vulnerable and tell him about my anger
or should I somehow deal with this on my own? Okay, so if interacting with him is causing
you to feel bad on an emotional level, that means that it is not conducive towards creating
interactions that feel good on an emotional level. So what I would do is I would stop interacting
with him until you are able to interact with him. And it feels good on an emotional level. Okay? Because the more you interact with him and
it feels bad, the more you’re going to pull the two of you apart. Okay? Whether he feels bad or whether you feel bad,
it is going to drive the two of you apart. So it is a big thing that you are feeling
bad for. You do ANC, probably a should it be vulnerable
and tell him about your anger. Only if you think it’s going to bring the
two of you closer together. If you think it’s just going to cause the
two of you to go further apart than I would not tell him about your anger and how to deal
with it. On your own. Question three, I’d like to ask my ex what
made him lose motivation to save our relationship? Is this a good question to ask or do you think
it’s going to make things worse? If you think that he would be excited and
thrilled to talk about why he lost the motivation to save your relationship, then go ahead and
ask it. If you think it’s going to bring the two of
you closer together, then go ahead and ask it. If you think he’s going to just be like, well,
this is really obvious, why are you just cluing in on this right now? Then probably not. Okay, so what I would do is I would just circle
it all back and say, is this likely to create an interaction that feels good on an emotional
level for him, for me, and for the two of us together. If it is likely to do that, then go ahead
and do it. If it’s unlikely to do that, then don’t do
it. If you don’t know if it’s going to do that
or not, then work more on your empathy skills. Okay? with that being said, I hope this helps
you out, Maddie, and keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here. Our next question is from AA. AA writes in and says, hi clay. Thanks for helping me out. Last time, just to refresh, my ex and I and
a long distance relationship had almost daily contact. I thought we were in phase four when he told
me that he had kind of was in love with me and sent me that gift. He says he feels attached, attracted and that
he can trust me to be there for him. I’m also the closest person to him besides
his family. He has now pulled back a lot again and said
because of his move to another country for his career, we had to cut contact completely,
but maybe we could be friends in the future. He said he was tired of our contact and that
we could never be happy again due to our past arguments. Although we’ve had many talks about our past
and I have sincerely apologized. He said that we had to think about this and
that we most likely would talk soon. I think had become a bit relationship focused
after those events, but I also think him booking a plane ticket caused him to stress out even
more. Plus dealing with his depression and family
crisis. So I guess I’m in riding the Dragon. He texted me after telling me that he felt
overwhelmed and carried so much anger for the past with everyone and has to deal with
it alone. I empathized and told him that I respect his
decision. Although I said I did wish to keep our communication. We ended the talk on a positive note. After two days he reached out. We had a brief that positive interaction. I understand that there’s so much going on
that he doesn’t feel ready for anything right now and I do want to be there through this
move and I think that we can get back to our regular lovely interactions, but how can I
move past his resentment? Before I knew about esp, I did no contact,
but it’s like he doesn’t remember because he been depressed and time hasn’t been a concept
for a long time. He would just forget a lot. I’m working on detaching. Doing ANC again. How do I get past riding the Dragon? I feel like I’ve been stuck there for so long. Thank you. Okay, so if you’ve done passive, no contact
before, you’ve been essentially hoping that time will make your ex want to emotionally
connect with you, right? That somehow the mere passage of time is going
to change the quality of the interactions that you have with each other, and that is
not really necessarily true, right? There are a lot of dubious reasons to do passive,
no contact, most of which don’t work, you know, making her ex jealous, making them miss
you, making them regret, breaking up with you, making them a suddenly want to open up
to you, all these sorts of things. The ultimate thing here is that you’re basically
saying, okay, I, I’m not really a factor in this. The way I’m bringing myself to the interactions
is irrelevant. It’s all about just me shutting off the spigot
for a month or whatever, and then then I’ll just come back and everything’s going to be
great, and that’s not how no contact actually works. What actually happens is if you do no contact
passive, no contact, your ex is going to get accustomed to life without you, and then when
you come back into the picture, they’re going to suddenly remember you as the person that
you were when you stopped contacting them, and if you are the same person when you stopped
contacting them, then they’re going to see no difference and they’re going to say, wow,
that’s pretty good that I broke up with them because they are exactly the same person that
I broke up with. Right? And so if that was your no contact strategy,
then I am not surprised that things are still difficult and I would probably recommend some
active, no contact emphasis on the active part, emphasis on actively cultivating the
ability to feel into situations and know what the appropriate way to respond to them on
an emotional level is because that will actually help you to meet your ex where he is at an
emotional level, connect with him at an emotional level and create a bond with him so that the
two of you can create a strong emotional connection. Okay. So yeah, I do think that doing active no contact
would probably be a good move for you. How do you get past riding the Dragon? The way that you get past riding the dragon
is that you create an emotional connection that is strong so that you can really continue
to build that emotional trust between you and your ex. Okay? Your ex will continue to trust you. The stronger the emotional connection is between
you and them, and the stronger that connection is, the more consistent that strong emotional
connection is. The more layers of trust will get built within
your ex’s emotional experience of you. And the more layers of trust they build towards
you, the more they’re going to actually start to, not have these pullbacks anymore because
they’re going to really see you as the person that you are. They’re going to really understand that they
can consistently go to you and they’re going to consistently get a similar emotional response
and that they can actually start to put some faith into interacting with you on an emotional
level. And as that happens, you’ll be able to move
past riding the dragon into the crisis point where ex will have to really directly confront
the actual reasons that are keeping the two of you apart. Okay. So I hope this helped you out AA and please
keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Ellie. Ellie writes in and says, hi clay. It has been eight months of wall of reactions
from my ex and I am finally ready both time wise and emotionally to talk to him about
his decision to prevent a friendship from happening between us. We have organized a talk over online chat
because he was not willing to meet up in person. I want to open up a discussion about the wall
between us and move past it so that we may start redeveloping a friendship. I plan to focus on the emotional connection
above all else. That’s a great idea, even if you won’t budge
on his decision. However, I also want to let him know how I
feel about being called out for so long. Unfortunately, I have a history of letting
him know how he has hurt me in the past, a lot of which were just misinterpretations
of events by me, which is why he decided to wall in the out in the first place. I think he’s afraid of feeling guilty and
I don’t want to make him feel guilty that way, but I also think that I should express
my sadness over being walled out. Do you think this is a good idea for me to
express my feelings on being walled out and risk upsetting him as a result? If so, how can I best express my feelings
on the matter without upsetting him or ruining the connection because I made him feel bad. If you feel that it is not a good idea, then
do you have any advice on how I might forgive him for walling me out? I believe the main reason I want to express
myself to him is because I want him to acknowledge my experiences and apologize to me. I understand that he is not obligated to,
but it is what I would like. Okay, so I would express your feelings about
being walled out if you think that it is going to strengthen the emotional connection between
the two of you. Okay. You have to look at your look at this and
say, what is the purpose of me expressing my hurt to him? You say you want him to acknowledge your experience
and to apologize for it, but what is the benefit of him saying, you know, yeah, I wold you
out. What’s the benefit of him doing that? Like, is this going to help you feel better
in some way? If it’s not going to help you feel better
in some way and it’s not going to bring the two of you closer together, then I don’t really
see much of a reason to do it. If you do decide you’re going to do it, I
would recommend you go through the communication section of ESP. We talked about a lot of things there regarding
communication, owning your experiences, etc, etc, so that there’s a little possibility
for him to misinterpret what you say and to take it the wrong way and all that stuff. So definitely review that if I think it’s
not a good idea, how do I suggest you forgive him for walking you out? I would just suggest that you put yourself
in his position and say, okay, well in the past Ellie has lashed out at me and said some
things just based out of misinterpretations of events. So you know, would it be so surprising that
that, you know, he might while you out, could you understand where he’s coming from? Could you understand what his emotional driver
might be? Could you understand why he might choose to
wall you out? If you can put yourself in his situation and
say, okay, yeah, well if somebody did that to me, I would probably do the same thing
or a, you know, I might’ve done things differently, but I can totally understand maybe what motivated
him to do that. That makes sense. When I think about it from that perspective,
then then just simply putting yourself in his position and understanding where he’s
coming from, that can be enough to help you. Let go of this, this need to express this
to him. If it’s not really going to be helpful in
any way whatsoever. Okay, Ellie, so I hope this helps you out
and keep us updated on how your online chat with him goes. Our next question is from faithful in love,
faithful in love. Writes in and says, hello clay. Thank you for answering my question. Last week, a few months ago, me and my ex
had met after a period of not talking to each other. He made me promise that I won’t tell his parents
about the Meet up. Guess that was because he didn’t want his
jealous rebound partner to find out. He asked me to lie to them if they were asking,
which I did to avoid a fight. He promised me to tell them. As soon as, we were on speaking terms. Now four months later, although the rebound
is history, he still hasn’t told them that we are friends. Still says that he will do that. When I asked him what makes him keep this
a secret, he said it’s because he doesn’t want them to think anything bad. I said it’s his family, so of course he can
do it. In his time, I don’t want to ask any further
because he was busy and I see that the topic doesn’t feel good for him. I’m on good terms with his parents and I don’t
understand why he struggles telling them, can you help me understand what might be going
on here? What makes it so difficult for him? After I begged and put pressure on him for
months in damage control mode, I now want to avoid pressuring my ex in any subtle way. That’s why sometimes taking longer to reply
so that he doesn’t feel like I’m expecting him to always be available. It’s not about keeping score. I know my overinvestment is something that
I should work on. I know this will take some time getting away
from being attached to outcome. Can you give me advice on how to evolve here? I’m scared to let go and afraid it could hurt
my chances of getting him back. Hosting couchsurfing, as you suggested last
week, is nothing that I can do as I have a one room apartment, but sometimes I sleep
in hostels, sharing rooms with strangers. Those are opportunities to meet all different
kinds of people and connect with them. What is your opinion on that? yeah. I think that’s an opportunity to connect with
people as well too. Regarding your other questions. Let’s see. You said what would make it so difficult for
him to tell his family? Probably because they see his family has a
lot of strong opinions about you and he doesn’t want to let them know that you’re back in
the picture until he is pretty sure about how you fit into his life and so that he can
really tell his family, hey, we’re, I don’t know, getting back into a relationship or
just friends or whatever. Right. And so he probably doesn’t want to tell them
until he really knows what he’s telling them because they might think, oh, well, you know,
faithful in love is no good or faithful in love is the best person. I can’t wait for you to get back together
or whatever. And so he’s probably still in the process
of feeling that out and trying to understand what the two of you are when it comes to your
relationship. To one another when it comes to helping you
to get over an attachment to outcome, I’m really the best thing that you can do is to
look for ways in your day to day life where you are attached to outcome in in smaller
ways. Like maybe it’s just like, oh, when I go to
the coffee shop and order my coffee in the morning and I order, I don’t know, a latte
or something, and then they make me a, I don’t know, something different, a Mocha or something
like, do I get upset? Do I like where do I go emotionally? What happens emotionally and how can I work
through those emotions in a productive way? Right? Where can I be less attached outcome? Not In that I’m going to be a doormat, but
that I can be open to things happening the way they happen and I don’t have to have an
emotional response where maybe I just yell at the person for making me the wrong drink,
but instead I can maybe understand that maybe they were stressed. Maybe they misheard things and I can say,
Hey, I’m sorry but I ordered a Latte, but you gave me a Mocha. Can we fix this? Or you know, you can come up with something
to to to respond to them in a rational sort of collected way that’s not going to be sort
of a you an emotional outburst of sorts. Okay, so look for small ways in your day to
day life where you can really be less attached to outcome and where you can be more open
to where things go. Maybe this involves having more free flowing
conversations with people where you don’t have a hidden agenda. We’re not trying to get something out of them
when you’re just simply being present with them. We’re just letting the conversation go wherever
it goes and you just open to talk about whatever you’re open to. Talk about where maybe you can actually be
more vulnerable with the people that you’re having conversations with without trying to
look good or, or, or, or, or make. Make sure that you don’t look bad or whatever
it might be. And you can just simply tell them like, hey,
yeah, like this is how I feel about things. This is what happened in my life. You know, if I’m being honest with it, with
you, I voted for Donald Trump. You know, whatever it is, right? And you don’t have to worry about the consequences
because you’re not attached outcome. You’re not attached to looking good, you’re
not attached to not looking bad or whatever it might be just to look for these ways in
your life where you can detach from outcome and where you can just simply let life take
you where it’s going to take you and you don’t have to be so wound up about making sure that
you look good, making sure that you don’t look bad, making sure that things go a certain
way, make sure they don’t go a certain way or whatever it might be. Okay, so I hope this helps you out. Faithful in love, and please keep us updated
on how things go moving forward from here. Okay? Those have been our questions this week. Once again, this has been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life. If you have liked this relationship and a
game experience, please give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to us on Youtube or
on Itunes, and please leave a comment down below letting us know what you think about
our videos. Anyway, I will talk to you next week. I hope this has helped you improve your relationship
inner game.

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