A Good Enough Summary of Kingdom Hearts

A Good Enough Summary of Kingdom Hearts

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A GOOD ENOUGH SUMMARY OF KINGDOM HEARTS I’ve only played Kingdom Hearts 1 and, like,
a third of Kingdom Hearts 2, but I’ve always been fascinated by the series. I mean – what does any of this mean? So I sat down with this good boy Gamb and
he explained everything to me for seven hours. “Okay, yes, but it’s a lot stupider than you think, and we’ll get to that in a long time and I’m still angry” “Okay” And now I’m going to explain everything
to you…in slightly less time. Please tweet any and all inaccuracies @DrewGamblord But before we plunge headfirst into the terror
that awaits us, there’s some stuff you just gotta accept about the world of Kingdom Hearts. 1. “Hearts” are not literally hearts. They’re kinda like a person’s soul, but
more like their “emotional soul” I guess? 2. Light=good, and dark=bad, and these are
not metaphor; they’re tangible forces within the universe. 3. If you lose your heart, or it’s overcome
by darkness, it turns into one of these little guys called a Heartless. 4. A body without a heart is an empty husk that
turns into one of these slithery dudes: a Nobody. Okay? So you lose your heart: you create both a
Heartless and a Nobody. Simple enough. 5. If you’re “strong-willed” enough, your
husk turns into a special kind of Nobody that looks like you and can talk and stuff. Ok, sure, fine, why not. 6. If both the Heartless and Nobody are destroyed,
the original person is made whole again. And whole people are called “Somebodies”
just, shhhhhh, I know, I KNOW. 7. There’s Disney and Final Fantasy characters everywhere. And retcons. 8. This is more of a personal note, but I find it easier to take this all in if you consider
it more of an avant garde interactive art piece than a traditional narrative OKAY LET’S
DIVE IN MICKEY TAKE THE WHEEL Kingdom Hearts 1 We start in Destiny Islands, and if you think
that name is heavy handed now, just you wait. There’s a bunch of kids running around but
we only care about three of ‘em: Sora, the plucky one, Riku, the angsty one, and Kairi,
the milquetoast girl with no discernible personality traits whatsoever. Now, despite having their own cluster of islands
to call their own, these kids decide it’s not enough and build a raft to go on their
own adventures. But suddenly SZHWOOP a big ol’ portal opens
up and Heartless start pouring out! Sora tries to fight them and is absolutely
useless until SHWEE a Keyblade suddenly appears in his hand! And he’s all like, “Nice.” Now, Keyblades aren’t just big keys. Well, I mean…they…are, but they’re also
big metaphorical keys. They can destroy darkness and repair worlds
and just generally do whatever the developers need them to do at that moment. And also, they’re sort of like Harry Potter
wands, where they choose their master…kinda? So Sora beats the crap outta some Heartless
and then Riku is like, “Dude, this evil portal is totally sweet,” and Sora is like,
“I dunno man that looks like a bad time,” and Riku is like, “I’m gonna go through
there,” “Nope,” “You should come too,” “Nuh uh,” “Okay then-” “Yeah,”
“I’ll just,” “Nope,” “Here I go-” “You should not” “-through the spooky
portal.” And then everything explodes, and Sora goes
flying, and Kairi sort of phases through Sora hey uhh that’s a little weird. Elsewhere Mickey Mouse – yes, Mickey Mouse,
Did I stutter – is like, “I gotta go see you later huh ha,” and Donald and Goofy
are like, “Bruh, um, you what? You’re the king you can’t just-” “Find
the keyblade wielder buh-bye!” [quacking noises] I don’t understand what’s happening. So after exploding and flying through space for a while Sora wakes up in this strange
city with bumpin’ music called Traverse Town. He meets up with Donald and Goofy who are
like, “Is that a Keyblade?” and Sora’s like, “Don’t…touch it.” Meanwhile Riku gracefully emerges from his
creepy portal thing and meets up with Maleficent from “Sleeping Beauty” and she’s like,
“Riku, you should totally join me – look, Sora doesn’t even care about you anymore,
he has new friends now,” and Riku’s like, “These vibes I’m getting from you are
definitely trustworthy!” So Sora teams up with Dobbuld and Goonby
so they can find their fwends. They travel through a bunch of Disney worlds
that literally do not matter whatsoever, like, it’s fine if you want to hang out with the
adorable little teacup from “Beauty and the Beast” and this guy over here…”chub
play the tub” fine but IT DOES NOT MATTER TO THE STORY. Ahem… eventually they wind up at a big ol’
castle called Hollow Bastion. Riku pops up and Sora is like, “Riku, my friend, after being separated for so long, I have finally
found you,” and Riku’s like, “Uhhh gurl that Keyblade’s only been hanging out with
you to make me jealous,” and Keyblade-chan zhwoops on over to Riku-kun. “OH SCOOTS” says Sora, “well it doesn’t
matter, with Donald and Goofy at my side we can-” “Ummm our allegiance is with the
Keyblade? and not you? soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” Then Sora has a mopey road trip with Beast
from “Beauty and the Beast” until they discover this super spooky room with a giant
keyhole and a bunch of sleeping Disney princesses Riku’s in the corner with Keyblade-chan
going, “Oh yeah and then what did he say? OOH GURL HE DID NOT! Wow what a creep ha ha ha.” But then, Sora delivers this badass monologue
about friendship, and hearts, and stuff, and Keyblade-chan gets all flustered and tsundere,
and zhwoops back on over to Sora and he’s all, “Heh, nice.” Riku goes, “Oh yeah? Well at least I still have Ansem,” and Sora’s
like, “Uhh, who’s Ansem?” and Riku’s like, “This suuuuuuper evil dude that’s
possessing me, he was also, like, totally pulling Maleficent’s strings, or whatever”
and she’s like, “it be like that doe,” and Sora goes, “u wot m8.” And also, Kairi’s been drooling facedown
in the corner this whole time but nobody noticed because she’s just that boring. Beast (who’s been awkwardly in the room
this whole time) points her out and after a few minutes they remember who she is. “Kairi!” cries Sora. Riku drones on for a while about how Kairi
is the last Princess Ansem needs for his evil scheme, and also remember when Destiny Islands
blew up, and Kairi went jsshzshz through Sora, yeah her heart has been inside of Sora this whole time. Sora goes, “Ewww, omg” and commits sudoku
with his Keyblade. This frees Kairi’s heart and revives her. Yay! This also frees Sora’s heart so he’s a
Heartless now. Boo. But Kairi’s like, “Bibbidi bobbidi deus
ex machina binch,” and Sora turns back to normal which contradicts everything we understand
about how any of this works but sure. FINE. Ansem sees all this and is like, “Seriously,
like, I checked the wiki, and they use the word ‘somehow’ uhh whatever! I’m outtie, peace,” and Sora follows him
to Destiny Islands but now it’s all destroyed so it’s….Depresstiny Islands [heh heh..heh]. Ansem and Sora have a good ol’ fashioned
anime showdown, y’know, Sora believes in himself, Ansem turns into a boat, and the
player mashes X a lot, until Ansem is like, “Alright, whatever, I’m gonna open the
door to uhh Kingdom Hearts which is the source of all hearts and it’s all darkness in there,
‘n stuff, I love darkness, check out my tattoo,” and Sora’s like, “Alright,
fine, open it you dollar store goth,” and sorta fumbles with his Oakleys for a moment
because GUESS WHAT it’s light. Ansem is all, “Curses! Foiled! B-uhh-Bingus Bongus!” and he explodes. Sora tries to close the door to Kingdom Hearts
but he can’t oh no! Until guess what: Riku! W-wait how is he in there- and guess what:
Mickey! Why??…wait where’s his shirt? Remember this, it’s important I swear do
not forget. Riku and Mickey help close the door from the
inside and bingus-bongus-b-blamo! All the broken worlds go back to normal and
everybody returns to Destiny Islands and Sora is like, “Okay I’ll be back I gotta go
save Riku and Mickey,” and Kairi just kinda stands there because she has no agency and
is barely a character. Chain of Memories Five minutes later Sora is walking down a
road with Dorbald and Goblin when a hooded figure arrives and mumbles something about
mysteries [bunch of mumbling noises]. They continue down the path and arrive at
Castle Oblivion! OoooOOOOooooh! Sora works his way through the castle and
meets a whole bunch of creepy figures that dramatically take off their hoods to reveal
their sweet, sweet anime hair. There’s Larxene and Marluxia and Axel and
Lexaeus and Zexion and Gexen I mean Vexen, also known as all the sweet Livejournal blogs
you used to follow in middle school. They take turns showing up to do something
mysterious and then Sora blows them up. Except Axel, he survives! Because he had the biggest anime hair of them
all. Meanwhile Sora’s losing his memories! “Ohhhh nooo!”
The further he moves into the castle the more his real memories get replaced by fake memories. He starts remembering this girl who
kinda looks like Kairi but she’s not?! She’s got different hair and almost a personality! Her name is Naminé! and Sora’s like, “I
don’t remember anything else so I better find this Naminé she seems important and
was along for our adventures this whole time (also I kinda feel like I wanna give her a
smoo-)!” A few games of poker later, Sora finally reaches
Naminé and she’s like, “Yeeeeaaah I stole all your memories. You’ll have to take a nap so I can restore
them but you’ll forget everything from this game – you won’t even remember me!” But Sora’s already asleep in this big ol’
fancy pod. “Sleeping and getting my memories back,
that’s a pretty good deal.” Durlap and Gruff share the Economy Class pod
and they deserve it for wasting all the health potions YOU HAD ONE JOB-
Meanwhile Riku and Mickey just…kinda…leave Kingdom Hearts? Riku takes the “wake up floating in a void”
option then teleports into Castle Oblivion because eehhHhhH?? He ventures through the castle but doesn’t
lose his memories because Naminé only got eyes for Sora knowwhatImean [smooching noises]. He meets a bunch of those hooded weirdos (which
by the way all belong to a group-slash-cult called Organization XIII, more on that in
a bit) and later runs into a clone of himself! Riku’s like, “Whoa it’s a clone of me,
sweet,” and the clone is like, “No you’re the clone, my name is Replica Riku and uh,
waitaminute why is “replica” in my name.” So Riku kicks him a few times
and Replica Riku asplodes. Then Riku bumps into this red mummy named
DiZ. And he’s like, “Don’t worry about me
for now. Actually, don’t worry about any of this
you got like five games to go before things start to make sense.” And then Mickey hops on Riku’s back and
is like, “I’m gonna help you control your darkness better, let’s-a go!” And that’s about it for “Chain of Memories.” The next game is Kingdom Hearts II which starts
with not Sora but with this guy, Roxas! To find out what his deal is we need to first
check out….sigh… 358/2 Days “…ohhh that title.” So okay, again, remember when Sora had a Sudoku
and released Kairi’s heart and turned himself into a Heartless? That also created Sora’s Nobody, who wakes
up in Twilight Town one day all, “Boobity boopity where the poopity am I?” He’s found by this weirdo named Xemnas who’s
like, “Welcome to Organization XIII here’s your spooky cloak and How to Infuriatingly
Speak in Riddles Guide. Also your name is eeuurrruhhh-Roxas.” Xemnas introduces Roxas to the rest of the
Breakfast Club: Luxord, Demyx, Saïx, Xaldin, Xigbar (remember him for later), and -hey
we know these guys! This game takes place at the same time as
“Chain of Memories” so you got some characters going back and forth between the two. It’s super. Roxas goes on adventures around Disney World
and becomes best buds with one organization member in particular: Axel! They eat ice cream and just totally bro out,
it’s super cute. Then Xemnas is like, “Yo some stuff is going
down at Castle Oblivion who’s in,” and a bunch of Organization XIII members head
over there, including Axel (and then that ties into “Chain of Memories”). Then a new character pops up: the fourteenth
member of Organization XIII. A-WHUH?? Her name is Xion and she’s like, “I’m
weird, I don’t know who I ammmmm.” And for good reason. Turns out she’s… lemme just check my notes
here [paper rustling] a replica of Sora created by Xemnas (using the memories Naminé took
from Sora) as a failsafe in case Roxas ended up not going along with Xemnas’s crazy schemes. And thanks to Naminé some of Sora’s memories
wound up in Roxas too. *cough*
So Xion peaces out in an attempt to save us all from having to understand what’s going
on but Xemnas captures her and reprograms her to make her attack Roxas. Because if Xion defeats Roxas then Sora will
never be able to get his memories back ohhhh!! But Roxas defeats Xion and she’s like, “cough,
sputter, you gotta merge with Sora and defeat Xemnas,” and Roxas is like, “what’s
a Sora is that a type of ice cream?” but before she can reply (wut) she porfs into
Roxas. “Dang.” Riku shows up because sure why not and he’s
like, “Okay Roxas time to go back to Sora,” and Roxas is like, “I don’t wanna, also
whomst is Sora,” and Riku’s like, “Fine, sit inside this computer simulation until
you cool off,” and Roxas is like, “what are any of these words you’re sayyiiiinnnnnggggggg” Which leads us to… Kingdom Hearts II We meet up with Roxas who’s inside a computer
simulation of Twilight Town except he lost most of his memories and doesn’t know he’s
inside a computer! And I mean, we’re not supposed to either
because “358/2 Days” released like four years after “Kingdom Hearts II” but trust
me it’s just easier to understand this way. So Roxas has his weird summer break and eats
lots of ice cream and experiences a bunch of brainfreezes and glitches in the matrix
until one day Axel shows up! And he’s all like, “Roxas you’re in
a computer I’m your friend!” and Roxas is like, “What’s a computer.” Then he meets Naminé who’s goes, “You’re
Sora’s Nobody,” and Roxas is like, “Whoa! What’s a Nobody?” He doesn’t understand what’s going on
but that’s okay because neither do we. He finally runs into DiZ who goes, “Look,
just merge with Sora and everything will be cool,” and Roxas goes, “Okay, but there
better be ice cream there.” So he bizzorps out of the computer and into
Sora and Sora finally wakes up with all his memories back (minus everything that happened
in “Chain of Memories”). And I guess Dallace and Gomit wake up too,
whatever. Mickey (now in a badass hoodie) sends them
off to meet the wizard, a wonderful wizard named Disney-I mean Yen Sid. And he looks like this. Yen Sid goes, “First of all, those outfits
have to go. Zippers are out, belts are in. Second, you need your driver’s license,
go visit more Disney worlds.” So they visit some more merchandising opportunities
and keep bumping into Maleficent, now joined by Pete [patta patta], and a bunch of those Organization
XIII weirdos they just don’t quit do they? At one point there’s a battle with a million
billion heartless and Goofy gets hit by a boulder and DIES. Yeah, he’s dead. Hengus Bunger You’re Six Feet Under. Somewhere in all this mess we get a big ol’
exposition dump. A while ago there was this nice bearded man
named Ansem the Wise who was a man of science. Or the Kingdom Hearts equivalent of science
because this guy was researching hearts and light and wrote his dissertation on feelin’
gooooood and havin’ fwends! Now, Ansem the Wise had an apprentice by the
name of Xehanort who let his heart get consumed by darkness because he’s a weirdo. This created Xehanort’s Heartless which
confusingly decided to call itself Ansem (psst this was the bad guy in Kingdom Hearts 1,
not Wise Ansem, they are completely different people) and Xehanort’s Nobody which called
itself….BUMBUMBUM…XEMNAS (hey we know that guy!) Meanwhile Kairi is standing exactly where
Sora left her on Destiny Islands (but somehow in a new outfit) when Axel swoops in and kidnaps
her! He wants his buddy Roxas back and he’s not
gonna let Organization XIII boss him around no more oh nosiree. But he instantly sacrifices himself so Sora
can jump through a portal to The World That Never Was. Sora’s like, “How can I be in a place
that never was when it clearly currently is?,” but just then a mysterious figure emerges. It’s Ansem! But no! It’s….Riku? It’s Riku but he looks like Ansem? Okie dokie! Sora goes on a murdering-I-mean-heart-unlocking
spree until DiZ appears and he’s like: You think that I’m a mummy, now, here’s
a surprise, Feast your eyes on my disguise I’m really
Ansem the Wise! The bad guys are conspirin’ to make their
own Kingdom Hearts, But they forgot a lil’ something that’s
right my looks and my smarts. I’m gonna use this ‘puter here to digitize
the skies Ya better idolize and recognize I’m Ansem
the Wise! Sora, Donald, Goofy, Riku, Mickey, uhh, and
Kairi, I bid you all adieu cuz my computer is backfiring’ So DiZ’s computer explodes which causes
DiZ to “dizappear” and for some reason also turns Riku back to normal. Xemnas is all, “My beautiful plan! Ruined, et cetera et cetera! Let us fight.” Sora and Riku hold hands and prepare for a
good ol’ fashioned anime showdown. Sora believes in himself, Xemnas turns into
a boat, and the player mashes X a lot (and sometimes Triangle!) until Xemnas is defeated. “Argh!” Everyone winds up back on Destiny Islands
because sure whatever. And Naminé’s there too and she’s like,
“Hey Kairi nice to meet you I’m your Nobody,” and Kairi stares into the middle distance. Yeah so everything ties back to the moment
Sora released his and Kairi’s hearts. Either it’s poetic in its simplicity or
stupid in its stupidity…I dunno. This moment should have created two Heartlesses
and at least one Nobody (because Kairi’s heart isn’t really connected to her body at this point). But Kairi is a Princess of Heart, meaning
she has zero darkness in her heart so she doesn’t create a Heartless. She does create a Nobody, but she has no body
for it to form from. So while Sora is busy splitting off into his
Heartless and his Nobody, Kairi’s Nobody, Naminé, is created from Kairi’s Heart and
Sora’s Body. Which explains why she was able to meddle
with his memories and whatnot? So to sum it up: I dunno, I said up front
this thing was filled with retcons, right? Sora goes, “Oh yeah Roxas has been kinda
rumbly lately, you okay, lil’ fella?” So Sora and Roxas share a ghost hug and Kairi
and Naminé are chill I guess. Oh and Goofy recovers from being dead yawn. But then a letter washes up on the shore with
that dang ol’ Mickey Mouse insignia on it WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW YOU CREEPY RAT? But before we open that envelope… Birth by Sleep diddlee diddlee diddlee…TEN YEARS EARLIER
we got these three sweet pieces of anime hair: Aqua, Terra, and Ventus. Weirdly, Ventus looks a lot like Roxas. Like, identical. I mean, I know compared to Dosencrantz and
Goofenstern over here Roxas and Sora look a lot alike but trust me, Roxas resembles
this guy, Ventus. For…reasons. The three of them are being trained by Master
Eraqus to become Keyblade Masters! Ventus is too young and spunky so he has to
wait while Aqua and Terra take their final test, the Mark of Mastery, also we’re in
this place: the Land of Departure. Aqua passes and she’s all like, “Neat!”
but Terra fails because he’s got too much angsty darkness and Spencer’s coupons inside
his heart and Eraqus takes one look and goes, “Mm mm, girl, get yourself sorted out.” Meanwhile in a fancy land for fancy lads called
Radiant Garden, Ansem the Wise is researching how hearts work and stuff. He’s got some test tubes and like, a…a
computer, and he’s going all, “Yes, interesting,” and he’s surrounded by all his hot anime
friends (who kinda look familiar). There’s also a little girl here named Kairi
who’s got no personality look at her go. Elsewhere Aqua and Terra pop out of a portal
on Destiny Islands because of course they do. They meet these two lil’ babbies named Sora
and Riku. Terra walks over and is like, “Ew this one
is totally giving me Ventus vibes, [toot] uhh…hey kid now you know how to use a keyblade you
won’t remember this when you’re older,” and Riku dribbles on himself. Also Kairi comes over from Radiant Garden
and Aqua maybe teaches her how to use a keyblade? Ehhhh?? Ventus is wandering alone by himself somewhere
when this hot piece of action rolls up on a motorcycle and is like, “Remember me?” And Ventus is like, “Nope.” And hot stuff takes off his helmet and is
like, “How ‘bout now?” And Ventus is like, “Sorry, I only know
one other dude with yellow eyes WAIT!” Turns out Ventus forgot a whole bunch of stuff
that was suuuuper important. Before he was being trained by Master Eraqus
his master was this objectively evil-looking dude with yellow eyes named Master Xehanort. Huh how ‘bout that. Xehanort was trying to get Ventus to unleash
the darkness in his heart to summon this all-powerful keyblade called the…sigh…χ-blade. That…that’s the Greek letter “χ.” …But Ventus was like, “I don’t wanna,
I’m a good boy look at my badge,” and Xehanort’s like, “Fine, I’ll just take
your darkness myself,” and goes shewbly bop, sucks the darkness out of Ventus’s
heart and makes motorcycle man, also known as Vanitas. Oh and he looks exactly like an evil Sora
but just…don’t. Don’t think about it it’s fine. Flashback over! Ventus is like, “Oh yeah, I ‘member,” and
Vanitas is like, “Cool, we gotta fight, meet me at the Keyblade Graveyard.” Okay so long ago there were tons of Keyblade
Wielders and they all fought over the χ-blade in this epic war and now all that’s left
is a bunch of keys in the ground. But Ventus knows all this and just goes, “k.” Meanwhile Terra is getting super moody and
kills Master Eraqus! Eraqus is like, “Why, my pupil?” and Terra’s
like, “I dunno, Gamb didn’t go over this part in detail but I’m assuming darkness?” Then everyone piles into the minivan and heads
on over to the Keyblade Graveyard for their big anime fight. And you know it’s serious because nobody
turns into a boat! Ventus versus Vanitas. Terra versus Xehanort (who’s like “hello”). And Aqua versus this dude who you might recognize
better like this but he doesn’t have his cool eyepatch and scar yet. Him name Braig. Xehanort is like, “Ha ha ha I’ll have
the χ-blade (χ-blade not keyblade) and with that I’ll control Kingdom Hearts!” and
Terra’s like, “Nuh uh nosiree stop right there mister bister,” and everyone starts
fighting. Aqua beats up Braig and he’s like, “Argghhhh
now I look coooolleeeerrrrrr!!” Ventus and Vanitas fuse which sorta creates
the χ-blade for a second but then it explodes. And then Ventus explodes. He’s just asleep but his heart goes zwoosh
over to Destiny Islands to go live in Sora’s heart and heal up sure okay. Aqua takes Ventus’s blown-up body back to
the Land of Departure and uses her keyblade to turn it into Castle Oblivion. She goes, “Okay Ventus I’m the only one
who knows you’re here have a good nap now pat pat.” She returns just in time to see Xehanort possessing
Terra, forming Terra-Xehanort, or Terranort for short. A while back Xehanort was like, “I’m getting
old, AH! I can possess someone using the darkness in
their heart that’s a neat trick.” Also PSST this is what “Norting” is. Aqua goes, “I am not about this,” and
fights and defeats Terranort. But Terranort’s all like, “Ha ha ha not
so fast,” and uses his keyblade to unlock his heart which traps Aqua in the Realm of
Darkness and gives Terranort amnesia because we didn’t have enough tropes on our plate
already, sure, throw some amnesia into the mix. Terranort, just calling himself Xehanort now,
becomes an apprentice to Ansem the Wise and then much later gets his memories back and
goes on to create his Heartless, Ansem (this one not that one), and his Nobody, Xemnas. Now we can return to the present in… Re:Coded Well…not quite the present. Sometime after defeating Xemnas but before
Mickey’s letter arrives at Destiny Islands, Jiminy Cricket is hanging out with Mickey. You see, throughout Sora’s many adventures
he’s been accompanied by Jiminy who’s been documenting everything that happens. Like, “Today Sora spent fifteen minutes
staring at a bowl of oatmeal.” Jiminy’s about to turn in his homework to
Mickey when he notices some cryptic messages he didn’t write; like some Cure lyrics or
somethin’. Chip and Dale digitize the journal and create
a digital copy of Sora, Data-Sora, to fight the bugs that are corrupting the data and
I don’t know…hacking hijinks ensue? Pete and Maleficent are there, some C-tier
Disney properties show up, Jiminy’s Journal appears and turns into Riku, I-uh…just,
whatever. The journal is restored and Data-Naminé reaches
out to Data-Sora and is like, “Hey, you got a whoooole lotta business jellying up
your jam-RAM. You got Roxas inside of you, and like, Xion’s
inside of Roxas, and then there’s, like, Ventus sorta fused with Vanitas, it’s just
a big ol’ awkward Inception party in there. It’s middle-school-dance bad. Also the bugs are a side effect of me messing
with Sora’s memories cuz ehhhh?” Data-Sora texts all this to Mickey who’s
like, “Butter my me-shaped muffins! The real Sora’s gotta learn about this stat,”
and writes the letter that then shows up at the end of “Kingdom Hearts 2!” Data-Sora goes, “What? ‘Real Sora?’” as the computer gets turned
off cuz Mickey’s got a date with a wizard! Yen Sid goes, “Yo, Xehanort is coming back
and we’re screwed. We only have one Keyblade Master and you,
like, randomly took your shirt off that one time.” And Mickey goes, “We’ll get to that. What about Sora and Riku? If they become Keyblade Masters and Sora gets
his jam unjellied we might stand a chance!” And Yen Sid goes, “Okay, but there’s a
lot of jelly in his jam. And it smells like peaches.” Dream Drop Distance In order to become Keyblade Masters Sora and
Riku have to take the Mark of Mastery, the same exam that Terra and Aqua took way back
when! But apparently the test is totally arbitrary
and whoever’s conducting the exam just does whatever they want, just like real life. Yen Sid charges Sora and Riku with waking
all the sleeping hearts of various worlds that have been on a constant rollercoaster
of exploding and being reformed over the past couple games. They bounce through some Disney worlds and
wake people up but not Sleeping Beauty? Come on it’s a game about waking people-
okay Gamb is telling me there’s a reason – okay fine…fine. Anyway, remember the rules of the Kingdom
Hearts universe? All that stuff about Heartless and Nobodies,
and how destroying both restores the original Somebody? Yeah so all those Organization XIII Nobodies
Sora killed…they’re back as their original, X-less Somebodies! Whaaaat our protagonist wasn’t going around
murdering people see they’re fine a ha ha Also the, hoooooo keepittogether, uughghh. The “X” in all those Nobodies’ names isn’t an
X. It’s called the Recusant’s Sigil and Xehanort
uses it to mark his BFFs and track their location. This even works on clothing and that’s…oh
god….uh, that’s how they’re able to track Sora throughout this game. Be…because they put an X on his shirt. ooooooOOOOOOOOOHH Oh and then this guy shows up. This is Young Xehanort. Yeah so now there’s time travel in this
YOU. It really doesn’t matter how time travel
works in this universe (and I’m scared to open the wiki again) so here’s all of Gamb’s
notes on the matter. Basically at some point evil Ansem went back
to Destiny Islands where Xehanort grew up because UH HUH YEAH OKAY BECAUSE EVERYONE’S
FROM THERE. He met the young lad and was like, “Here’s
some, um, going back in time…potion. Go round up all the Xehanorts cuz we GOIN’
HARD!” Because, okay: Xehanort’s Heartless was
killed in Kingdom Hearts 1 and his Nobody was killed in Kingdom Hearts 2 which means
Xehanort’s Somebody is back and ready to crack some skulls and wait why does he look
like creepy old man Xehanort and not Terranort I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD HOW THIS WORKED UGHHHHH
I’M DOING MY BEST. Oh but now we learn about Xehanort’s ultimate
master plan. In “Birth by Sleep” he wanted the χ-blade
in order to control Kingdom Hearts. But the χ-blade exploded and conveniently
it likes to explode into twenty pieces: 7 light and 13 dark. Xehanort is all, “Grr, I want those shards!”
like he’s the villain in a cereal commercial or something. Originally he planned for the 7 light pieces
to come from the so-called Seven Princesses of Heart: Snow White, Cinderella, Alice, Aurora,
Belle, Jasmine, and uhhhh Kairi. This is all the business with the princess
pods in Hollow Bastion back in “Kingdom Hearts 1.” But the 7 light pieces could also be the Seven
Guardians of Light: Mickey, Sora, Riku, Ventus, Aqua…Terra?… maybe Kairi? It’s not really clear right now. Meanwhile the 13 dark pieces are a little
harder to come by. We got a couple bad eggs bumbling about, but
thirteen? Not quite. So Xehanort, being the rational person he
is, decided to essentially create 12 copies of himself by puttin’ a little Nort into
all these Nobodies which together would then act as the 13 dark pieces needed to form the
χ-blade. This is why Xehanort created Organization
XIII. His plan was to Nort each of the members so
he’d have his 13 dark pieces. But instead they thought for themselves and
were like, “What the heck dude,” and also Sora killed everybody so way to go, Sora. He also tried having two of the members be
his Heartless and Nobody which is totally cheating! Xehanort, being the RATIONAL PERSON HE IS,
decided, “Hey, that’s a good point, what am I doing Norting unwilling people? I’ll just find people who want to be me,
like, uh…me!” So that’s why he sent Ansem to seek out
Young Xehanort in the past; he’s making a new Organization XIII out of a some time
traveling Xehanorts and a bunch of other friends called the…. wait for it….Real Organization XIII. Booo. They shoulda called it the Super Excited
to be Xehanort Club. So Xehanort gathers himself, Young Xehanort,
Ansem, Xemnas, Xigbar and Saïx (who were part of the old Organization XIII but apparently
just can’t get enough of that Nort juice) and six other shadowy figures that’ll almost
certainly get revealed in “Kingdom Hearts III.” They’re probably, like, time traveling Goofy’s
or something [evil hyuck]. “But wait!” I hear you counting on your fingers, “That
only makes twelve!” Yes, they’re one short. So Xehanort decides the thirteenth Nort shall
be…Sora!! He kidnaps Sora because I guess Goofus and
Dallant do literally nothing all day and is about to Nort Sora super good when Lea dives
in and saves the day! (psst Lea is Axel’s Somebody and he only really cares about Roxas
and Xion but Sora will have to do). Xehanort goes, “Drat, I’d kidnap you again
but we’re all out of our going back in time potion. Until next time, when the seven and thirteen
are destined to fight and summon the χ-blade in Kingdom Hearts Threeeeeee!!” And all the Xehanorts disappear…FOR NOW. Riku and Sora go back to Yen Sid and they’re
like, “Wow the whole universe was at stake glad we got out of that one hoo wee I almost
forgot we were taking a test ha ha.” And Yen Sid goes, “Riku, you passed good
job, Sora, you almost got Norted you fail.” And Sora goes, “Aw, Nort again!!” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA all the characters laugh and
credits roll. WAIT we’re not done yet – two quick games
to go! Union Cross Long ago, I mean like, long, loooooooong ago
all the worlds were connected and it t’was the Age of Fairy Tales. In this harsh-on-the-eyeballs place called
Daybreak Town there was this guy called the Master of Masters who wore a sweet hood and
trench like the Organization dudes and he wrote this Book of Prophecies with the help
of his keyblade, No Name, which can see into the future but only the future it’s actually
around for, like, in the same room. Look, it’s got a magic creepy eyeball! [demonic
whispers] So the Master of Masters goes to his six apprentices
and is like, “Hey guys, I’m gonna peace out. Here, you carry No Name around and pass it
down through the generations for no particular future-sight-related reason and this box. DON’T…open it. And uh…the rest of you get a signed copy
of my book, you’re welcome.” But little did the apprentices know he gave
each of them a slightly different copy of the Book of Prophecies! They read their books and learn there’s
a traitor amongst them! But not really? Eh. The apprentices scatter to the winds like
dandelions and create their own little groups that learn to use keyblades. Years and years pass, these groups all end
up fighting in the Keyblade War and shattering the χ-blade into twenty pieces and yeah there’s
some of your backstory I guess. Look, this is a browser-slash-mobile game,
don’t worry about it too much. Like, maybe you should know Ventus and Marluxia’s
Somebody are leaders of two of these groups, and there’s these things called Darklings
that are Heartless born from Keyblade Wielders (there’s a Darkling on the box for “Kingdom
Hearts III” right about myeah) but seriously if any of this is relevant in “Kingdom
Hearts III” I’m sure they’ll provide context for it like the competent writers
they are and – uh. [yelling/sobbing] Hocus pocus, these games have no focus. Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep – A fragmentary
passage – whooahaheehuuu that’s the sound
of my soul escaping my body ueueghhgh. “Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by” aeeuguh – you
know what, let’s just call it NO for short, acts as a kind of prequel-sequel that sets
some things up for “Kingdom Hearts III.” You play as Aqua, picking up right after the
events of “Birth by Sleep” where she was trapped in the Realm of Darkness by Terranort. She wanders around some Disney worlds swallowed
up by darkness, fights her doppelganger Phantom Aqua, and finds Ventus and Terra but they’re
not actually there she’s just lonely awww. She fights some shadow monsters and ends up
falling even deeper into darkness but eventually runs into Riku and Mickey. Because, yeah, even though her story took
place ten years before “Kingdom Hearts 1” time is super janky in the Realm of Darkness
which sure is convenient if you’re a writer and want to get your prequel character into
the present story. Aqua fends off the darkness while Riku and
Mickey close the door from the end of “Kingdom Hearts 1” and Mickey literally loses his
shirt just to preserve continuity. There’s no other reason. What a guy. WHAT A GUY! The door is successfully closed. Hooray! Except Aqua is still trapped in darkness. Ah, feces. Elsewhere Yen Sid is like, “Sora! Not only did you fail my super simple exam
but your brush with getting Norted actually left you Metroid-ed! Look, all your stats are back to Level 1!”
Sora goes, “Oh well gosh darn ain’t that convenient, I mean inconvenient-” “There’s
no time, go to the Colosseum from Hercules and hang out with Danny Devito!” “k.” Also Lea is a keyblade wielder now. And Kairi. I am so tired. And that takes us to “Kingdom Hearts III”! Sora’s gotta train, Riku and Mickey gotta
rescue Aqua, Kairi’s got to maybe develop into a character????, and Xehanort is off
somewhere trying to get the Seven Pieces of Light and the SEX Club to go to prom together. What’ll happen?! Will Xehanort reassemble the χ-blade only
for Yen Sid to pull a King of Red Lions and be like, “I made this?” Will the Disney and Final Fantasy characters
actually have any kind of bearing on the overall plot? Will we meet a character without pointy anime hair? Will we get to befriend him over the course of our journey and then in our final moment of need his hair pointifies and he saves the day? WILL GOOFY SAY A SWEAR? LET GOOFY SWEAR>:( fyuck Hello if you feel like you don’t have quite
enough Kingdom Hearts coursing through your veins you can watch the seven hour livestream
that started this whole mess. Or I might be streaming some Kingdom Hearts
on Twitch right now as you’re watching this…I can only imagine how well that’s going. Also if you’re curious about the production
of this video I streamed myself making the bulk of it – there’s a link to the archived
streams in the description. I don’t have a Patreon so please enjoy this
list of some of my favorite words to say out loud:

100 thoughts on “A Good Enough Summary of Kingdom Hearts”

  1. To Kingdom Hearts fans: what's the most frustrating inaccuracy in the video? I shuffled a lot around to make the narrative flow better and I'm genuinely curious haha. Thanks for watching! ALSO I'm live on Twitch with KH2 so come on by and yell at meeeee: https://www.twitch.tv/barryisstreaming

  2. I've played everything except Re:coded and Union Cross (and technically, I've not played Chain of Memories but KH has nearly all its info in the cutscenes, which I've watched), and I'm still lost here. You probably explained the 13 Xehanorts better for me but my eyes are still crossed from trying to keep up. My unfortunate joke with Kingdom Hearts is that a lot of it's appeal is drawn from it being a hot mess.

  3. Its a testament to how much im used to this shit that this explanation sounds perfectly fcking rational and reasonable.

  4. kingdom hearts survival kit:
    This video
    A stick
    1 sea salt ice cream coupon
    A rock
    2 shots of vodka
    And a piece of bread

  5. See, this is why he's not in fucking Smash Bros.
    The Palutena's Guidance and Snake Codec bits would be twice as long because David and Pit are dumb as bricks and would need all this even dumber shit explained three times over.

  6. I have just realized while watching this video… that Eraqus is an Anagram of Square. >_> I see Yensid is not the only obvious self insert in this game. Don't know whether it was done on purpose but it's just something I noticed. Only took me 4 years.

  7. How to Fix the Kairi issue in KH3 First have Kairi be the one to clear a path for Sora and the others to Master Xehanort Young Xehanort Xemnas and Ansem. Reveal shortly after that Yensid came to her aid after the player plays as her fighting off 15000 Heartless she escapes as he fights off other waves once you’ve bested Worst boy, raspy Leomon and not Myotismon it’s revealed that Yensid is captured and he’s the one that gets struck down to make the thirteenth Key then things play out as normal but at the end Yensid stays dead Because Mickey can take his place we can have an ark about Mickey happen to be the legacy of his former master and living up to him and Sora ends up dying from saving everyone else there problem fixed

  8. Um… is the Master of Masters actually Merlin? Like, extremely obviously? Because in Arthurian legend, he remembers the future he was physically present for just like No Name, due to living backward in time.

  9. Phantom Aqua is one hot mess of lady, that's for sure… but oh boy, what we see happen to her in KH3 (as you pointed out in your other video about KH3.)

  10. OMD I should have watched this sooner…i love kingdom Farts butt it's literally all over the place..still haven't played 3 and I need to jus to finish what I started back in my first year of college…..b4 it came out i actually had and idea of a game extremely similar to KH especially the live action RPG part…wish I could have been able to be a part of it..b4 it got bastarized

  11. 26:48 – "Super Excited to be Xehanort Club"
    With those capitalizations that would make it the S.E.X.-C., S.E.X.-Cies, or The S.E.X. Club
    Were those percieved acronyms intentional?
    31:52 – Guess that answers my question…

  12. Remember when Sora was a chosen one because he had a Keyblade? And it was shocking that Riku could also control the Keyblade? Boy, those were some good days.

  13. I can't keep all this in my head, so I just keep watching it. I'm very happy to be a member of the Super Entertaining eXplaination Club.

  14. As a Kingdom Hearts fan I'm infuriated at how much sense all of this makes. It absolutely shouldn't but it does.

    Why are you like this Nomura….

  15. When you say about KH I that the world's you go through don't matter: I would disagree. Sure, it wouldn't need to be the world of Tarzan, or Alice, or Aladdin and so on. But you have obviously not played KH III (as you said), where the worlds really don't matter. Bc in KH I, while walking through the worlds, you find puzzle pieces that are essential to the story. So while it doesn't matter which world it is, walking through the worlds is definitely important.
    Also, the Beast was NOT in the room of the 7 princesses.

    And maybe it would've made sense to actually start with Birth By Sleep?

    So, you made quite some effort here, I'm impressed. Really, really good job.

  16. …..wait, is this Barry from Game Grumps? I’ve watched this video how many times and I didn’t get that?! Holy crap

  17. About the Eraqus murder by Terra… Wasn't it because Eraqus finds out the origin of Ven and Vanitas (to create the kyeblade), and asks Terra to murder Ventus?
    But Terra be like : DAGA KOTOWARU!

  18. as of leaving this comment i have now finished consuming every game included in this video (minus re:coded and 0.2). as it turns out, i understood kh better when all i knew about it was this video than i do now after having watched playthroughs of most of the games. that's the kingdom hearts experience!

  19. Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…… Yeah, I still don't get it. Too much doesn't add up. Especially if you add in the plot to kh3.

  20. don't know if anybody else noticed that 26:50
    take only the initiales
    that seems like a thing that the totally rational old xehanort would make

    Edit: crap wasn't expecting it to be a joke he'll pulll off, well that'll teach me to make a comment before finishing the video.

  21. I like your videos they're so funny that I just want to watch them all day but how many videos do you do you got like how much do you have $9.99 I didn't know if this number 9009 983 in it and trillion it said it in trillion I said and trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion truck that's my mama he said she always calls me ready for a fart knocker cake mix think that's a good beer or really big a brown thing on the bottom of the cake in the swirlies and sprinkles are icing in the icing and the circles just sprinkles and like Circle sentencing sprinkles setting nose ring stereo sprinkles sprinkle like a sentence starting something I realize this oh yeah it's sentence no not sentence has it ing at the end I just saw that at work just other words that my cat saying and when I didn't realize what I just say it and says it says and I just saw like it says and keep our thing and and I'm not even saying it well I'm just telling it like never mind go by the way he's really good and that holds it into making that like Crash & smash is like a plastic white or it's paper I don't know but it's cardboard cardboard car completely White cardboard and on the bottom is his car using cardboard cardboard Heart by okay NASCAR. NASCAR just texted not say OK NASCAR I said NASCAR I didn't say like I love you. Varian I said I love you. Varian or I love you zero I didn't say I love U 0 and I didn't say I love you like you that's what I'm talking about why are you why are you why are you I didn't like you say why no don't say that I'm sick about you white you know there we go there we go I didn't say white I didn't say what so the Spy you're the best in the whole tire world and universe and YouTube

  22. ive been a fan of this series since the first came out. And i genuinely learned something i didn't know. I don't even think you can comprehend kingdom hearts.

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